The Long Journey Towards Meeting Someone or How to Deal with Your Number One Fan

Tom Felton with members of the Stormtroopers UK. Picture courtesy Tom Felton Meets the Superfans by BBC.

Tom Felton with members of the Stormtroopers UK. Picture courtesy Tom Felton Meets the Superfans by BBC.

I know it. It’s not easy. You folks wake up one day and suddenly: “Bam!” A new public person shows up in the newspapers because he/she is talented in something. Kardashians included. They are outstanding as public relationships and posing.

The case is that you are reading so much about them that you cannot avoid starting to feel something for each one of this “famous”. It is bizarre. I know. I have lived it, but it is real. You start to feel things for this folks even if you have never met them.

As an example let me tell you a true story based on real events. I travelled to the UK recently, and I did not know anything about One Direction. Yes directioners, you can kill me now if you want to. Well, thinking about it better… Please, do not. I appreciate my life a lot.

The case is, I had heard about that band. I had read on Twitter all that stupid trends, but I did not know the names of the guys who sing the songs… Sorry, I’m getting old. I started to lose the music fandom concept long ago when Bieber had not grown up yet.

Anyway, in less than a week and thanks to the underground free newspapers I have learnt a bunch of ‘non-interesting’ stuff about this boy band but, above all, I have started to feel worried about them. Poor kids. Girls, please stop! You are perturbing them! Zayn had a severe breakdown, and Louis had split with her girlfriend after 4 years of relationship and all because of you… The fandom. You are cruel, folks. I do not know if these kids sing like angels or not, but they have already more ink on their skin that most people who have been in prison. Definitely, something is wrong…

Austin Powers and other fans.

Austin Powers and other fans. Picture courtesy Tom Felton Meets the Superfans by BBC.

However, let me confess you something: I am quite a disaster. Probably, I have learnt a bunch of things about these folks in the past week, but I am not sure if in the remote case, any of them will cross my path, I will recognise any of them. With a long conversation… maybe… But when I am walking or having dinner or something… Ehhh… most probably almost entirely sure I will not recognise them. Not a One Direction member, not Bieber or any other. And I know it because it happened to me before. A bunch of times, but the most bizarre one was with Madonna. Although I am going to leave this story for later.

Imagine which kind of disaster I am that, e.g., I contacted with an actor long ago and I did not know anything about his work. Yes, I know… Quite embarrassing… The case is after I checked IMDB, the holy directory of filmmaking, I discovered that he appeared in a bunch of films that I watched. In particular, one which I have seen like a thousand times as a teen. However, it was impossible to me to remember him in any of his films…

Maybe you can think the guy is sorta chameleon and he blends so well in his roles that it is impossible to recognise him. No, it is not that because Viggo Mortensen is more shapeshifter than this other guy and I remember Mr Mortensen roles. So why did not remember this folk who has a legion of fans worst than the directioners following him? Let me repeat it: ‘I’M A DISASTER!!!’ Yes, folks, you can easy prank me with the trick of “let’s see if I’m in disguise and she recognises me.” The surest is that I will not recognise you. Even without disguise.

So no: “I’m not rude with any of you” if I do not say: “Hi”. It is just that there are millions of folks in the world and I cannot remember the faces of all of you. As a funny anecdote, I am going to tell you the truth: “My father has always worn the beard fashion trend.” One day, when I was a kid, he went to the barber, and he shaved his face. When he came back home, I saw him, and I run away scared hiding screaming to my mother: “Someone has come inside the home and he has keys!” It passed that way I swear.

A simple pair of sunglasses distracts me, and I cannot recognise even the most familiar faces. So, as you can imagine, I cannot work as a paparazzi. I would be the worst EVER, but if even when my mother is watching that stupid television shows which talk about famous and clothes, I am almost all the time: “Who is her/him?” So, yes. I would be the worst sensationalist journalist too. Maybe this is the main reason I have developed my social jujitsu skill until to be even better than the one who is better in everything. Seriously, J.J. Abrams and Cumberbatch you gave me the best cue joke for the rest of my life. Even better than Blinky: “I want to be your friend” or Misery: “I’m your fan number one.”

Superfan and Tom Felton. Picture courtesy Tom Felton Meets the Superfans by BBC.

Darren Cris and Tom Felton. Picture courtesy Tom Felton Meets the Superfans by BBC.

Well, the case is that I can develop entire conversations with other folks without recognising them at all. I have done it with people from my town. They have not noticed anything weird, and after the chat, I have asked my family with who I was talking and they, of course, had fun with me. It’s not my fault! I use my brain to other stuff not for to know the list of all the ex-girlfriends of someone! Seriously, folks, why do you find all that gossiping interesting?

Now, you can understand why I didn’t know about One Direction existence, isn’t it? Well, an even better explanation is: “I am weird”, but you already know that.

The case is I haven’t grown up as the rest of the kids use to do. Believe me. I did not, and I confirmed this when I told my story to my college partners or some colleagues on the NYFA. The first ones, officially declared that I didn’t have a childhood. The other folks felt pity.

Luckily, I grew up knowing what Star Wars is, not like others… But let’s just say that I had so much to study that it arrived a moment in which I did not have any time to play with other kids/teens. My fandom disconnection started when Geri Halliwell left the Spice Girls. Please, do not ask me what happened in all that years between that date and college that I cannot answer you anything.

In college, everything changed. I had time as I had not could imagine in my whole life and I discovered I had not experimented the necessary things that any child/teen from this ‘rich world’ consider as ‘normal life’. To start, I had never had allowed having posters hanged on my walls, neither portraits of someone. I could not buy magazines until my 18’s. Neither the filmmaking ones. The books that I read were the ones who my uncle gifted to the ones which the teachers ordered as homework or me. The first time I tried bologna or carbonara pasta I was in college. The first time I ate at a McDonalds was because my aunt decided to take me with her when I was six years old. The second and third were in trips with the school folks. Next in college. I can continue, but I think you are getting the point.

When I arrived at college, I was utterly lost, and I started a socialising stage in my life. Soon, I discovered that the kids who had ‘normal lives’ are not really interested in to be normal at all.

People say we are in new times, but I think we are precisely in the same evolution stage than in the era of the tribes. It did not matter how good or bad I tried to treat the others. There was always an excuse to discriminate others and to do not let them be part of the clan. If we were thirty-six in our class, it was like ten different tribes which were formed the first day based on arbitrary things like the clothes you wore. It was then when I really started to feel interested in anthropology, psychology and social behaviours.

The clan which accepted me helped me to discover the things that I missed in my teens and childhood. Like films, television series, music and books. It was there when I started to realise some dishes, food, or the weekend trips to any place just for to have fun. However, they also helped me to rediscover the fandom universe and how obsessions can work. Here, it begins the story of Harry Potter… Or how Daniel Radcliffe is following me… Or how the world is a handkerchief because there are so many coincidences behind this. Seriously.

Super Harry Potter fan and Tom Felton. Picture courtesy Tom Felton Meets the Superfans by BBC.

Super Harry Potter fan and Tom Felton. Picture courtesy Tom Felton Meets the Superfans by BBC.

My tribe was babbling and chattering something about some fascinating books which were part of a book saga, and I felt a bit: “Let’s going to try to read this to see if I can fit better in this clan.” Alright, Rowling, you got me with the wizarding world. I think it is fascinating and a very creative work. However, I think Harry Potter’s character it is quite depressing. I understand why he is that way in concordance with the rest of the story. However, what I cannot understand is why people identify with him, or they would like to be like him. Are you crazy folks?! The darkest wizard in the wizarding history is trying to kill this kid since he was born an all because a witch had a déjà vu! Please, do not wish to be like Harry anymore. I am very serious with this folks.

Anyway, if I was fascinated with the social tribes, imagine how it was my fascination after discovering the hysteria that HP awoke up on my folks.

I had seen something similar in The Lord of the Rings too. I convinced a friend of mine, who disliked that kind of stories, and when she saw Aragorn and Legolas, she almost died. They became the “sexiest men alive.” Hellooo… It is a movie… they wear tons of make-up, and everything is a huge lie… However, she did not accept my weird arguments. Am I insane, right?

To me, Harry Potter obsession was quite more strange. Not for the obsession itself if not because the main characters who played the roles in the films were just kids. Younger than my college mates and Me. “Common! Don’t tell me you have a crush on this Harry Potter guy?” asked I. “No, no. It’s not a crush. Of course, it’s not! He’s younger than us, but he has something in his eyes…” Said one of the tribe members. Trust me, I have heard that ‘thing’ about the eyes so many times…

The Harry Potter adventure is addictive. I must confess that if I get in my hands one of the J.K. Rowling books the world can stop to spin because I cannot do any other thing that read, read, read. The only: “Oh, please stop…” Are the “who loves Cho parts”. Apart of that, the rest of the text is an addiction, but of the good ones, not like the bad drugs and all this stuff.

Not sure how they convinced me, probably because I wanted to travel to London my whole life… But I finished on a plane to London with two members of my clan with destination the premiere of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. I was there. The night of the Velvet Revolution and when I discovered that dragons are real and they really breathe fire.

Probably, you can see me in some videos recorded by professionals because it seems I also have that ‘thing’ on the eyes. Seriously, to all the folks with the ‘thing’ on the eyes, cannot we patent the ‘thing’ or something like that? At least, we will ensure us with some cash for the bad times…

Darren Criss and Rupert Grint. Picture courtesy Tom Felton Meets the Superfans by BBC.

Darren Criss and Rupert Grint. Picture courtesy Tom Felton Meets the Superfans by BBC.

Just in case you check the videos. I am not the one who screams. I am the one who hides my face or is looking like “doesn’t this finish yet?” Because I am sure, Emma Watson remembers that day as I am. Her gown was gorgeous but that day was freezing and drizzling. The whole day!

I must confess something. That day, I learnt some things:

  1. Or you are very obsessed, crazy or devoted to your idols to be waiting more than eleven hours under adverse weather conditions to just get a pic, or not…
  2. Or you are like me: a Spartan warrior who can handle these absurd situations or extreme weather conditions stoically.
  3. People are nuts, bonkers, insane and a bunch of adjectives more. Like so many have not seen or experienced.

And what I really learnt and I swore to myself it was: “If I assist to another premiere in my whole life it is not going to be to this side of the fence anymore.” Because it was hard, tedious and hard, terribly hard.

Although, I am going to explain to you my fandom experience from the beginning, from the flight:

It was okay. Not a big deal, but it is what you expect what you fly with Ryanair: after they will make to all the passengers move their arms very fast to try to can departure safe. Later, they will try to sell you calendars of the naked crew posing. Just in case any boy has had any severe crush with a flight assistant he would want to remember her: ALWAYS.

After the landing, everything was a bit chaotic because YOU, Brits, do all the things on the wrong side. Do you know your street directions are indicated different as the rest of the world does? That you drive in the wrong direction? And what about that mania of to twist the indication maps? I’m sure all these things are part of your British sense of humour, and you are really having fun confusing all the tourists of the world… However, I still think you are adorable and, after I have lived in the USA, I agree much more with the Brits, above all, with Sting. I also like the toasts to one side.

Rupert Grint, Darren Criss and Tom Felton in disguise. Picture courtesy Tom Felton Meets the Superfans by BBC.

Rupert Grint, Darren Criss and Tom Felton in disguise. Picture courtesy Tom Felton Meets the Superfans by BBC.

Anyway, we made it. We arrived at the hostel, but I am not sure what was expecting one of my comrades… A palace, maybe? The case is this two pals had arranged the whole trip, so I assumed they knew what they were doing… First surprise: we were three, and it was only one bed booked. Lovely.

The folk on admission was very kind, and he did his best to find us three beds. Unfortunately, it was full of fans because guess where all were going to attend? The problem was he could find us three beds but each one in a different room to share with people whom we did not know at all. I was brave, and I slept in my bed with a bunch of crazy Australians and Germans buy my friends were not. They slept together in the same tiny bed because they were scared of strangers.

The fun part of this it is that I have started this text telling you that, to me, it is hard to recognise people. Well, sometimes it is not. I suppose it is hard for me to remember faces at first sight but not the way people have to express and to act. And the voice… That’s something which really keeps recorded in my brain. Well, at least you are having a very very bad cough, sore throat? Anyway… Just keep in mind there was an Australian girl in the same room than Me in a hostel…

Next day, my tribe pals thought the breakfast which the hostel included was disgusting. Following the “Ew!” rule we finished in Camden’s market where they ate a huge hot dog for breakfast from a place where the dirt on the walls and floors had even learnt to speak English, but that meal and place was much better than a free continental breakfast at the hostel.

We had three days to watch ALL London, but one day was only for the Premiere. So the deal was that if we were going to miss one day because it was the wish of one of the other girls; each one of us would have the right to choose what she preferred to do or to watch. I decided the London Eye and the other-other girl wanted to dinner at the Rainforest Cafe.

We went to one side to other of the city without to really see so much. The other girls were for days remembering me how expensive it is the London Eye. Then, we arrived at the hostel where the nice guy from admission had arranged three beds in the same room. Yeah! Problem: there were not only three beds in the room.

To be exact… Well, I do not really remember how many but we had in the same room people from Russia. You know how are Russian couples… Like loving birds but after having finished the ‘loving touch’ they have fights worst than the ones in Bond movies.

Rupert Grint and Tom Felton. Picture courtesy Tom Felton Meets the Superfans by BBC.

Rupert Grint and Tom Felton. Picture courtesy Tom Felton Meets the Superfans by BBC.

We did not wait so long. Probably, because the other-other girl was expecting a palace, not a hostel. Apparently, because none of the other girls agreed with to share a room with strangers. Or, probably, and indeed, the surest because the other-other girl had a phobia to people kissing in public. Not kidding. I am not sure if she stills doing it, but in those times it was enough for her to see a couple kissing on the street to start to blame them with all kind of things. Hold on! I do not mean with kissing, this type of exchange of mouth fluids so passionate which can make feel horny to anybody. I mean, the quick kiss on lips. That’s it. This was enough reason to blame and to start to say atrocities; but always in a low profile, between the ‘friends’ because it is way cooler than the other way. Really, haven’t you ever met an ‘Ew girl’? Because I have met a bunch of them.

The Russian couple started to kiss, and the girl got nervous. So what we did? We left the hostel. And at 12am, we were looking for a cheap place to stay in London. Lovely… We ended in a hotel sleeping three on the same bed. So I still thinking this ‘cheap’ trip was not cheap at all. In fact, these wild ways cost much more than other luxurious trips that I had after… But let’s go to the point: Harry Potter.

The other girl had a contact which was “the real obsessed”, she was not. This contact had told her that they were people waiting for the event on Leicester Square the night before. It was true. We went to check it and ‘to see if any of the stars were around there’ because you know it, folks. It is not the fantastic crew behind the stars who prepares and organises all this kind of events. It is the start itself. So Dan, dear, what the bloody thing were you doing the night before the premiere that you were not saying to people how to put well the red carpet? Do not you see you broke the heart of all your lovers who were waiting for you? What a lousy boyfriend you are… Even if, in most of the cases, your relationship with some of these fans could have been considered illegal or an act of pederasty…! I do not remember correctly, what you did after that premiere, maybe you answered a letter to them or something… But I was surprised on college by some sweet treats as a celebration of… that thing you did! Ok, I am not going to creep him out. Well, maybe I will… Just in the remote case, he decides to read this.

It is the truth. It is scary to be like Dan, but this is only the beginning…

Daniel Radcliffe. Picture courtesy Tom Felton Meets the Superfans by BBC.

Daniel Radcliffe. Picture courtesy Tom Felton Meets the Superfans by BBC.

Have you ever been 11 hours under the drizzling rain and the freeze of November to see a bunch of kids who play wizards in a movie? Of course not! You are not so crazy… I must confess I expended most of my waiting time thinking: “How the hell have they made the dragon moves and it breathes real fire?” This is the reason why I love filmmaking. The real magic! Not the “famous” ones. My other thought was: “Hey folk who are using the crane camera. I still learning how to use all this stuff and cameras but if you need help putting tape on the cables or you need a break I am the first one on this queue to help you, and I can raise my hand even higher than Hermione to show you I know all the answers.” (Yes, read the quotes without breath) And I am not lying, I was the first in the queue next to the fences but… On the service path and not the main ‘star avenue’ but anyway, people filmed me. It is the ‘thing’ in my eyes. I can do nothing about it…

Now, can I blame Robert Pattinson? Can I hate him? Because he was there too and he really was who awoke the pure madness. Thanks to him, Radcliffe and Felton, I finished with bruises on my thighs with the shape of the fence which, by the way, it was the same shape than my logo. I had it engraved on my skin by the force of the fans. Literally.

Now, can you guess who the girl who pushed me so hard and with all that hysteria against the fences was? No…? It was none of the girls of the clan. It was the same Australian with who I shared a room the first night!!! But, do not have enough with this… Guess who I met years after in the NYFA and I booked her as an actress? Can you guess who? The same Australian bloody girl!!! Can you understand why do I say the world is a handkerchief? Because despite there are millions of people on this planet it seems there is some kind of magic voodoo out there or some law of attraction that we have not discovered yet which makes these bloody casualties come true. Or is this, or the real Gods of the Olympus which are playing with our figurines have a real savage, twisted sense of humour.

Going back to the premiere. Do you know who assisted and I did not recognise her? Madonna, herself. She passed, and I was like: “Is this blondie on the film? Maybe she is one from the French Wizard School…” After, I read the newspaper who was her. Can you see why “I’M A DISASTER”? By the way, the most pathetic it is not the event itself, the hysteria of some fans or how your body feels sore, wet, bruised and frozen. The most pathetic it is to see how the newspapers make sensationalism arguing about why all the main actors decided to wear velvet jackets or how all the depressed lovers had breakups and they burst into tears because you, “famous”, had not “magically” fallen in love with them. Or… you had not exchanged phone numbers. Yes, yes, yes. It is that way… But they only confess this secret dreams when they feel between comrades.

J.K. Rowling. Picture courtesy Tom Felton Meets the Superfans by BBC.

J.K. Rowling. Picture courtesy Tom Felton Meets the Superfans by BBC.

I call this desolating moments: “The Disillusioned Tears” but do you know what? They do not last so much because after a nap and you, “famous folks” say: “I love you.” The wheel starts to spin again. It really is the never-ending story. The only way that I have found and obsessed leaves his/her addiction for a theme or a folk it is when this people change their obsession to a new drug, but nothing else.

You know… Paul McCarney is right. This is like the Queenie Eye game. We are just passing the ball ones between the others to relieve some pressure of the tons of hands who wish to hold our hands but which they are, in fact, holding our necks.

Now, do you really want to know why do I like to joke that Daniel Radcliffe is following me, as Cumberbatch and anything Echelon related is doing too? Apply the handkerchief rule explained before. Relax, enjoy, and have some laughs, or die of creepiness.

After all the crying my friend had after the premiere we came back home. The world admired us as heroes for to have assisted to this kind of event. I am still hearing voices which remember me how lucky I was because I assisted to the event an I watched “famous” in real… Not in HD…

How I said, the crying is just episodic. So do not worry famous bad boyfriends, your fans are stronger, and they recover of this ‘bad romance’ you are having.

Now, something I must say to Dan:

Dear Dan,

I am sorry, but I know all the jokes about the “magic wands” and all these theories in which J.K. Rowling is a “real witch” because there is no other way she could have so much imagination to create that fantasy world. As I said, they even celebrated something that you did, and I cannot remember. All that I know about your persona is because they told me, but despite I celebrated your birthday once I do not remember it, neither how old you are. Although, I had to engrave on my brain that Potter and Neville were born July 31st.

I have even seen you naked on theatre. Unfortunately, I disliked that part, and I preferred the one in which you sang jingles. However, you keep following me because, after all these strange meetings with people who even know your shoe size, you have worked with my teacher on NYFA. So I had your face on my Fb wall each day he posted a self-promo of his film. I had not seen the movie, please Kroki forgive me, but I really pass to look at Dan naked again… Sincerely, Dan, if I had not enough with your crazy fans, then you started to work with people who I have met… This must stop. I am getting tired of seeing your face… Well no. I am not saying you are ugly. Just it is exhausting, ok?


Not your fan and I do not really care what you are going to play next.

Daniel Radcliffe. Picture courtesy Tom Felton Meets the Superfans by BBC.

Daniel Radcliffe. Picture courtesy Tom Felton Meets the Superfans by BBC.

The fun part of all this Dan story is when he played Equus, which it is interesting to check by Shakespeare and Lumet, not by a naked Dan. Even it was fascinating by the impressive Richard Griffins who really nailed it but whom unfortunately passed away. The curious part is when the play is going to start, and everybody felt nervous because there was a rumour about some “famous” folks who had come to watch the play. Then, everybody looked at each other like… “Are you the ‘famous’?” After, when the play had finished, people started to get out of the Gielgud Theater very quick. Did they need to go to the restroom? No, they went after Dan to ask for an autograph and a pic. Seriously, have not you had enough with to see him naked? It seems not, but the funnier part of all it was when I asked those people where do they went in such a hurry. Then, all of them told me “for an autograph” BUT, all of them also told me it was not for them: it was for her little sister. It seems everybody has little sisters… Isn’t it weird?

However the “hunt of the famous” it is not so simple like that. It requires dedication and patience. It is almost an art… Of course, like I am a disaster in this thing I cannot really understand it, but I know there are people out there who works really hard to catch their prays… And I know what I am saying…

To start this part of the story, I will simply say: when I went to London, in the trip that I mentioned you, we met Seal and Donatella Versace. Fact, which it is completely normal because Heathrow is a huge airport and even famous people need to take flight. Anyway, the other-other girl (which is really the one who recognises everybody) recognised Seal meanwhile we were waiting for our luggage. I do not remember what she said, but I bet he heard it. So, in less than a blink of the eye Seal used his ninja skills to disappear. Because it is true, to be in this artistic professions, you do not only need to be a master in social jiu-jitsu. You also need to be the best ninja and to know how to blend between people and to disappear. At less, of course, you are Donatella, in that case, you are going to pass off all those stupidities that “fans” and “famous hunters” DO because you are a queen, girl. Queens like her, who are saying to the whole world how to dress, do not worry for a couple of jackanapes.

As I told you that first trip to London really impacted me because I discovered a facet of people who I did not know. This stupid behaviour really permeated inside me but no as people thought… I think, my folks thought of those times that I was cool because I shared a significant experience with them. However, after that trip what I felt was not happiness. I felt fear. I thought the people with I was hanging out was creepy and part insane. And, my worst fears were revived again when they suggested doing the same crazy premiere stuff again. They had several attempts to plan a new trip to the new ones, but I did not know if they finally went or not because I did not. Seriously, I will always remember the bruises on my thighs only for to try to see a kid who has the same size as Me. I think part of the cryings that the folks had after the event was something about the childish aspect of Dan. Sorry, I do not remember well that.

Tina and Tom Felton. Picture courtesy Tom Felton Meets the Superfans by BBC.

Tina and Tom Felton. Picture courtesy Tom Felton Meets the Superfans by BBC.

I remember how that day of the Premiere I went to Burger King to order all the food for my pals who were waiting for me on the line. I think I remember Tina, but I am not sure of it. I will tell you who is Tina after… And I remember that meanwhile, we were eating on queue people surrounded us and it was impossible to move. I had the paper bags of the food with me, and I asked a bobby who was closer if he could throw our trash for us. He, as a kind gentleman and Londoner, offered to do it without any problem. However, I received a bunch of insults from the bloody Australian girl who was just behind me. Why? Because it seems it is not appropriate to ask a policeman for such a thing like that. I do not understand, different cultures maybe…? Perhaps, that unapproved aptitude that I had with the bobby was what made her to push me harder against the fence? Or perhaps it was just Tom Felton? I do not know… What I know it is that I have very bad blood. If you look at me a bit harder, I get bruises. So imagine how long I had on my thighs the several diamond symbols which formed the fence marked on my legs and body. Like to do not remember the face of the Australian girl. Other stuff it is that I know very well how to play the stupid girl.

Seriously, folks, one day I would like that any of you who have the “thing” on the eyes and who knows what I am talking send me one fake Oscar. Even if it is a just bad draw in a piece of paper, I deserve one to be: “Best non-official actress in a constant supporting role.” Because I am better than Meryl Streep and Cumberbatch. In special when you are meeting people, which maybe are married, and they start to talk about with who they would like to be… It is bizarre. Like, e.g., a woman who is married to her husband for years and you are talking about George Clooney, and she confesses you that if he just shows up at the door, she leaves her husband and she will go with George. Really, try to play that scene, Meryl, I know you can; but I have a lot of experience with that one… And to play like everything is normal and not any case of madness is going on.

I find these behaviours insane and scary, just for the fact these people do not really know Mr Clooney. I do not know… maybe he likes to put his feet on the coffee table, and you hate the behaviour… Maybe, she (the woman about I was talking) hates the same reaction too… So, why are you going to leave everything to be with a person who you do not know? Because he is “famous”? Rich? Looks good? Or is it because he is always portrayed like the perfected gentleman? Do you know something, girls? Clark Gable was always portrayed the same way by the Hollywood Industry, and he liked more a bottle than anything. And, as I have read, he did not have enough with one woman. So are you still thinking you really want to be with “these famous”?

Voldemort and Tom Felton. Picture courtesy Tom Felton Meets the Superfans by BBC.

Voldemort and Tom Felton. Picture courtesy Tom Felton Meets the Superfans by BBC.

It seems… If I had not enough with Harry Potter… Later, it came LOST, a television series where a bunch of unexplainable things happened and which it could be resolved in 24 hours if you had cast Jack Bauer. What were you thinking J.J. Abrams?

It is alright. It worked very well as a make money machine which, after all, it is what it counts, let’s be honest about it… However, this series hit high to the folks of my clan. I, the weird, I had not seen any episode until my fifth year of college (2007-2008). Yeah, old studies, five bloody years on filmmaking and broadcasting to later, people out there do not know what the hell have I studied… Anyway, another member of the clan lend me the past seasons of LOST. I must recognise some chapters really had their mysterious point, and I was quite addicted but because I wanted to know where the bloody polar bear came from, not because of the half-naked boys and girls on the beach, the whole day… Alright, alright, alright, the guy who played Sawyer had his point shirtless, and Desmond with his Scottish accent and his “brotha” was adorable STOP. That’s it. However, everybody was in love with Jack and freckles… I was confused… I wanted to hit them on back of their necks in almost all the chapters and people had a strong crush on them… WHAT??!! Yes, I am using the names of characters because… (Whispering Secret: “I do not know their real names… Shhhh…”) I can google them I know… but, in a week, probably I will have to google them again. Yeah… I know… I have a problem… Except with Dan, people have done I memorise his face very well. Although that haircut in Kill Your Darlings confused me for a while… Sorry.

What I was saying… Oh, yes, to “hunt famous”. Yep, yep, yep. Imagine how twisted are some of these minds that you want to believe that you are studying a degree in filmmaking and broadcasting and the rest of the people who are studying with you want to be like you: great filmmakers. To the surprise… And after all the Premier and fandom experience you start to discover that not all the people who are studying the same, they want to be the best in their jobs. Some people are only studying the subjects because they believe working in the industry they could have more possibilities to meet “famous people” and of course, to marry one of them. It is logic. If you think about it like if you are an addict of Grey’s Anatomy… It has sense. If you want to marry a doctor, you study to be a nurse. It is the same theory applied to the spectacle’s world.

I am not lying when I say this, and I am writing about it because all this text started not only for One Direction crisis if not because I saw the documentary that Draco Malfoy did. Sorry, Tom Felton, I think after your work in your documentary I am going to try to memorise your face and associate it with your real name because you are a fearless man. However, I cannot promise you to call you Tom. It is my problem, man. Arrrgghh… Anyway, he made a documentary, which I really recommend you, called “Tom Felton Meets the Superfans” and it is about to try to understand all this fandom phenomenon but, above all, he was trying to understand why a woman older than him, called Tina, is following him everywhere. I am not sure if Tom really understood why some people follow others but I know he could not have my perspective because he was at the other side of the fence: the day of the Velvet Revolution. Wait, Tom did not wear a velvet jacket, or yes? Not sure, kid. Sorry again.

Tom Felton with a bunch of Superfans. Picture courtesy Tom Felton Meets the Superfans by BBC.

Tom Felton with a bunch of Superfans. Picture courtesy Tom Felton Meets the Superfans by BBC.

When I was in college, I received acting classes because you cannot direct if you do not know which is the actor’s job. I must recognise, some of the great actors… or they are entirely looney, or they are masochists, because why the heck do you want to experiment all these kinds of trouble sensations inside your body? To win an Oscar?! I need someone explains me that point because I cannot understand why some actors are always looking for the most anguish and tortured characters which crazy minds like mine create. Maybe I had bad luck, but all the characters that people wanted I played were depressive, maniac, psychos with affective problems… I know why my pals created those characters, I did too. (Whispering Secret: they impact more to the professor and to the audience)

I suppose something about the acting had left inside me because when I see some film scenes, like Cumberbatch Khan’s Speech or Eddie Redmayne playing Hawking, I find myself watching and trying to do the same at the same time. I say to myself: “Esther, can you stop to be an idiot?” Because I promise you I finished the Theory of Everything with my neck to one side and making weird things with my jaws. I know it is nuts, but yes, this profession is nuts.

Anyway, “famous folks” and in special to Tom Felton. Do you want to know why I know of the master plan about to study filmmaking to marry some of you? Because my acting professor discovered it in some of my college mates. These girls, to be specific, were more interested in Valencia FC players but it is the same. After a chat trap -please have in mind, my old professor is a very popular supporting role actor in my country; like J.K. Simmons but without any important award- he made them confess as, if it is the most natural thing on the planet, that they were really studying the same degree than I because they had the HOPE to be working as camera or producer and someone “famous” would fall in love with them. Shock!

Not finishing here the story. I am going to creep you out more, until the point you are not going to look again, with the same eyes, that journalist which is interviewing you or that assistant producer which brings you the coffee each morning on set. Hold on! This warning experience goes for both sides, boys and girls because I am talking about girls with loving problems towards famous people, but this also happens in the other direction too. These darlings, it is what has made me raise “my personal boyfriend test” to a level so high. That, honestly, I do not really think there is any human being in this world who can pass it. Just my dog can pass it and not always… She always wants me for the food and the belly rubs, sometimes it is not platonic love…

After finishing my degree, I travelled to Los Angeles to study more about filmmaking. I had the naive hope, people there would really like to make movies and not to have romances with everybody. I am going to mention J.J. Abrams again. That movie called Super 8 about kids who really love filmmaking and to make films: “It’s a LIE!” Not the aliens, maybe that part is true. The part of people really wishing to make films and not to fall in love with “stars”. Do you really want to know which was the first thing I found on the school? Everybody wanted to have a class inside “Steven Spielberg’s room”.

Daniel Radcliffe. Picture courtesy Tom Felton Meets the Superfans by BBC.

Daniel Radcliffe. Picture courtesy Tom Felton Meets the Superfans by BBC.

Dear folks,

That at the school they have named one room as a film director who stills alive. It does not mean Steven Spielberg lives there. He is not in the place. He is busy making more films but, definitely, he is not in the room, ok?

The common sense

Imagine how nuts is the romance story that we were a small filmmaking group, and we had a small group of actors for the first assignments. In the whole team, it was only one good actor. I worked with him several times, and he was the African Cumberbatch in comparison with what we had. How do I know that? Well, because I was the first one who worked with him in my group and he needed to be very scared for the play. So scared that he had feared for his life because some thugs wanted to kill him. Then he asked me: “How many tears do you want my eyes to cry: one or two?” Do not deny it: this is to be excellent. If an actor can give you the exact number of tears which are going to fall, slowly, for his cheeks, please, take care of him. Usually, it does not work this way. Just kidding.

It is right. This folk is fantastic but do you really want to know why some people insisted in to cast him? In particular, one of my group? Because he is hot and you know that sexual rumours about black guys, don’t you? Well, sadly, it worked like that. People started to cast the “hot” ones and no the “talented” ones. In the case of this folk, he had both, but he was an exception. Then, I understood why some actors have so many hangs-up about their appearance. It is unfortunate and depressing, but this is how most of the people work.

However, like the classes were finishing and it seemed nobody had a serious romance with any other like in the movies. Everybody became a bit hysterical and like if it was spring. The last month of classes it happened all kind of “romance” issues that I better keep for myself. Because it was not only what it really happened if not what people pretended that happened or… what they were planning that it would happen. As I did not show interest for any of these things they managed to make an inquisition interrogatory to know my tastes. They used a night in which we supposedly we were all drunk… Ha! I have told you I deserve an Oscar. The case is I told them the truth, and they did not believe me because it was impossible that I had those “personal” tastes. So, they assumed I was lying and that I was lesbian. For this reason, I was not interested in guys. I can confess you: “I kissed a girl and I don’t like it…” Happy now? I told you, Basil the super detective left the batten very high. No human can overcome that.

When I was in LA for the first time, I did not understand all of this “romance with the famous” or with the “one who could have the potential to really become famous” very well. I needed years to have a better perspective about all of this.

At that moment, I did not really know if people really thought that I was impressive or not. I am a bit astute. When everybody introduced themselves the first class day, everybody had done a lot of things, and everybody was super talented. I did say nothing about my five-year degree or my work on broadcasting… Why? I mean… Was it essential? The next year I met Janusz Kaminski, and he does the same that I did. So, I suppose I am not so weird after all.

Daniel Radcliffe. Picture courtesy Tom Felton Meets the Superfans by BBC.

Daniel Radcliffe. Picture courtesy Tom Felton Meets the Superfans by BBC.

In any case, I passed to be “the one who does not speak well English” to “you are the number one” and “I will love to work with you”. All in the red carpet for a “stupid short film presentation” became a circus mediaticus. Everybody wanted a pic with me, work with me, tell me the talented I was… Blah, blah, blah… And do you really want to know something? I do not think all this crazy “red carpet stuff” were for me or for my short film. I really believe they were because before to come inside to the Egyptian Theater the professor, who has done the movie with Radcliffe, told me that if I needed help, I called him. Well, it was not really called. It was an email, but I think you have got it.

Red carpets are the worst event ever because everybody thinks they have the right to have a piece of you, even if you do not want to. What silly thing I am saying? Who cares about who is on the red carpet is thinking? That would be like believe about to plant more trees or to save the planet. Who really cares about that? If the only thing that most of the people care it is about to go to a coffee store and walk in Ian Somerhalder, and you, both, will fall in love FOREVER, for that he died to become a vampire, isn’t it? The FOREVER… Or Robert Pattison…? Exactly the same… GIRLS, which problem do you have with dead guys?

I do not know folks… It is like the ones who dream to date Elijah Wood because he has the “thing” in his eyes. Do you know the “thing” makes us literally half blind? Hi…! (Reality) Anyway, how are you going to think of date a folk who has grown up with you… I mean… Do you know of how many movies he acts like a kid? I have seen him die in a bunch of them… Definitely, I could not, but people are different… They are constantly looking for bad romances everywhere. And now, they have this crush with Cumberbatch… (I have also heard Cucumberback but better I am going to ignore it) I have not seen half of his movies I remember him and Redmayne from The Other Boleyn Girl. I thought this two were terrific, but as it is usual for me, I did not hold their names. Until this past Oscars who I was like: “These two nominee faces are familiar to me.” And people telling me: “Of course! He is Sherlock!” I have not seen Sherlock, I had not seen Star Trek Into the Darkness before the Oscars, but I knew I had seen both of them in something Tudor related. See.. how my mind works…? Anyway:

Dear Cumberbatch,

Are you God? We all know you are terrific, but, seriously, I am getting worried about your omnipresence EVERYWHERE. It is even worse than with Radcliffe or Jared Leto. No offence, folk, maybe you are a very cool guy, but I find your constant presence: creepy. It was just a few weeks ago I did not know who you are and now you are everywhere… Well, congratulations to your publicist because he/she is even better than you. Make to him/her a lovely gift.

With all my best to the future,

The one who finds you scary in particular, when you are using the Khan’s face. (Whispery Secret: I have not seen the Imitation Game either, although Keira Knightley is there and I love her. Just the Other Boleyn Girl and Star Trek. I recognise terrific acting at first sight, but I have a problem with to hold names)

Oh! Wait, I have not told you the Leto story… Well, you already know he is Jesus. His change of looks confuse me and, like Benedict, I find him creepy. Well, to be honest, the most creepy guy is Robert Downey Jr. followed by Mickey Rourke. Yeah, folks, you are creepy. Sorry… I have the “thing” in my eyes, and I am half blind. I cannot see your “hot” side.

Tom Felton as Joker. Picture courtesy Tom Felton Meets the Superfans by BBC.

Tom Felton as Joker. Picture courtesy Tom Felton Meets the Superfans by BBC.

However, I must confess I do not really have the problem with Leto I have the problem with his fans. The ones who are an organised army, called “Echelon”. Say it with Cumberbatch’s voice and do not tell me the name does not scare you. Although, the ones who are the worst are who do not consider themselves part of the army they are fans of… Jordan Catalano? Who the heck is that folk? I had to google it because all my fandom troubles come from there. And guess which was the answer? Jesus! I could not believe it was you again! He already knows he is a heartbreaker and if Cumberbatch can leave all of you, fans, pregnant only when you hear his voice. Leto understands with a sight he can leave you pregnant too. He knows it, trust me. He knows…

Let’s just say coming back to the Tom Felton documentary about the harmless Tina… Well, I cannot talk about Tina, but I can speak about Leto obsessed folks. Some of them are so annoying that put their noses where they do not know because they think they MUST protect the STAR. My question is, defend him of who? Others merely tell that they are looking for a family or a place to fit. Which, remembers me my past HP experience… Of course, none of you are obsessed. It is always the other… you are not… And finally, there is this sector who thinks or better express, they believe, they are married in a soul with the STAR… I do not have any problem if you want to be married to him. The problem that I have is that you think you are married to ME. Not because of ME if not because you confuse my talent with his.

Ladies, some boys too, do you really think all the messages he posts are secret messages directed only towards each one of you. Do you think he really speaks in these riddles just for each one of you? Seriously, because he closed long ago the comment section on his web. The thing, I told him, he had to do LONG AGO. I think it was in the Jurassic era, but it is okay. If you go to other pages to comment (I do not know which pages you are using, but I know some of you are still having conversations because you keep coming to my site in “anonymous ways” to complete your mental riddles). And later, “I must know who is each one of you.” Just because it seems it is the way of to “know it”, or everything must “have that crystal ball.” Do you really think is he the one who is answering you to all the messages you are leaving in other websites? Not even when this was allowed on his site, I think he had the time or the patience to do it. So why do you insist in to live this fantasy? So bad is your real world? Or do you really need help? Because I, honestly, do not know. Some of you attacked me with all your twisted weapons because you thought I was a threat. Some of you still trying to hunt me, when I am not in your games at all. Others, with the lack of personality of a blank piece of paper, tried to imitate me to create more chaos and to hurt other people more. Have not explained you yet that I am even better than Khan? That I am 3000 years old which it is swift to say but I have been beaten enough this past years to learn a bit… Do not worry, I do not have any intention to play your sick game or to seek for revenge. No, you have enough with yourselves, darlings. You are living your own hell. You only need yourselves…

When I created Worldless a bit more than four years ago. I was very naive. Do you want to know who the first ones who followed my series on Facebook were? Tony Stark, Peter Parker and Bruce Wayne. Not kidding. So, if these three superheroes were supporting me how do you think I can feel? I am even better than Khan…

Tom Felton. Picture courtesy Tom Felton Meets the Superfans by BBC.

Tom Felton. Picture courtesy Tom Felton Meets the Superfans by BBC.

Because I know both sides, not like the kids of Harry Potter whom only can know one and a half. I understand how some fandom is really sick until the point to lie to themselves and to the whole world to do not feel rejected by their own clan, family… I know, some of you are not really in my profession to tell stories and to make the world happy. You are here only because you have Hoped to find the “right one”. I had lived when I was 12 years old to go to the phone booth all the Saturdays to call to a USA phone number, which I do not know where my “friend” found it, to see if one of the BSB picked up the phone. Of course, it was always a pre-recorded message, but they kept calling with that HOPE and for to hear their voice. I have seen how college girls got hysterical, literally, just because some kids who played wizards passed near them. Later, they had the biggest depression and break down you cannot imagine because their HOPE just exploded like a bubble. I had seen how these girls had recovered their HOPE again when they received back a pre-written letter of their IDOLS, in the plural. Because, of course, if you are on the fandom side you cannot only have one crush you must have several impossible romances. I had seen how when I was living in LA, people always went to the same places with the HOPE to see a “famous” and to be “notorious”, but they were not really looking for this social recognition. They were looking for something else… which not all of them are going to confess you, dear Tom Felton. Most of this people lie to themselves in ways most of you cannot even imagine. So I am not going to get surprised if they lie to me via online.

I lived with people in LA who had the dream to become successful actors/actresses, but they were not really doing anything to get that. I mean, to watch movies or television the whole day… Now I am going to a free acting class, tomorrow I have some theatre here and there… “OMG! OMG! I got a role on CSI!” That’s it. Nothing else. The role on CSI only was used to date more girls which it is what it really matters. To have a date…

I am not famous. I do not want to be, but I know how it feels to be a prey for some insane “famous hunters”. Simply, because I have the “thing” in my eyes and I must be someone. People have asked me if I was Lindsey Lohan, Scarlett Johansson, Katy Perry, Hilary Rhoda and, most recently, Felicity Jones… Or is that, or they sneak pictures of me when I am in public, in special in airports… I do not know why, “seriously” but they do it, and it is annoying. When I went to the Warner Bros. Tour in London a guy was taken pictures of me continuously using as the excuse his kids. Dude, I have a five-year degree on cameras do not you think I do not know what are you framing and where is the focus?

I suppose this career is painful in this aspect. Maybe because people are always trying to “have a piece” of someone. I remember when Janusz Kaminski made a meeting for the NYFA students. I asked one of my partners to go, just for the fact that these people later told me that I never inform them of what I am going to do and it impossible to hang out with me. He told me that he did not know who Kaminski was, he did not care who he was, he prefered to go in the next months to one where Spielberg was going to assist. No comments… Do you know what I learnt in that meeting? Those people always want to feel superior to others saying that they have more studies in NYFA than you, but later they ask stupid questions, not even lighting or camera related, to a professional. I have not seen a more nervous man in my whole life than Janusz. I think he was quite scared by the presence of all these “students”, but maybe he already knew what I needed years to know: “Not all the people want to be a professional filmmaker”. And it is completely true. As it is: “Not all the people who go to concerts or Premiere events are unconditional supporters”. Most of them are people who are looking for something.

Another anecdote… The last concert I went, it was filmed. The band did not really give us a written authorisation paper about to use the images… The singer merely shouted if we agreed to be filmed for a music video. He said, “music video” not “film”. I know how it works the industry. I am just trying to “Save you” again. Thank me later. Anyway, they were testing cameras and lights. People got nervous after any person showed up on the stage and they always believed it was the singer the one who showed up. It was completely insane… But like I cannot avoid feeling like the mommy, of anybody… I found a girl who seemed quite lost. She was alone just like me. So I gave her my best spot because I am weird. Her first concert… she does not want to miss anything, she travelled to a different country… Oh, common! Very tragic story. The case is I tried to calm her nerves explaining they were not going to start because the cameras were doing this, the light check was doing that… I think I know so much… If it was not enough to keep my sunglasses all the time on the queue because, two folks in front of me, it was a girl who I know… You cannot imagine how insane was to be in the arena before the show started. Seriously, let’s patent the “thing”…

Tom Felton at MCM Birmingham Comic Con. Picture courtesy Tom Felton Meets the Superfans by BBC.

Tom Felton at MCM Birmingham Comic Con. Picture courtesy Tom Felton Meets the Superfans by BBC.

However, what most frustrates me from all this “fandom” or the “huntings” it is not like you feel like prey. Or when you came back from LA, and the other-other girl knew everything about where you have stayed and which “famous” lives there even if you have not told her anything. What I find more annoying it is all the noise that these people create and which it is really distracting the established people inside the industry. Until the point, their trust has been broken, and they do accept nobody to mentor or to hire so easily. I know some folks in Hollywood hated that times were they had to work without freedom directing anything that the major studio said to them but, in my current situation, I had killed to have got one of that kind of contracts and to show people that I am not a pretty face. I know to work hard and to tell stories and of course, I have faults, and I am sure I will make a bunch more the rest of my life. That is what makes me human.

It is tough to try to win the trust of someone, and it can be natural break by a stupidity like a jealous brat pretending to be someone who is not. Sometimes, I really think some human beings are pathetic.

Meanwhile, these people think in romantic affairs with their “famous crushes” my mind thinks in grandiose things. I do not dream in to meet them or to have a relationship with them. I want to give them a job, to a bunch of them.

Meanwhile, some of you are thinking: “I will melt in Jared Leto’s arms”. I think he will be perfect in a role of a psycho mobster. Or, meanwhile, folks dream Cumberbatch will be the ideal future husband. I think: “If Khan is so badass… What will happen if two members of the same crew are unfrozen and the other one is Redmayne… OMG! I need to write this!” And here it really starts my hysteria attack because:

  1. I do not have enough time to write all that my mind creates and casts.
  2. I cannot call J.J. Abrams to tell him. Let’s make this. You will direct. I write.

See… now? Why I am better in everything, even better than Cumberbatch. Because he is not thinking in to give me a job, but I am thinking in to give to him almost five. Life is not fair to free minds like mine…

So to the next one who will ask me: (making funny voices) “Oh, I want to meet you”; “Oh… I want to know more about you and about your life”; “Oh… Let’s be friends on Facebook you seem cool”; “Oh… Can you give me a job or hire me I can be a good actor/actress”… My polite answer: “When you will pass half of the filters that I had to pass to do not even arrive when I want to be. If you can handle that, come back to me. It will be waiting for you a bunch of filters more but if you can resist them. We can start to talk.” I think this deal it is fair enough.

My advice, darlings, stop to be predictable and do not really think people like me or this “famous” folks are going to receive you with the open hands only because you are dreaming about them. If you want to be respected in the industry. First, respect others and yourself. Then, work even harder and do not expect nobody will become your saviour because St Cumberbatch, Jared Jesus or Daniel Martyr are not going to do it but, above all, NEVER expect Ryan Gosling will ride a white horse the day of your wedding with HIM.


Tom Felton and Tina. Picture courtesy Tom Felton Meets the Superfans by BBC.

Tom Felton and Tina. Picture courtesy Tom Felton Meets the Superfans by BBC.