My Life Has Been A Lie

Cinderella (1950). Picture courtesy Disney Pictures.

Cinderella (1950). Picture courtesy Disney Pictures.

It is true. Life is not fair. One day, you wake up and you discover life is not how you have imagined at all. It is just… It is not how you have planned it and you discover things are not right. Yes, folks, it happened to me some months ago. I woke up and I discovered I was using the wrong shoe size.

I am not kidding. Please, be serious with this. I have grown up believing I used a shoe number and it was a huge LIE, same with clothes. Do you know which kind of trauma can this create to a young mind like mine? Well, actually, it is not so dramatic but let’s treat this text as if all of us are fashion addicts. Just for to try to have fun with it.

It is hard. I know. What am I going to do with all these clothes? They are not my size anymore! And the shoes… Oh, noes! Life is not fair at all… crying scene – drama, drama and more drama

10 boxes of tissues later
Ok, let’s breathe. Recover the composure… Enough tears about this. Thanks, Lord purses are one size if not I would not know what I would do with my senseless life because it is the truth. Life does not have a sense at all if you cannot wear your favorite shoes.

Actually, and thinking about it… Wasn’t Marilyn who said: “Give to a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world?” See? This is the logical explanation of why I have not conquered the world yet. Folks, now be prepared for the annihilation.

Do you know thinks in some countries work very different than in others, don’t you? I have seen it in the USA. You see the kids and they wear all kind of mismatching clothes because their parents give some kind of freedom… So it is completely accepted that a kid just wears a tutu on the street, or flashy clothes, a Batman outfit (even if it is not Halloween). It is fun. Everybody can wear what they want.

However, not all the countries work the same way. In some countries, your parents tell you what you should wear and they have that right because they have created you. It is not because they like to give orders. It is something commonly accepted.

Something similar happens with food. It does not matter that you say: “I hate artichokes” because they are not going to listen to you. In fact, if you ask your family probably they are going to tell you: “You love artichokes.” It does not matter. It is a lost fight. You can say that you love all the veggies except that one because they are going to insist: “You love artichokes.” And if not, they are going to say: “Since when?” Facepalm, I know.

Cinderella (1950). Picture courtesy Disney Pictures.

Cinderella (1950). Picture courtesy Disney Pictures.

The other day I just assisted to a kind of conversation like this. It was one of my cousins with his parents. He was talking about his shoulder problem saying that he is complaining about his shoulders since he was a kid. The answer was: “Since when? What didn’t you tell us?” But, that’s it. This kind of conversations never arrives at any place in certain cultures.

On these cultures, they do exactly the same with what you should do in your life. It is like this Korean tradition in which when you are a toddler they put several objects in front of you and you must pick one. The one that you pick is the one who says the profession you are going to have. So, beware with what you pick toddlers. Your destiny will depend on that.

On my culture, it is a bit more about hands. My grandpa was very proud of me. He saw my hands and he said: “She would be a good baker,” and it is true. In part… I love to bake sweets and not to eat them. I also love to cook but I cannot be the typical baker of my culture.

I do not remember this but my family has told me this story so many times that it is like if I remember it. It seemed, one day, my grandpa was very upset. He was walking with me near the beach and a gypsy saw me and she read my hands, for free. She did want nothing. I do not remember I was a toddler but my grandfather came back home very upset. She told him that I was going to be a great artist who I will influence a lot of people. Grandpa was upset because for him artist were painters and that meant to him to suffer starvation and a bad life. It was better to be a baker because you can always know how to make your own “bread”. The mystic part of this story is that my family tried to talk with the gypsy again and she completely disappeared. Like I do not like to take so serious this things because they scare me. I want to think the gypsy was some kind Jedi or Fairy Godmother. Something lovely…

Cinderella (1950). Picture courtesy Disney Pictures.

Cinderella (1950). Picture courtesy Disney Pictures.

Anyway, now you know how certain cultures work. So, I liked to imagine what would happen if you apply the mentality of my culture about to “say how should be” the things to their children, to a freedom fashion addict. It would be: “OMG! All my life believing I must wear size 40 and I have discovered I use 36.” You know, a very huge drama. Because do not deny it is not a huge one. Now, what do you do with that clothes you “love”? It is worst than a breakup with the “Charming Prince”.

Oh, wait, I have not told you the other huge LIE. This one was quite shocking actually…

Do you know all these fancy stories about a girl with crystal slippers, who goes to a ball and she meet the “Charming Prince” and at midnight she must run but thanks to the shoe he finds him and they live happily ever after? Imagine if Cinderella was not wearing the “right” shoe size… Buff! Let’s give thanks to the Fairy Godmother to have done of that shoes the right ones. And for to have used a pumpkin and not a huge artichoke. What a mess of story I am doing.

Anyway, I was at college and I had a “subject” called “Communications Theory” with a “professor” who was very “special”. The quotes are for remark how “special” was “everything”. It is not well seen to write filthy words and bad things.

She was a “special” woman. She taught us not everything is a casualty and everything has a reason. She had kids and she did not have a television in her house because she did not want her kids to grow up with the bad influence of that “evil box”. It is the truth, actually, some broadcasted shows are awful.

Curiously, she was teaching that subject to people who were studying a degree to work behind cameras on television. So yes, it was like one of this strange road movies with all kind of accidental things happening in between and without to know if you will approve that subject one day of your life. Surprisingly, I was good on it because I articulate but a friend of mine had a misfortune incident and her… Well, she almost could not have the degree only for a subject. Let’s say, kids, that even if you do not agree with your professors, to some of them, you ALWAYS must give to them the reason. ALWAYS. And NEVER talk bad about them. EVEN MORE, if you are in the college cafeteria talking with your mates and the PROFESSOR just pass behind your back. Have you seen that scenes with professor Snape in Hogwarts? Snape was not so awkward. Trust me.

Cinderella (1950). Picture courtesy Disney Pictures.

Cinderella (1950). Picture courtesy Disney Pictures.

Well, she unveiled to us the truth. It was the biggest punch to reality EVER. “Disney movies are the worst influence of all.”

She loved to project images to explain her theories and her subject and I still quite in shock. Because the SHOE, does not mean a SHOE… It is the metaphor used to hide the reality which is: the SHOE is a symbolism of the eternal classic marriage contract between the man and the woman. And the SHOE it really means the RING.

Not happy with this. She exposed a bunch of images of different Disney films in which she revealed to us the subliminal quality of the images. It seems there are sexual connotations everywhere and all kind of messages treating the women as a sexual icon. Until the point that whoever drew Mufasa’s face was not thinking on a lion if not in a topless almost naked girl. She showed us the scene, that scene, and she drew the… shape. And I was like the Genie in Aladdin when he drops his jaws and he needs the help of Al to close his mouth again.

You cannot make me that, professor! It is Mufasa! How can you dare to destroy my children’s myth? Are you telling me my whole life I was believing a LIE?

Honestly, I do not think the guy who drew Mufasa was really thinking on that perverted thing. Actually, if you look at a lion’s face you can almost see the same shape. So, applying that Communications Theory to the fact it was a Catholic University, should I go further and say the real pervert was God who created that shape on that majestic animal? Because that subject was about that, after all. It was about to look for impossible theories and to articulate them correctly. Although, I still think the problem is not in Disney films or the evil box. Shhhh… Someone else had the problem.

On those years I started to film things with a crew and I discovered this kind of professors have really infected us. It is exactly like in Inception. Just like the idea that they have put it is not: “This world isn’t real”. You know what continues: “You’re waiting for a train…” Well, in this case, there was a train too and two people who jumped to the railways to “awake”. NOTE: This short film was before Inception.

I was editor then. And do you know that thing they told: “filmmaking is about to find a crew with whom you can trust and work all together on an idea you believe?” It is another LIE too. Maybe in other times… When it was the Super 8 or early but, in times, when everybody has access to a camera. The normal, not logical, it is to find people who are always desperate to be better than any other and to do anything to be better than the other. Tsk, folks, listen: “You can’t compete with Khan. He is, absolutely, better in EVERYTHING.” Do not try to be better than he. It is just… Illogical…

Cinderella (1950). Picture courtesy Disney Pictures.

Cinderella (1950). Picture courtesy Disney Pictures.

I used to be editor or sound tech because everybody was scared of the software. I recognize they are scary especially when you need to equalize the sound and you did not know well how the frequencies work. You know? It is hard you cannot just grab the sound and pass it for a Noise Gate! Oh, common! If you cannot even touch the sound! And what about the Compressor? How do you do that? Injecting air to the sound? See? For this reason, certain jobs are only for magicians because we know how to pick up the sound and pass it through a gate. Magic…

Anyway, I have been in disastrous shooting days but that one deserves an Award. A special one. In theory, as an editor, you should not do so much on set but like we only had two days to film everything and several locations I offered to go and to help. We started at 5 a.m. because there were some sunrise scenes and… You know what happens with the sun? It is a bad guy, it does not wait for the director to be ready to film. Because the camera man was ready, the beach too, the two actors too but the director was not sure about the angle to film the scene. For each shot, not scene or take, he took one hour. Is in that moment when you are sitting on the sand looking the sea waves and I thought: “Continuity is dead.” “Don’t worry,” they said. “Everything can be fixed in post-production.” And Me thinking: “Hey! I’m post-production and my magic isn’t so powerful!” Yes, it is not folks, trust me. I cannot move the sun position and the whole lighting.

The story continued… Everybody fought in a moment with other to see who was better. I even received several screams to try to approach a cable to a partner who needed it. Because that was not inside my job. So, I decided to watch the sea. After lunch, the director died, not literally, but he got down. He did not want to eat he only say he did not feel well… So he closed himself on one of the rooms of the apartment where we were filming. Desperation went higher, people started to fight and Director’s Assistant put herself in charge to direct. Not happy with that they were a bunch of argues and complains about what she and not “others” with more “direction experience” should direct. She started to direct meanwhile the main director was on next room “dying” and meanwhile, some other crew was criticizing in another next room and meanwhile some other crew was drinking beers. She got upset and she cursed all the people who did not have a “specific job on set”. We were obliged to the exile. Even the owner of the apartment was banished too.

Cinderella (1950). Picture courtesy Disney Pictures.

Cinderella (1950). Picture courtesy Disney Pictures.

We went to a closer bar and only two of us did not drink alcoholic drinks. The rest were all about gin, beers… Just what the filming crew “needed”. When we came back around one hour and a half later. She had not filmed so much which made upset to the guys who drank the spirits. Suddenly, the director raised from dead like a vampire and he wanted to recover his job position. More fights about he was not ready for that, but he won. So he started to film again wanting to film all the scenes her 1st AD had directed. Obviously, there was not enough time for that.

People got upset, upset, upset. In resume. We finished the day at 3 a.m. and next day was scheduled to start at 5 a.m. That, without to have in mind not all of us were sleeping on location. As I heard so many times my help was not needed I took the next train on the morning and I went back home.

When it arrived my turn in post-production. Continuity was really dead. The director showed the first day to see the shots and to edit with me. He did not come back none of the other days. Neither the DP or the 1st AD. We were only Me, my pet rock and the sound editor who had to dub in his free time the whole audio because what somebody had recorded it was useless. I swear he made pure magic. He took the .wav file (not confuse with woof, that’s a dog) from the final cut and he created everything from 0. Not even having the images or the video. Later he came back and we synchronized it.

I wrapped everything as best I could and I went to the screening with the professor of this final subject. No one of the main charges: director, producer… came to the screening.

I received the most unfair scolding of my whole life from that professor who did not want to listen that I was not the director. I simply edited that piece and the other three pals who were with me were: the best man, gaffer, and camera. When the professor reacted he was even more upset. He did not want to notice the magic the other guy made with the sound or anything. So, yes, that thing about to trust in your crew… Definitely not.

Cinderella (1950). Picture courtesy Disney Pictures.

Cinderella (1950). Picture courtesy Disney Pictures.

Some time after I arrived in Los Angeles with the hope to find a more trustful crew. Another LIE. Do you know what is everybody thinking? They think about where are the hot girls and guys which show up on films. I have a theory but it is in my crazy mind. I am not sure if you are going to get it but I am going to try to explain it.

These “hot” guys and girls which show up on films do not exist. I repeat: they do not exist. They are not real, even more, if they do not have Twitter they are not real at all. That is the reason you cannot find them walking on the streets as a daydream because the people who act in films is not real. The real ones are all inside like… in a closet or cupboard inside of the studios and they are there waiting to be useful on the right scene. They only show up on the scene and later they come back to their cupboard and they hide because they are like kids and they are afraid of monsters. Has sense, isn’t it?

Well, I told my theory to my new pals in LA, I think that’s the reason why they always wanted to come with me to Universal Props because they never rented anything. Or was that or it was for to see Wolf? Yes, it was the name of the guy on the 3rd floor. What a weird name… However, I did not discover the secret cupboard on that building but the elevator was like on these spy films, with wind included, so cool… Even more, cooler is the one who only lets you go to wardrobe, at least, you have a secret key. Which I do not know what it does but I believe it goes down to the secret operation base located in the underground. Why if not are they going to have a bunch of classic cars for some films? Obviously, they are the vehicles for the spies!

Cinderella (1950). Picture courtesy Disney Pictures.

Cinderella (1950). Picture courtesy Disney Pictures.

Anyway, and going back to the clothing size. Do you know which is the problem of filmmaking wardrobes? You got it: the size! And I want to believe it is not a canon problem, as a lot of actresses think. The real problem is not the size of the clothes or the size of the actresses. If not, the real problem is a lot of people “believes” they use a size when, in fact, they are using the wrong shoe size all their lives. I think it is time to complain less about clothes, sizes, and shapes and to start to know a bit more oneself. Do not try to fit in clothes that are not for you, or hats or shoes. Because they are made for someone else but not for you. Look at yourself and see what it is inside and then, find your right shoe size. Believe in you and you will find the right one. Good luck. Xo

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