Don’t Be Down

Esther_Lopez__elmwrites__on_TwitterAs you have could appreciate, the typical scheduling of any of my sites has changed. As the short version of the story let’s say there are so many trolls out there.

I have been thinking about it for so long and I know, in theory, this week must to be shared a “creative post” because that is what routine says but, recently, I have been putting in order some old papers and archives and I have discovered that I have missed answering to a folk. Do you know this strange messages some virtual creatures leave and which I am tired of talking about? Well, somebody left a message like one year ago. On those times I answered copying the text to do not make a screen capture but on the picture, you can see what I answered to this person.

Honestly, I like to entertain people and to make them feel better. If it is possible I like to make them laugh but the attitude of certain people it is crossing the line and this is not the first time they have done that. However, let’s say… in the past, I had more sense of patience and forgiveness for all this kind of absolutism behaviour that I am having right now.

When I was young, I spent my life divided between two towns and it did not matter if I went to school to one and the weekends to other because kids always found a reason to tell me that I had missed something “important”. And that “important” thing that I keep missing my whole life it seems the reason that this kind of people always try to find to fight with other.

However, to miss the “important” puts me always in a neutral position between all the fights. And, without knowing how, people always come to me to tell me their problems, insecurities, fights… I suppose they did because they wanted that I decided to support one side, or because I am good at listening. Fact, which is the real reason which makes any folk very good telling stories (no confuse with lies). To listen more.

The point of this is always the same. It does not matter how old you are or if you had a fight: for a doll, love stories or some songs. Both sides always come to me because they try to put me on their side. It gives me a unique perspective because I can know the two versions of the story that people like to tell but, with time: It is all a matter of maths and time.

Do you want to know how I resolved most of this childish conflicts when I was a kid? I sat on the street and I started to tell a story to one of the both sides of the conflict. The other faction was a few meters not very far from us trying to guess if we were planning and plotting something to “hurt” them. Suddenly, they discovered that we were having an imaginary party travelling to an enchanted house or fighting against pirates. The curiosity won and they came to sit with us and to enjoy the story. Everything was peaceful again until the next week. And not all the weeks, folks wanted to listen to stories. I suppose drugs and self-harm are more easy paths if you do not want to deal with reality. Or, maybe, not all the people have been blessed with this huge monster called imagination.

The thing is, I had the hope these situations would have finished when I stopped to meet that people but the reality is that I have continued growing up, getting wrinkled, and this keeps happening. The last time I had the biggest drama of this kind was when I was living in Los Angeles with a roommate. She had 45 years old and I had the hope she was like some kind of adviser but then, I discovered age does not make people wiser. It is hard when so many people come to you always demanding your time and patience and you never have someone with who you can discharge.

It is weird because I was nobody but I created the series Worldless on those times and I was trying to pitch it, which, if you have never tried, it is not easy. A lot of people: do not want to listen, other simply see where you come from and think that you only want to have a Green Card to later to do not work, others simply tell you “without sex with me you are not going to have anything”, others tell you that you are crazy and others make you believe you are really crazy.

I am going to quote Michael Cain in his role on Alfred in The Dark Knight. He is talking with Bruce about a criminal who cannot be identified and who was creating chaos on the streets of Gotham. Then, Alfred tells a story of his past to Bruce about when he was a soldier. He told him they were for days running after a thief and they could not find him. Finally, they found a kid playing with a gem of the size of an orange. The thief was throwing away all the loot because he only wanted to create chaos. Because some people only live for creating chaos and that is the only reason of why they do the things they do.

On that early times of the series I caused fascination in a lot of people who came back to me: asking for jobs, roles or why not? Personalised characters created only for them. It seemed I had to hire all of them. Everybody wants a piece of you and you do not even receive a Christmas Card or a Happy Birthday. You do not know how but you keep going and going. Until the point in which you are feeding yourself with only a bowl of lentils at day because LA is expensive and people can make you believe a lot of things.

However, the quick increase of followers in Worldless not only fascinated people, it also scared some folks. I was reading the communication feeds and things like: “What do you think, that you are going to still my whole fanbase?” Where constantly repeating.

I am a person with simple needs. I only need peace, some food and to can create my stories and crazy worlds which are quite childish but I like to be so silly and immature like Peter Pan or Alice in Wonderland stories. Maybe, the fault is of Disney, after all. Or of Lucas with Willow and the Ewoks. They were the first people who showed me magic and monsters to feed my imagination.

My first film watched in a theatre was Jurassic Park. I went with my uncle and my cousin and it was like: “Wow”. I was collecting dinosaurs and learning about them for years. All for that film. Even when my family told me dinosaurs are not for girls. I started to explain to them the difference between a velociraptor and an Oviraptor or a Diplodocus and a Brachiosaurus. They looked at me like: “Ok, she loves biology.” The next thing I asked for a toy was a Mecano, which you do not know what it is because it probably has another name in your country. It is a box: full of metal pieces with holes, screws, bolts, engines… And you build things with the pieces that later work or move: a car, a helicopter… I spent hours my weekends between the Mecano and the dinosaurs and do you know why? To do not go to the street and to have to listen to more complaints, wars or to be the therapist of a bunch of spoiled kids who do not even know how to prepare a sandwich or who did not have any sense of how to be responsible. But, after, I was the weird.

Disgracefully, I have seen how people cut their skin with the excuse of the “ginger spice” left the Spice Girls. This was before the virtual madness about to “share” everything so I perfectly understand that now people do it or want to do it and they need to share it as if it would be the saddest party on the whole planet and nothing else would matter except them. Because to some kind of people (depressed or not) the world only spins around them and they do not have in consideration nobody else.

Do you want to know what at my teens I decided I wanted to be a filmmaker, even if I did not know how to do it? Because I grow up with Spielberg and Lucas. They made feel that I was not the only one with this crazy mind which creates fantasies that they do not really exist. They were the only ones with made me feel better with their stories and I thought that I wanted to make people feel the same way those filmmakers made me feel to me. Because if people were already looking after me to listen to my stories why not to tell them to more people and not only for a few depressed kids? Years later, it showed up on television: first, a girl called Felicity and after Sidney Bristow. The guy who created that also got me. I kept without to know how I would do it but I had to do it. I had to tell my stories and to work with those guys and I did not care if they had the money or we were going to need to rob a bank but, please, if we have to rob a bank, let’s do it Sidney Bristow style and you could be Ethan Hunt.

The problem with the people who feel like Sisyphus is they are focused on their own rock and they do not see all the landscape around them. Sometimes, they are only carrying a small pebble if we compare it with the bargains other people around the world is carrying and who are not constantly complaining about it.

Those people are so focused on themselves and their own problems that the first instinct they have is that people only go to them to put them more weight on them. When, in fact, what they are doing is bouncing the stone to one side to other and killing all the biodiversity which wants to grow around them. Or which simply approach for curiosity listening to the noise the boulder makes each time it moves.

You are agents of chaos and you only generate madness around you. You think that madness will give you some kind of satisfaction, justice or sales but the truth is madness only attracts sickness and death.

It is curious if you think about it. At the beginning when I was in LA passing all my stuff and trying to deal with all the attacks against my series and myself some people thought that I was insane but when they started to know a bit more. In special, when they started to know to who I was pitching. Suddenly, these attacks changed and they became my “best friends”. They even fall in love with me just because I published a story about a Chinese Princess called The Dragon Tears. So I do not want to know what would happen if one day I publish a book saga I created in college about a Phoenix and a Dragon. Yes, folks, it is sad to reveal the truth. Some stories come before certain accidents happened. You are not the centre of the world.

However, those “good wishes” about I wish you to have thousands of retweets and stupid things like that. To people like me are like curses. We do not like that. If we are online it is because we have some PR or marketing work to do and, by the way, we do it without creating all chaos and insanity that you do. Or, do you think the last time when I had to delete everything I did not know who was behind and why was this happening?

To my surprise, getting out of the board was not enough and people like YOU found a way to hack my e-mails, to supplant my identity and to say that my past projects were yours. What a lovely people are out there.

This kind of people, folks, they do not have a middle term or you must be feeding them constantly or they go against you. When you stop to feed them, they get angry and they look for a bunch of strange reasons and interpretations about why people do not feed them anymore. They see everything in metaphors and in double meanings and senses because it is how they communicate but they are never brave enough to practice a direct communication to anybody. Later, they start to spread out there rumours about “girlfriends”, “love relationships” and all kind of fooleries when, in fact, they do not even have the decency to try to meet that girl in person. And, it was not because they did not have opportunities. It was because they were so many excuses and none of them serious business related.

After all of this madness and chaos that this kind of people create if it was not enough with to have to read their “messages” or the “messages” of their mad dogs. Or to have to read that my talent and creativity it was not mine it was from them and to their assistant with who I share initials. Later, as dessert, I had to read that I was not creative until they entered in my life and thanks to them I was creating all my stuff. Not enough with those things, they said the kind of things with you can read below… like this is happening for four years on this schedule:
– Monday: “I love you.”
– Tuesday: “You are important for me.”
– Wednesday: “I am not sure about your love or who has the fault.”
– Thursday: “I hate you.”
– Friday: “You are F* B* or W*.”
– Saturday: “What do you think you are doing? You are the most pathetic creature in the world.”
– Sunday: “I must put in order my brain.”

This, ladies and gentleman, is like the film The Edge of Tomorrow. You know: Life. Die. Repeat. One day, I discovered this kind of “technique” to treat women it comes from a book; because it seems girls like me need to be tamed but also they added: “Or you are mine or you won’t belong to nobody”. And this includes all kind of “Techniques”: like to go to others to tell them “curious things” or why not, spread out there that I am a materialist and that I am crazy. In special, I am crazy for YOU. My apologies, folk, if my stories have melted your circuits but you have never been my type of man at all.

Last time this happened, it was some sort of confusion on a web page in which I do not comment. It seemed somebody was supplanting my identity and it was a lot of miscommunication. Somebody spread the rumour I was lesbian and the same folk of: “You are mine or you won’t belong to nobody.” Got mad thinking that I was “cheating” him all this time. I have homosexual pals, transsexual too. I respect their choice and their freedom. So, I cannot stand people who acted in that disrespectful way as you did. Now, it seems the situation is similar but with jealousy for “another lover”. Honestly, I find this kind of things so pathetic that I can only think in to keep in my own world.

I said this long ago: “You are my nemesis”. You are all the opposite of how I am and you do not know anything at all. There is a huge difference between people like you or the ones which came to school with me and finished with drugs or self-harm. People like you never regret of what you do. You do not regret of anything and to me, that is terribly wrong. Maybe I am very stupid and I regret so many things which, maybe I do not have the fault of them, but I regret because and action has a consequence and I regret of the consequence that the action has created. I must learn of that but without regret, there is no forgiveness. So, how people like you expect people accept you and forgive you if you are always preaching that you never regret your acts?

When I was working as an intern in a production company I requested the job of editor assistant. When I went to the interview they saw me, I talked with them and everything was great. Weeks later I received a call from them telling me I got the job but when I went the first day they told me that they had changed and, despite I was going to be editor assistant, they had filled that position and they needed a production assistant. I told them that I did not want that. That I was leaving. They needed me because they waited until the last moment to tell me that and it was not the time to look for other to fill the position. They asked me what I wanted and I said director assistant.

I got the job but I was more a runner than an “assistant”. To be exact I was a “trophy wife” and I know this word has certain bad connotations but I have not found a better translation for what I want to express. I mean: a girl who is only treated as a trophy because is beautiful and she goes here and there but without the option of to show her intellect.

They gave me a drawer, only to me, where they put the tasks I had to do. They had musical licenses to fill since March. It was July, they made weekly shows around 30 minutes and each 30 seconds, approximately, they changed the song, for to do not pay so much in licensing. But when the team did not use the cheap songs from the library and they used last hits they falsified the papers: to save money. Do not be alarmed in Spain everybody does it even for to take public subsidies or grants. Those things about ethics…

I finished my paperwork in less than two weeks and the producer was rushed off with me because I was constantly asking: “What else you need?” So they put me as a runner too. To put in order all the CD’s, to make physical copies of the show, to go here and there… And I kept going. One day, they let me go out with the filming team. It was a hot afternoon and, as soon we arrived at the location, the camera and the journalist left the gear to one side they told me to keep an eye on it and they went to a bar. They were for 45 minutes on there and, in the meanwhile, I put the camera on the place and I prepared everything to be ready for to film. When that two came back they got surprised and they told me I had not to do that because maybe I did it wrong. I said: “Check it”. It was not wrong. I could continue with this but I think it is enough.

Some people have the bad eye to see girls only as objects, “possible wives”, partners… They only can think in the terms: we, women, are doing the things that we do because we want something of them, or we are insane, or “in love”… Some girls only want to show up to the world that we are something else than a pretty face and that we can make tremble anything just with a thought of our brain. We are better, maybe not in everything, but in a lot of things than a lot of people out there. And, simply, for the fact of to be a woman certain people do not give to us the respect and recognition that we deserve.

People, who creates chaos and madness with their “techniques” of miscommunication and elevating that insanity around them, love to use those kind of women as shields, arguing: we are not intelligent, we only look for fame or love, we do not have talent at all, we are fake, or creations and in reality we belong them… If you ask me about what I know and what I can do you will always have the same answer: “nothing”. Although if you ask me about why I regret. I really have an answer: “To have sent YOU messages to help you in your: business, sales, edition of your music videos or to sing on an appropriate tune… even when I knew you were not going to help me in anything.” By the way, the thing about to take pictures to the sky and to the clouds it is one of my wild crazy ideas. If certain symbols showed up it does not give you permission to take those symbols as yours and to make merchandise with them. I know there is not a legal way to copyright the clouds but my stories are copyrighted. If I shared some for free it is my will, not yours. But what I am saying… You cannot even create a decent character to make the mad chats in your page with your bro and pals. You need to copy from this one, from that other one and later say it was not you. So sad… And only to what? To create more modern Cassandra’s myths? That will make you a drug dealer but not rich buddy. Have these words always present.

I am going to keep this open but I am not going to publish with the frequency I did before, even less creating a routine. I am going to keep publishing because some people need a voice and some people need help. And, as I said in a tweet, everybody needs a teacher and everybody needs to learn. I am here, open, to any kind of direct communication with serious requests.

A Jedi never uses her power to attack, only for defending herself. If some people feel attacked check your communications or look inside yourself. Maybe you are hidden things which you must meditate and regret. As I said, some people do not have anymore my help. LLAP