On previous chapters… Wait, what are you waiting? A video? Just click on the link. You have so much to read.
However, before to start this second part I must to show my respect and affection to Tom Felton and his lovely and gorgeous girl: Jade, right? Sorry, I am a disaster for this things.
Look, you have really inspired me with that “Superfan” thing but I cannot use the same pictures for this text again. It is not that they are not cool. They actually are. It is just… You have not filmed the second part. I cannot help you to promo something you have not done yet! Although, you need a second part because you forgot something in your past documentary. Yes, you did. Do not look with a poker face. You know what I am talking. You completely forgot about some fans. Those people divided the whole world into two teams and you have not even mentioned them. So make a second part: the Galaxy will be with you kid. And… “Sorry, Tom Felton” for all the mess which has caused to use your pics.
I know all of you are wondering about which fanbase is this one which was not mentioned. Obviously, that one which was fighting about “Team Edward” or “Team Jacob”. Are not you getting it yet? Well, let me tell you the story of: “How my friends cheated me to watch Twilight.” That… was a very dirty trick.
First, let me remember you that I do not like to know about the last trends. I told you: “I am a mess”. So, the whole world was splitting in two and… I do not remember in what I was thinking but I did not know anything about Twilight. Probably I would be busier in archaeology or Yore matters.
Suddenly, one of my pals called me. She scolded me because I never went out and all that stuff… and she told me she was thinking to go to watch a film with other pals and later, to dinner out in a restaurant and to talk about the film. I am weird. So, I asked what were we going to watch. She said I would love the movie because it was about vampires: “It is like that film with some of your favourite actors: Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt. You’ll love it girl. It does not have so much scary things but it is that kind of gothic-like with very good actors.” I accepted, she even bought the tickets online because it was the premiere and… Do you know all this excitement some films awake on people? Yeah, that thing…
So, I went to the date. She gave me my ticket, I paid her back and we wait. My two pals were extremely excited talking about this and about that… Do you know this kind of conversations which happen so fast that make you feel dizzy? It was that kind of one… Meanwhile, I was looking for the kind of “balcony” where we were waiting without knowing what they were talking but observing more people were approaching to wait in line. We went inside the corridor of these big cinemas with several theatres and I started to worry because, omitting some mothers who were there as guardians, the rest of the audience which was waiting with us were teens: the kind of young spoiled ones. I remember I asked my pals: “Are you sure are we on the correct line?” “Yes, yes, yes. Do not worry. It’s just you. You’ve never on the last trends.” “Alright.”
We came inside and we sat. The theatre was full. The lights turned off and the film started. It just showed up the credits and some high-pitched screams of excitement crowded the room. Do not worry I am not going to spoil you the film. Let’s just say that if the screams were not weird enough. It was even weirder when moments before Robert Pattison showed up. People (including my pals) started to get out of their pockets their cell phones waiting for his first scene to take a picture of him on the screen. I think the whole audience did it except me.
Suddenly, my memories and my most scary feelings came back to me as a wave flooding every single thought on my mind. I kept the control and I touched my pal’s shoulder and I asked her: “Is he Cedric Diggory?” When she said: “Yes”. I was like: “It can’t be possible…”
I survived to the film and my friends were right. It was bloody scary and not for what happened on the screen if not for what happened on the audience seats: the excitement screams, people screaming “I think I’m going to faint” in certain scenes, people taking pictures of the screen and… people reciting, exactly, the same words the actor was going to say seconds before he/she did it. Definitely, to do not happen so much in that film it was the scariest experience with the exception of the Harry Potter event.
Not happy with that, we went to dinner and to talk about the film. My pals just spoiled me the whole book saga in just minutes and that… about Robert… Sorry, I do not get it. They started to talk about how tall he should be and body… But, you know what happens with people? They tend to exaggerate. She just raised her arm to say how tall but it was like… 2 meters? So, I talked, and I said he is not so tall at all. They opened their eyes so much. I thought my friends were going to have some kind of shock: “HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?!!” I look for refuge on my french fries and I mentioned THAT Harry Potter premiere. Thanks, Lord, some of the other girls who travelled with me to that madness have told to these other girls the story but you can guess what happened next. “Tell me. Tell me more. What happened?” And I was like… “Actually, it does not happen so much: they just walk and people scream…” “Yes, yes, but is he so handsome?” “Well… I can say he is not so shimmery…”
And that’s it. Really… I do not know how I use to find myself in the middle of these weird situations and conversations. But, I am really getting scared of certain people. I mean, those folks said to me that “I was weird and ‘changing’” because I said “No” to go to watch another blockbuster and I preferred to go on my own to watch a Woody Allen film. See? It is me who has the problem because those pals also came to college with me!
However, let me tell you when my “phobias” to certain people started. It is a Rocky Horror Show story…
Everything started a sunny September afternoon: first day of college. You just go to the wrong building and you met another guy with the same problem. You two discover you go to the same class. You go late and you just flee to one side to other until you find the right class. Great! You made it! It happens…
It was only a presentation class: an introduction to what was going to wait for us in five years of studies. The professor warned us: “This is Communication and we are here to talk and to work in squads.” But that part about to talk and the teamwork…
Look, I do not really know how it was the world when only a few had access to a Super 8 camera but, on my times, everybody was fighting to see who knew more than the other: “Because I have THAT camera”, “Because I am filming since I was a teen”, “Because I have studied in the best schools of art and I am working years on this…” There are so many egos fighting and colliding. I came from the music school watching that 10 years of my life and I knew how it was going to end. You cannot put two rockstars in the same room. The heat they create makes supernovas. Everything explodes in messy ways creating a black hole which only devours everything. The problem was that if we were 36 in our class, they were 25 rockstars.
They were several squads which were created, basically, for the kind of clothes we wore. There was one squad who ruled that men’s style about to wear the jeans bellow the bottoms. I am not sure how they did that but it was quite distracting. In special, because the same folk who was lost with me the first day he had the same surname that I have and, on exams, they sat us closer. He used to stand up like thousands of times to get more paper to write and he always wore white undies with BIG red hearts on it. It was impossible to do not look at it. Anyway, he was not in my squad.
The Rockstar we had in my squad was a big pain in the rear parts. Imagine how was his character that the rest of the squad put me in a teamwork with him because the others could not stand him and I was the most social neutral and pacifist. Do you know what is to have to work with a folk who only agrees in to do the things as he wants and as he says because he is the “real” genius and not the rest? And you cannot run away. You must work with him: yes or yes.
He used to be very “funny” with that classic pun about to have a: “Merry and Pippin Christmas”. He was deeply affected by the LOTR films and I think he stills making videos on YouTube. He is YouTuber and he wins money with it. I am very glad for him. His genialities included from an interview television show (we recorded it) called: “Tengo una Sepia en la Nevera.” about a mad scientist who tried to revive a creature, like that film of Santiago Segura… Until a short film called “El Naranjal” (where a guy with a huge orange shape mask and only two expressions: happy and angry, protected an orange orchard with a chainsaw. Like in that bloody film with a man, a chainsaw, girl screaming and Texas) which we filmed but he was not satisfied with the work of nobody in his squad. He scolded us and he complained of all of us. He got the footage and I am not sure what he did with that.
With time you start to know better those people with whom you are studying and working. You go to the HP Premier, you start to watch Lost and you go to dinner or you prepare trips with them. So many memories you can get… Then, you start to see the true face of those people. You see some of them need pills and others really scare you when they are drunk. You discover people does not understand the difference between: “We have to work and to give our best” and “Now that we have finished we can enjoy some beers and to get drunk if you want”. No, people do not know about that at all.
When we were in our second year, we had to make a commercial with kids in a school class. I was a producer and like the whole cast made him feel upset. They were “disturbing him and the crew”. I took the kids out to the schoolyard and I was playing: “entertaining the cast” all the time. Then, they got tired and I started to tell them my crazy tales and I remember how a shy girl was worried holding my arm. A teacher came to check what we were doing and when she saw it she just went back to her class. I do not know how were the things on set. What I know is kids did not want to go to film. And the ones who had been already filming did not want to come back to set. Arrived the time, we ordered pizzas and I fed the hungry kids. I had to scold the members of the crew who tried to eat those pizzas which were not for them. I did not taste them either and we finished having lunch at 5 p.m. After, I had to hear that I had not done anything on the whole day: just play with the kids, tell stupid stories but nothing on set. It is okay. I did not protest for that or for a bunch of more things. I just kept them to myself but when some of these “rockstars” had an emotional issue, guess to who they addressed to talk? I listened to them except to the “genius” guy because he always said: “It did not happen anything.”
Later, the same members of the squad did not have the same version. It seemed he was not “open” to tell me certain things because “I was made of a different wood and it seemed I was not affected by anything.” That hurt me and if I was letting pass all his irrational attacks, ignoring everything, then, I paid heed to him. I put on my place and I did not let him pass a single stupid thing which was not clearly justified. Those things about to change screenplays or camera shots in the last minute when we were losing time with his decisions were over.
In less than two months the version that I heard, from the rest of the squad and NEVER from him, it was that I was in love with him and I had a problem because I did not want to recognise it. I ignored it but inside me, I was preparing a rope to let him hang himself. The next year we needed to join to several squads to make a bigger team. He put all the others against me saying how evil, emotionless and diva I was. I ignored it and I let the other squads know me. However, in the meanwhile, I had to direct a television show. It was a television kind debate/talk show about films. I let the talkers chose the film and they chose the Rocky Horror Picture Show. I accepted but I had to watch the film because I did not.
Have in mind we were studying in a Catholic College, to that and the fact the crew was against me. They simply did not follow my orders. They changed a few minutes ago the typography and put a different coloured text for each one. The set designer changed the set leaving it without to finish. The sound technician decided to add unexpected sound effects… Note: I was not the only one who these “lovely” people made this “joke”. The fault and responsibility are just mine because I did not know how to direct my crew but it is what people used to do, even knowing the academic records would affect to all of them.
We had a guy in our crew who wanted to become a woman and who felt very misunderstood. I can say when he was dressed as a woman his legs were prettier than mine. I can tell nothing about her in the present because the last thing I knew is he changed his sex. So, if the other day I watched an Omaze video and I did not recognise Simon Pegg with his glasses. Imagine with that pal… I am a disaster and I recognise it but I do not hate people. So, I did not understand the rumour about I hated transsexuals and gays. I let it go again.
The folk who was creating all the mess at my back managed to date “in secret” one of the girls from my squad. Then, it arrived the last part of the same year and people started to notice that it was something wrong but not at my side. Next year, I had to work with him too but less than in other years it was like that song of Kelly Clarkson: “Since U Been Gone.” To the projects in which we needed to work together I let him choose his job roles but he did not want to be at my side: because “I’m BAD” and I am very direct saying the things. In another hand, he needed to have the girl, “who was dating in secret because if not we were going to mess with their ideal relationship”, ALWAYS at his side. In minor roles, of course, any girl cannot be greater than him. And… well, they finished pretty bad when she started to get tired of being her maid and later, to do not receive any reward. I mean, you guys, are the ones who think more often in sex. If you are treating somebody as a mop or a doll (“show up in my video, do this, jump…”) do not think sex is a “reward” because it is a “reward” for the manipulative person and not for the one who feels under control.
However, do you want to know what annoyed me more of these people who were always on the reason for everything and who had all the talent? That they were always looking for secret meanings in everything.
I can understand a person like my father who thinks: “books are useless” or when we pass for a highway where it crosses the new speed train line he says: “what a waste of money on this because it never passes trains.” When, he has passed a brief moment for that road in several months; obviously, only an absurd mind like mine could think that maybe, if you were waiting at the train station the whole day you could arrive at that conclusion but not in another way. That when you had passed with the car near and it had not passed trains at that moment does not mean not any train passes on that new train line. But hey, I am the one who thinks weird around here and not the rest who know more about economy and trains than no one.
Well, I understand people like this one could look for secret meanings on television shows, films… But I cannot understand it on people who have studied filmmaking. I mean, one thing is that you let yourself get involved in the story but you know it is a McGuffin and the writers and producers are trying to manipulate you and to manipulate your feelings. I thought that was clear but it seems it is not. I am only going to make a rhetoric question to see if you get it: “Where the polar bears come from and which is the meaning of the numbers?” Yeah, two questions in one, my bad… Anyway, it was obvious: “Play to those lottery numbers,” but do not get on that plane.
A professor once told me: “For each ten people you will meet: nine won’t be able to front reality. They will look for excuses or addictions to try to find a ‘sense’ of reality. Eight will develop a mental problem. Only two will be correctly diagnosed.” All of this was before that fabulous invent called social networks. I am not sure about that numeral reports now, dear professor.
Not sure why… I suppose it is my naive side which wants to believe everybody is a nice person inside. I think maybe in a very deep corner of their hearts and minds it must be something good in them. Then, you discover that the only one who is always right, in everything, is Shakespeare: “God has given you a face, and you make yourself another.”
Years pass, and I started to notice that all that childish and harming behaviours which happened at my back still happen with a major interest but on the social networks; all of this between my old mates and contacts. They got stupid fights with the “interpretations” and “secret meanings” simply because somebody posted a movie quote. But, I am an otter and troubles find me just as it happens with Jedis.
I have been for years making the job of an online therapist. Some asked me: “What should I study philology or history?” Well, it depends on what you want to be folk. Although, if I had bad luck with troubles I have even more bad luck with rockstars. Seriously, I must have a special magnetism for that, in special for drummers. All of you, folks, play the drums or is it just a hobby? So many musicians, actually. It is quite insane if I think about it. For that reason, I do not think about it.
Do you know what I do not like of “rockstars”? Most of them tend to feel attacked by others easily. I mean, music is subjective. I like Tchaikovsky but for that reason, it does not mean the work of others is not good. I could be more or less agree if I like that work or not. It can make me feel more or less but it does not mean it is not good. That’s my weird way to see the things. However, it is easy to see in music magazines how one band disrespects the other… Maybe a singer… And I am like: “Oh dear, 10 years of this plus 5+1+5 of this… You know? I had so much of this troubles. Just make your stuff and let me out of it.” But it never happens. They always come back. ALWAYS… I should really open a therapist office. Really, I am thinking about it.
I do not like to have conclusions about other people even more if those conclusions are based on what others tell about that person. On my own experience, I know people lie and they can make believe the whole world a bad opinion about others. I like to think the best is inside of everyone but some people just caused so much harm that I cannot even think in to be a few meters close to them. Even less to talk.
Some people like to tell all the dramas of their childhoods. We all have, but some of us do not go around there making believe others lies, even less, we have an intention to play with other minds.
Do you know how it feels being a woman? No, you do not. You will never know how denigrating is when somebody in Turkey asks your mother: “How much do you want for your daughter?” He wanted to change me for jewels. The sad is this happens each day across the globe.
You do not have to hear that you are eating so much or, expending so much when you are only eating one or two meals at day. Because of certain “materialist and selfish people” as people like you, love to call women like me those things. When, in fact, we are almost sacrificing everything to give to others what we cannot have.
Most men do not even know how to fry an egg because WE, women, are the ones who must clean, cook and to please the MEN in everything. If not, you get upset and you, MEN, start to scream in a neurotic attack of fury saying: “Girls must be tamed,” and with that excuse, you will use any method you know: hit, sadomasochism as a sexual domination technique or mental games. And everything because certain MEN are obsessed with control and they cannot accept rejection or somebody will tell them NO.
This kind of people do not have to hear, each day or their lives, how useless people like me are or if you have won something phrases like: “And which is the price, toothpaste?” And do you know why this kind of people does not have to hear these things? Because they are the ones who say the things and who bully the other people who they think they are weaker than them.
Everything started around the middle of November when a naive girl, like me, from a country which does not have very consideration for women in power, created a television series and she was hungry for to get a job as CREW in any film company. Inspired by the marketing campaign of LOST, I thought: “Why cannot I do the same to pitch my project?” The problem is, in Hollywood, nobody answers and you are hungry for a job.
By accident, I found some independent band which needed some help in a music video. I knew they were not going to hire me but maybe, we could help one to each other. I was quite naive… Casualty or not, that music video is the only one without credits but… it is fine. After the confusion and the stupid trick in which the director is not a real person and, in fact, he is the singer what else could I expect.
However, the comments on certain web page intrigued me. They awoke my curiosity because they started to show cues that I shared on my private emails. It did not matter if I sent to them: some work, some sale tricks for merchandising or personal information. They said they need to know the true person before to hire someone. Now you know the person and after all, what I have seen I do not want to be on your side anymore. It is not for what other people tell me about you and that “I am making a wrong opinion about your persona”. It is that I have seen and received so many things and when I said that I did not want to be on your side anymore, around two years ago, you hacked everything, making me believe that I was insane and the world was against me. You went one by one of my contacts, using malware and playing dirty tricks. To what? To later to have to read how do you have a jealousy attack and you say atrocities of OC? He is more polite and he dresses much better than you. It is not necessary you criticise him.
I had to stop to pitch my projects because I was not sure of anything. You wrote all kind of lies about me and you sent your “lovers” against me saying it was not you who created the mess that they were, or I was. It did not matter how many times I said let me out of this. You always found an excuse or a new lie to justify your acts and, meanwhile, I was not the only one who was doubting about my mental health.
Do you know how many people have tried to suicide for those games you practised in your site? The hide and seek in your sandbox as you like to call it? They came to me, telling me their versions about what you made to them. Some even told me the sex experiences you had with them. Not on adult age by the way. And, of course, you cannot be sure who is lying and who is not inside your sick game but I have always found very appropriate that when somebody published the truth on the comments of that sick place, that chain of comments disappeared. I think that was the reason a German fan started to keep the record of every single word published on there. Some of your fans even planned some kind of “murder” plot. Do you know that? And do you know about the one who wants to demand you? Yeah… you have made a lot of “friends” with that obsession of to play several online characters, to steal identities and later, to let people minds try to fit the gaps and to guess with who they are playing. I have heard rumours you have started again to do the same but, this time, not with current people… What a coincidence that you heard my advice and when you were nominated for all that awards and glory you closed the comment section of your page? You even participated in an anti-bulling campaign saying how much regret you had about things you did. To later what? To open it again? Is that you are really trying to give a new opportunity to let express to certain fans? Honestly, I do not think so. I think you are trying to keep us on the hot pan to see how our brains are cooked.
The trick of: “I love you so much. Please, stay.” Stopped to work when, in Paris, I assisted to your concert and you later say I was not there: getting upset and mad. This kind of things like the middle finger one that you use to make online. And just because I did not pay the expensive ticket to meet you in person… but I found the lock on Le Pont de les Arts: “Three days to Esther”. I was not the only one who found it and it started a hunting to see who was Esther. That is love, isn’t? And for that reason, you did not show up, in any place. Because it was a hide and seek game about to find the “secret meanings” but, in another hand, there was a guy following me all the time: hiding here and there. He did not make me feel safe at all, in case you did not have it clear.
What I have never expected is all that madness that at some point it started on your page about the Joker and Harley became true. I mean, I was watching the show: studying the weaker points because you scared me and you hurt me and you have heard the story before what I use to do: to pay heed.
The “lovely” thing was when I started to see you online portrayed as the new Indiana Jones, a few years ago. Did not you have enough saying Worldless and all my tales were yours?
I decided to make a communications blackout and to suffer whatever else you were hiding on your sleeve. It was curious. It still is. When I publish certain things there is an immediate answer. In special, when they are love declarations. When the fun part of this virtual insanity and any PR or publicist will confirm you: “We play with the scheduled posts and the ‘live’ ones”. The first rule is to never let know to the audience when you are home. I said, “fun” because folks always answer to my scheduled stuff and not to the ‘live’ one. Do you know that scene in The Wolf of Wall Street in which Margot Robbie wears a sexy pink dress and she is the one who “puts in control” the drug and sex addict Leo DiCaprio? You have been very, very, very bad.
And, I know this text is going to awaken in you a fury attack. You are going to try to destroy me and to try to make me feel like if I am crazy… For I don’t know… The 10K time. Do you know what I am going to do? The same I did with the other guy: nothing.
As you liked to comment: “People who are starving themselves they have mental problems or they are trying to look for a quick path to the Enlightenment”. I am going to show, with a great wide open transparency policy, my better light and who I am. Not who you say I am. I am going to let the world will think of me what they want even if that means to do not produce any film on Hollywood. And I am going to let you play your game. You can keep saying all the lies that you want but I will not comment and I WILL NOT in any of your domains. In fact, the last time I did was around two years ago and I did it perfectly identifying myself.
If you are wise you will step away and you will let me alone for once. If not, I recommend you to do not put on my path again because I am not going to do anything. Seriously, I am not. It will be you who will do all the bad things to yourself. That story about the tragic death of your father… It was very, very sad.
I know it is your word, again, against mine and all the odds are not on my side but if I keep with your “game” I am not really showing who I really am. With this, I close this kind of themes for once. I do not care what certain people do with their lives. So, I expect, people do not care what I do with my life.
Now, to other talented people which had to suffer the attacks of jealousy of some folks obsessed with the “hide and seek”. My most deeply apologises for the struggles and communication mistakes that this pathetic situation could have caused you. It is not in my hand the will of others. When I noticed it, it was a bit late and the communication misunderstood was huge. I am sorry but as a way to protect myself I tend to keep away from certain things as much as I can and I hope you respect that. That includes so many people in the industry.
Once, when I said: “I feel like Tom Felton” because there is a woman always keeping an eye on him. I suppose most of you had fun at me. I hope you enjoyed the laughs is all that I can say about it.
Actually, it was weird because I was in London and I neither felt safe walking on the streets. I like London because it is the last place on Earth on I think it stills living gentlemen. You cannot imagine which kind of fight with drunks it had one of this bicycle taxis guy to help me to arrive safely to my place. I gave to him an extra tip just for that. Imagine how I felt that I booked the trip to Hogwarts but, the same day, meanwhile I was walking around, at a certain point of the walk, I had the same sensation that something around was going wrong. So I picked up a newspaper and I took refuge at the Hilton to read. And there was the Harry Potter kid saying he had made a documentary about this precisely. It was going to be broadcast that night: the same day I was going to Hogwarts. I use to say the Force works in mysterious ways. Thank you for that point of view, kid.
Honestly, after all of this adventures and all this stuff, I am scared to meet people because now, I know that if they have a company or an agent it does not mean they are “good”. My life will be easier simply with to can live independently on a place (NO MORE CRAZY ROOMMATES or neurotic family), to write and to give that stuff to the best people in the world to let them make something amazing with it. I know I will miss the stage and to work as crew but I cannot direct anymore, at least for some time. It is not that people like me do not want to sign our work or to say the things we have done or we can do. It is we have attracted to our light so many parasites which have sucked so much of people like me and, even, if we try to make good, we do not feel strong enough to do it.
Well, to the ones who want to start an adventure on filmmaking and to try to be respected of people who you do not know. I can only tell you: patience, meditation and serenity are your best allies. You are going to need a lot of that but, above all, do not make the same mistake I did. Do not trust so blindly to the first guy with an agent and some released stuff. Everybody wears a mask. As Shakespeare said: “Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none.” Keep with that. It is a very good advice.
LAST NOTE (25th July): This text was written 18th July corrected next day and scheduled on 20th July, as most of the posts of this past week have been. I helped those “independent folks” for free only in exchange of to help me to get respect inside the industry. The only that I asked on this time it was a handwritten note saying thank you or to invite me to a cup of coffee or tea to talk about all this “fan madness”. YOU “creators of chaos” broke the deal with your cynicism the day in which you started: to portrait me as a loon, to say bad things about me and my reputation, to make people believe my work was yours: including this website (the older one too or Worldless), my stories and my series. Without to exclude the games that you liked to play with your audience and which I have always considered immoral and unethical. I have scolded these folks so many times about their behaviour but they only heard it when it arrived the time of the nominations and awards. I have also learnt, recently, that my cupcake gift was not liked it. For this reason, you did not say: “thank you.” You said pretty bad things in fact… I suppose your tastes are of a different kind in gift matters… That story about you only dated your past girlfriends for interests and sometimes you did not really know why you did that when I was, clearly, the love of your life let me really see who you really are. So keep your own way. Now that you are watching who REALLY sent to me thank you notes, like he is a big fish, do not try to clean your image from one side towards me when at my back you still playing with your madness. No more threats will be accepted and I will severely punish any harming threat towards my persona. Your problem is simple: “You have never listened to your audience”. It was me who was doing that all this time. Goodbye stalker.