Kitchen School: All You Need to Know about Tomatoes

The villains. Picture courtesy Attack of the Killer Tomatoes by NAI Entertainment.

The villains. Picture courtesy Attack of the Killer Tomatoes by NAI Entertainment.

Welcome to a new Kitchen School special edition about: (creepy voice) tomatoes… Because I am sure you do not know but tomatoes are creepy. Have you ever had nightmares with tomatoes? Of course not, you have never been on a stage and people have thrown to you that fruits… People have not attacked me neither with that fake veggie but I have received so many threats about it, when I was in the Music School, that I had nightmares with tomatoes…

Anyway, it seems a lot of folks who are discovering the fabulous kitchen world have certain doubts about tomatoes so I am here to do my best and to resolve them.

First, do not call tomato a veggie because it will be offended. Mr. Tomato is a fruit, other thing it is that we cook it as a vegetable, but it is a fruit.

You can prepare infinity of dishes using tomatoes. They basically fit in any recipe: sweet or salty. If you have never tasted tomato marmalade you have wasted part of your life with trivial things which do not really matter. Seriously, tomato jam it is better partner to the crispy peanut butter sandwiches than other preserves. And if you add to this combination a strong coffee… Oh, dear, that is heaven…

However, tomatoes are not only the main ingredient of ketchup. What have you thought: that ketchup bottles really grow up on trees? (sights) Seriously…

What you should really know about tomatoes is that they have acid which it is great to make a face tomato scrub which will brighten your skin BUT that acid can interact with other kitchen elements like metals. In special, aluminum. This is the main reason why when you buy canned tomatoes they taste quite bitter than if you use fresh ones. It is because its acid makes this fruit good to be preserved but it also creates a chemical reaction with the metal of the can. Making the stuff inside more alkaline which has a bitter taste.

I do not know what else I can tell you about Solanum lycopersicum… That they are amazing in pasta and pizza… That they are the main ingredient of the Bloody Mary and, of course, of the Tomato Juice… WHAT ELSE DO YOU NEED TO KNOW???!!!

Yes, George Clooney was on this film. I do not know who is the other guy.

Yes, George Clooney was on this film. I do not know who is the other guy. Picture courtesy Attack of the Killer Tomatoes by NAI Entertainment.

And all of this, has started because somebody has insisted in to ask about tomatoes A LOT…! So, yes, I have done your homework and now I know what you were looking for about tomatoes… I know what they mean… I am not going to look again to a tomato to the same way I did before… However, better I copy and paste what I have found:

“Tomatoes were called Love Apples when they were first introduced into Europe from the New World and were used to solicit romantic attention. Europeans also placed them on windowsills to repel negative energies. It seems that nobody thought of cooking with tomatoes until the nineteenth century, and today, the once lowly tomato is the basic ingredient of many sauces, soups, and salads worldwide.” source

“Love Apples” of course, of course. Everything is about LOVE. So, if I throw a tomato in your face it is not that I hate you it is that I love you so much that I am just thinking in to make you a tomato face scrub for free. No, offense dear. It is the deep way to express deep love in our days.

Anyway, here you have the tomato face scrub recipe, just in case… And yes, your welcome…

The Vessel


Today‘s post it is not going to have beautiful pictures or funny things. Today, I do not pretend to entertain if not to see if people can think a bit.

As I said past days ago on my Twitter feed, you can imagine the voice of Cate Blanchett narrating this story. I have imagined her reading it because I know her special way to say the things will make this story sound more epic and, sometimes, it is what we, writers, need.

It is very easy to point a finger to someone to tell to her that she is crazy because she dreams with cast very talented actors to the “no sense” she writes. That she is only faking a bunch of things to try to get the job that she desires BUT as she is so crazy and obsessed she probably will never get a job in her whole life. To all of you who think this things about me: “Thank you for to show me who you really are. It is a shame that none of you are brave enough to tell this things to me looking directly into my eyes. Then, you will really know what I think about your poor life.”

To the ones who does not know nothing about me. Let me reveal you something. Today it is my birthday. It is also my Happy New Year because I was not present in the official worldwide celebration between 1984 and 1985. My year starts today and for the curious who does not know how to count. This year I make 03 years old. Right now,  I am probably celebrating by myself this day in a corner of the world far away to all the people that I know and, above all, far away to this insane virtual world. I think I have mentioned before how much I hate it, so I am not going to repeat myself with that.

Now, to all the ones who are like: “OMG! She is so pathetic. I am sure she expends the whole day crying because no one else wants to be at her side.” You have arrived to the same wrong conclusion which most of the world arrive. My problem it is not “no one else want to be at my side”. My problem is: so many people want to be around me. So, I prefer to be with myself in peace and calm because most of the superficialities than the normal average of human beings have they take out of me my aggressive side. Trust me when I say that I need a lot to make me loose my patience or nerves but it tends to happen and I do not like myself when it happens. So I prefer to avoid the lambs. No offense, folks, but I will eat all of you alive.

Despite you can think, or believe, “lonely” does not it mean sad or depressive to me. To me, it is great and it refills me back to can manage with more or less sanity the whole year. I could ask to the whole world which is my favorite color, or my favorite dish, even the members of my family will give me an answer which it is not the correct but which they would take for granted that their answer would be the right one. They would even fight you if you will go against them so why should I waste my special day with them? If I have a new jacket, trousers, nail polish… anything. They want it, even if they use two or four sizes more than me. They want it and their dream is to loose weight to can fit. You can apply the same with the food, way of talk, way of walk, “style”… However, this is not only limited to my blood correlatives. Unfortunately, it happens with the “friends” that I have met in my path too. If I have been in a disco with them and a cutie has approached to me and not to them; they, suddenly, invented a new excuse or “movie” to move of the place. If they had bought something but after, you have bought something in the same shopping day they have kept the rest of the day with that “bitter” tone and this kind of words like b*, w*… I do not know why, folks, but it is this way.

I only have received two birthday cards in my whole life and I do not know why I keep them. The first one it is not bigger than a post stamp. Inside, it only has the picture of the friend who gave it to me. The second birthday card has something written but it ends saying that “I own” a travel to London to the person who has written the text. Happy Birthday to me

However, like this was not enough it seemed I needed the virtual world to top the cake. Almost five years ago, when I was trying all by my own to pitch my television series in Hollywood a strange group of fans came into my path. The story is long so I am going with the short version: “I do not know why but they confused my series with a ‘mysterious’ project of an acclaimed film director of the music videos of a relatively unknown alternative music band.” Like I am not scared to even call Michelle Obama or Hilary Clinton to talk with them about why we, women, need to be pushed up. I contacted with him to try to resolve the ‘confusion’ and to try to see if he needed help with any job. Since then, I still receiving each day all kind of “hidden” messages declaring to me “love” or “hate”. It depends of the day and it depends of what he, Me or Ellen Degeneres does. Honestly, I do not know why but this is how it works.

In all this time, I have received threats with to kill me, to steal the money of my bank, to rape me… And the most pathetic thing is not that they had used personal information shared in private e-mails to try to hurt me and to try to make me believe that I was crazy. The most pathetic fact it was when their jealousy made they try to emulate my personality pretending to be me. “WHY?” Are you probably thinking? Because for the crazy stalkers who fall in love of myths like this “film director” they do not have enough with a judicial order which force them to stay away. To them, “their love” it is the ONLY which matters and it means that or he is all mine or he is not for nobody. I am fine with that, I have said it thousands of times: “All for you! I do not like sexy guys. I prefer a Stephen Hawking‘s with a taste for geek stuff.” However, it is not enough.

Imagine how absurd is the situation that, at the beginning: all that I have done, all my work, only could have been done (Written) by him. Because: “he is the most talent being in this universe and there is no one else in this planet who could be more intelligent than him.” That hurt me very deep my girl’s pride. After, somebody noticed that I was a woman, finally! And I was not intelligent anymore. I was crazy and everyday they remembered me how loony I was but they tried to imitate my style. I do not know who was they trying to fool, but when a person needs to copy other to try to like another one this only shows me up that this person does not deserve any second of my time.

So, yes. Since that times everybody wants a piece of me. Some people even thinks that I must be George Lucas or Steven Spielberg and they ask me for money to their filming projects almost every day. If not, a bunch of desperate actor/actresses come here too waiting that I create to them the role that will make them FAMOUS (with majuscules) or, in other hand, there is the bunch of folks who are only thinking in to win Sundance; but I am going to reserve this one for something funnier.

After all this prolog. I have a question: “Is it me who is really faking it because I am trying to fight for my ideals and I am not afraid to address to anybody or to fail? Or is it you who wants to believe something which is just air?”

Past days, I received a printing test of a thing that I pitched for a folk and which he probably is not going to use. Any, folk, would tell me that I wasted my time creating it. Maybe you are right, but I needed to had the real print in my hands because it remembers me that: what I can visualize, it can become real. Probably, you will not understand it but to me, from where I come, it is extremely important to can think that not everybody is a concept or a theory. Dreams can be real and this prints are the prove of it. To me it is enough.

In other hand, I am going to confess you something about the prints. When my mother saw the package the first that she asked was how much had cost that stupidity. It is just a tiny envelope with ten print samples and it is for free. The face of nausea that she uses in this cases it is something that I will never can take out of my head. It seems that the only thing than the “normal” people can understand it is about money and to be rich. So, if any of you who is reading this thinks in to be an actor/ actress or filmmaker it is synonym of to become rich. Please, step out of this train quick, because it travels very fast and you will crash with it if you do not know how to drive it.

I was complaining few weeks ago because I could not find any movie or play in March and somebody told me: “Why? It is the release of Cinderella and Cate Blanchett is in it!” Sorry, Cate, I love you as I love Meryl but I cannot see the story of Ella anymore even if it has a happy ending. I need the time to be with myself and to disconnect of the world. I hope you enjoy the story. Peace and Love.


The Vessel

After the war, everything fell in the oblivion. One by one, the seven rivers dried up. The trees, and the magnificent gardens which custody the Palace of the Emperor, died back. The glorious buildings, memories of the splendorous yesteryears, eclipsed, empty, eerie…

The era of peace had finished. The equilibrium had been broken. And now, the Sons of the Sun reigned over the whole imperium. The old alliances, which was respected from the elderly times, had been burst. The land: burned. The people: bonded.

All the kingdoms succumbed one after other to the fury, fire and fear. The ones who resisted were killed, knocked or keeled. There was not hope for no one in that sad years.

The Sons of the Sun conceded only one thing to respect: the monks would keep praying for the souls of the dead. And, it was here, where it resided the last hope; where it lighted up the flame. Because that monks where the ones who helped the injustice to fail.

Step by step, but after so many years of cruelty and slavery, the people recovered their rights. They fought back the oppressive tyranny and they rescued all what they could find.

The silence was now the sovereign of the old temples, palaces and realms. Only a magnificent sakura tree had barely survived to all the suffer and chaos in that lands.

However, the monk who guarded the tree had suffered in his skin the deep wounds of evil. Now, old and tired, he was sitting for last time between that roots. Keeping in his arms the only thing he had could save from the antique splendorous times. He made his last breathe protecting the thing to which he had commended his life.

Time passed. The rivers recovered their plenty. The magnificent Imperial Gardens revived again, but nobody walked between the diversity of plants. Everything flourished in the quietness. Only wild animals lived now in that lands and they were completely respectful with the things which had been left behind.

It was not until the first explorers whom decided to travel the world when the peace of the old kingdom was disturb.

The first one to arrive was Sir Robert Keen, a bold British botanist, who traveled the world searching for new species. This was in the century where everybody had to discover something to find themselves.

He was fascinated for the richness of the plants in that valley. He could not understand how certain species had arrived to that lands. Until the point, he formulated a new evolution theory and he decided that this species where original from that unique loam. It was the Bonaventura who spread the seeds of that vegetal species to other areas. Sir Keen renamed the old kingdom, and he said: “the fantastic place could not be other than the Garden of Eden”.

The rumor of the discovery of the divine land spread quick as lie. Soon, the whole world desired to travel to that remote realm.

Several explorers, from different countries went then, to see by themselves the piece of heaven on Earth. They cut, gashed, slitted and picked. They changed the landscape at their will…

It was then, when they found what it was left of one of the most splendorous kingdoms from the old peaceful times. Between the ruins of the majestic palace the wild things had come inside: breaking, changing, caring the things from the past.

The ancient structure, rich in asian motives much older than the Yuan times, was barely damaged: like if it was frozen in time. Only the vegetation and some cracks subtracted the beauty of the old abandoned palace. The silks, gold and pearls had been stolen by the barbarians in the past, but not all the things with value was inside the pile.

Outside it, few yards ago, McCallister was exploring the field. When, after he crossed the curtain that two weeping willow trees were forming, he found it. The river was flowing full as in the old times and next to it it was growing the most beautiful sakura tree than any man can see with his mortal eyes.

McCallister, overwhelmed by the imposing tree, approached slowly to it. Then, between the naked roots and the trunk he saw it. The old rests of a man holding the most alluring object that he have could seen on earth: a carved jade vase.

The object was pretty big but delightfully carved in very rich motives. It was a bit higher than half meter with a cover which perfectly sealed the inside. In the outside, the engravings told an old story about how a dragon fell in love of a flower and he cried for she. Then, she transformed his tears in rocks and, with that, they were born the Dragon Tears.

The rest of this story it was written in old ancient Chinese. Language, which McCallister did not know how to read.

The urn was heavy, but he was strong. He took it away from the protection of the rests of the old monk.

The winds changed. A storm was coming fast from the north side. McCallister looked for shelter in the old ruins next to his pals.

Everybody looked the vase, everybody admired the work, the art, the craftiness. Then, everybody started to fight for get it until the common sense and the reason won between the gentleman bad manners. It would be a gift for her Majesty: the Queen.

With the hope to be named Lord or Sir, the six British explorers came back home with the jade urn in their hands. Waiting, the Queen Victoria would gift to them some good rewards.

The British Museum was acquiring overseas collections in that times. However, everybody was invited to gift anything which could be curious for the humankind.

It was organized a private event, with the Queen invited as a guest. Everybody went to admire the formidable piece of jade. The dukes, landowners, scientist and wives from this new times were fascinated with the piece. Suddenly, everybody felt the desire to had a fragment of it.

Louder than the storm, scarring than the hurricane, desolating like the last chant of the swan. People lost their way. The Queen was ashamed and upset: “How do you dare to say you represent the virtues and the intelligence of this new age!” she said.

The rumor was stronger, the voices screamed and between all the discomposure and accident occurred: somebody trip up against the vase and it was broken in pieces no bigger than specks.

After the crash, the discussion was over, and the silence was the real king of the room. “The jade is fragile” they said, “it is normal it breaks this way” but what it was not normal to all of them, it was to discover the vase was not blank. The body of a young girl it was buried inside. She seemed young and frangible. She probably was beautiful when she was alive but she was only a child when she passed away.

The splendorous new society of this times decided the vase was not that. It was a vessel used from commemorate the tragic dead of a child. All of them took a piece of the broken jade. Some people even took several instead. They changed the old body from the museum department and everything seemed fixed then.

The Queen did not gave more noble titles, not to the explorers. Neither from the people who assisted to the new funeral. Because, after that, all of them was admiring the rests of the most tragic story of the elder times.

It was the story of how the evil can desire to break the peace of the old towns of the East. How the desire from someone can make people destroy, kill and harm. How the lust started a war and it burned an Imperium on fire.

No one learnt from the past. This teachings will die and the desired princess whom was buried in a vase will be forgotten. Everybody will be tired to see her in her new crystal vessel next to the other memorable people, from other times. All of them, will ignore that her value was not in her beauty or in the broken pieces of her old jar. The worth, was in the story behind her and which she could not relate as she had liked… It has arrived the time to say the last goodbye.

Mien Alike

Keira Knightley

Keira Knightley. Example of a subtle makeup look.

I am going to be direct and to go to the point. This is the way that I like to say the things. So here I go: “It is important to use make-up but not because it is cool. It is important because it protects your eyes from UV.” Post finished. Next… Oh, you were waiting a bit more… O.K…

In case that you have not noticed most of the eye creams which are released on the market have not SPF. There are a few but it is so weird to find them that it is like if they do not exist. For this reason, it is much easier to use makeup.

You can go for a subtle look like the one on the example. It is not necessary to look like a ganguro to be protected. Talking about ganguros… Are face stickers really necessary? I am sure they will leave on the skin lovely designs after a whole day under the sunlight but they are “kawaii”.

By the way, do not think that it is me: “a blogger” who is going to tell you what it is the best for your skin. No. It was the Egyptians the ones whom in pharaonic times discovered that to eyeliner their eyes protected them from sun and from the Nile Fever. An illness with more mortality cases than the Bieber Fever.

Honestly, I am a bit tired of all this fancy trends… what to wear… the fashion police… Until the point that I have decided that I am not going to buy more fashion magazines BUT, as Bieber taught me: “Never say never” (BAE: Best Advice Ever). I am not going to say that I am not going to buy them anymore. If not magazines and Me are in an interlude of our fashion relationship.

Ganguro style.

Ganguro style. Only for braves.

Yes, I think it is better this way. We need to breathe. All that excess of “fashion” was consuming our relationship making it cold… “Which color is better?”; “Which is going to be the next trend?”; “Oh darling, you MUST have this…”; “Which manicure is best, makeup…” This is so much pressure for any relationship. I need more freedom, more space. I want nobody can contradict me that slippers or pajamas are not the adequate trend to wear on a red carpet day. Seriously, is it necessary to assist to the event in a fabulous gown when you are in your sofa and it is broadcasted on tv? Even a three pieces suit is more comfy than most of this gorgeous dresses! Definitely, it is best to leave our fashion relationship in time-out for some time…

And all of this happens because fashion magazines want to always be the dominant partner in the relationship. They start recommending you what to wear when you are insecure and they finish trying to control your whole life. They even tell you where you must buy the things, where to eat, what to eat and when you should do it… Even they tell you how you must have sex with your partner. Of course, when this magazines are completely forgetting that the relationship it is a “menage a trois” because this papers are giving the wacky idea of how to do it.

I really know what I am talking about. When I was at college I had the luck to be inspired by a great professor. I never was the most brilliant in her class because I am lazy to study things word by word but they keep in my head… for long.

She made us to have an affair with fashion magazines, or the ones addressed to women, and with porn magazines, which are for men. Surprisingly, it was more explicit about “how to do the things” the girlish magazine than the one for the guys. It is true: guys love to see pictures of naked girls but that is all. What to do with the girls on the pics is all left to imagination. Like in a good book.

Furthermore, the male like magazine had interesting news pieces about economy, politics, music… When, in other hand, the female like magazine only tell you what you should do, buy, wear, eat, do -even in bed-. Very instructive, girls.

All of this articles of the magazine for women are very edulcorated. Like wrapped in sugar candy to do not really show openly how they tell you what to do with your life and with your sex partner. I am not kidding. They simply put a picture of a hot guy in suit or with the shirt a bit open. The headline is something like: “How to Be Happy and Make Him Feel Like a Gentleman” Surprisingly, you cannot find nothing in the piece about how to treat the other, talk with him to make him feel special… Everything in the text is focused in the genital area and how to make him feel pleasure. Which, I do not have doubt that he will appreciate it but, really: “gentleman”? I think that I have learnt wrong what that word really means…

So, yes, it is very curious what the papers and magazines sell us as stereotypes because dirty naughty people are in the both sexes, not just in one. To that and to be considered a gentleman or lady there is a HUGE step.

I understand that maybe, some kind of instruction can be opportunistic and adequate for some occasions but one thing is that somebody suggests you the idea and other completely different that they tell you what you MUST do.

Leaving the intimacy relationships to one side. I must confess that I finished quite in shock the past month with this “fashion” magazines. Until the point that I really need to breath outside them.

Everything started with the Oscars. I am very devote of that ceremony but this is a story that I will tell you in other occasion.

The case is I could not watch it so I was reading the Twitter feeds of different sources. I am not sure if some journalists aka “fashion police” were upset for could not be in that place or they were angry because they had to be awake the whole night to see how people dress. Which it is not about what the event is but it is okay.

Alice in Wonderland film is courtesy of Disney Pictures

Alice in Wonderland film is courtesy of Disney Pictures

I read that night so many disrespectful texts firmed by people working in magazines and television… that I almost lost my faith in the human being common sense.

So, yes, this is one of the main reasons. The other one was another “fashion” piece from few days ago. Maybe a week… Basically, the “fashion” site was recommending to all the women how to dress as a Hollywood star and how to copy HIS looks. And, no “HIS” it is not a typographic mistake.

I understand, people from this kind of magazines have also the job of to sell the clothing. It is something which you should now to do as a journalist but just a few folks really know the art of how to do it without nobody notices it. If I find bizarre that somebody tells me what I MUST wear as a girl imagine how weird I find that they tell me what I MUST wear to “copy” a man’s look. Suddenly, a piece of song played in my head: “this is the end I feel…”

Here I am, telling you how I have break-up with the ones who tell me what I MUST wear. I have always tried to follow this rule:

“Don’t follow white rabbits they can drive you to Wonderland or, worst, to Matrix”

It is me who creates this kind of crazy refrains but they are for remember me something: that it is just me who has the reins of my own life. If I do not like my family tells me what I should wear. Imagine how I am going to permit that a piece of paper tell me that.

Although this is not about me. This is about all the ones who follow and they have never stopped to think, just a bit.

Alice in Wonderland courtesy of Disney Pictures.

Alice in Wonderland courtesy of Disney Pictures.

You can read, you can copy, you can do whatever you want; but, later, do not blame others or yourself because the things that you are expecting that will happen in your life does not happen. That you use the same clothes than you favorite star does not mean you are HIM/HER. You must put of your part and to take decisions by your own. If you do not want to accept the consequences and responsibilities of your own actions and you just copy things you will always look alike but you will NEVER be yourself. Accept suggestions and all kind of recommendations from papers, people, from here and there but, remember: the last word is for yourself. Be brave to make choices and to take risks or let the Matrix Agents create a life for you but do not expect this will be the life of your dreams. Be bold Neo’s and Alice’s.

English Pitynglish

Julie Andrews and cast in My Fair Lady the Musical. Picture courtesy Wikipedia

Julie Andrews and cast in My Fair Lady the Musical. Picture courtesy Wikipedia

From where I am from we have a very old bad joke. Like a lot of people from my land were to work on the French vineyards in the past. Well, almost in present too… When they came back people asked to them what they had seen. Somebody one day answered: “Do you know French kids are very clever? Since they are very young they already know how to speak French.” That was the bad joke.

However, this cliché about the French kids are clever because they talk in French has stayed in my society. It keeps staying and it is also extended to English kids. So, fellow English readers: “Congratulations! You are very clever!”

And you know? All this things happen because you speak weird. Let’s see: if a “sofa” is the same piece of furniture in Spanish than in English why do you must call “chair” to the “silla” and “armchair” to the “sillon”? Or if a “banana” is the same fruit in both languages why the “apples” are not “manzanas” or the “oranges” are “naranjas”? See, the patron…? You, English people, have changed all the words. And for this reason you have the fault that Spanish people have not easy to learn the language of Shakespeare. Nitwit!

Can you imagine what have could happen if Phillip II of Spain had reclaimed the British islands and he had governed them? Horror! Inquisition! Aaaaahhhhh! It think I am having a panic attack just thinking about it… Ewwww!

However, do not worry. Despite that most Spanish people still hating YOU because the Brits destroyed our Spanish Armada. I am an exception and I love you folks. I love the Queen, she looks so lovely and cute. Her mother Elisabeth was even cuter and I love this strange sense of humor that you have. Who, if not a Brit, will design full crockery sets with the face of Charles and Camilla on the bottom? Do not tell me, dear, it is not ideal. You are eating your soup, or enjoying your tea, and when you are leaving that the last drops of that pleasant meal delight your mouth. You find that “pretty” royal faces looking at you. As Scottish say: “Lovely”

Seriously, like I love to create movies. I am going to create a scene right now based in how a British person acts. Downtown Abbey style. And like it is only in my head I am going to cast the best English cast.



In a well dressed table full of dishes, light meals and treats. DAME MAGGIE SMITH and DAME JUDY DENCH are enjoying the tea time. From inside the house comes DAME HELEN MIRREN. She joins to the conversation meanwhile she serves to herself some nibbles.

Good afternoon, ladies. May I join to your lovely party.
Of course, dear.

After this classic British small talk and a long period of silence Dame Maggie Smith decides to open the conversation.

Helen, dear. Would you like to join the conversation that Judy and I was having? If Judy doesn’t have any problem, of course.
Of course, I don’t have. We can keep talking and deciding who is going to win this year.

Another long silence. Some sips of tea here and there but not more talk. Finally Dame Hellen Mirren decides to talk.

Who is going to win what? If you do not mind that I ask…
Not at all, darling. All the years Maggie and I create our own personal awards.
(Making a sign to Helen to approach closer)
Yes, dear. This is a secret but all the years Judy and I decide who is the best British actor of the year.
And we don’t let newspapers or other awards influence us in our decision.
I see… And do you only decide who is the best actor?
We’ve tried several years to decide who is the best actress too…
I see…
However, darling, Maggie and I had the tendency of to always finish our best female acting debates in a tie. So, since some years ago we have called another actress to join our Tea Awards.

Long silence. The Dames enjoy some nibbles and they drink more tea.

My apologize, but why aren’t we deciding who is the best one?

Dame Maggie Smith and Dame Judy Dench look at each other quite concerned and after, they look to Dame Helen Mirren with a lovely smile.

Dear, we still waiting the third actress who will help us to decide.

More silence and more tea. Then, MERYL STREEP shows up and joins the Tea Party.

My apologize, ladies. I’ve been entertained by our nominees inside.
Do not worry, dear. It is completely fine.
Now, I understand why there is no more Best Acting Female Tea Awards.

The four ladies look between them with complicity. All of them show their most lovely naughty smile.


This year nominees are waiting next to the drinks cabinet. All of them seem very nervous. Some of them have served some Scotch and are drinking. Others are smoking. There is a lot of tension in the ambient.

Can anybody explain me what are we doing here?
Not sure. Gary, please, can you remember me why do we come here year after year?
Not sure neither, but the liquor isn’t bad.

GARY OLDMAN is serving some drinks to the new ones BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH and EDDIE REDMAYNE. Benedict grabs his drink with a firmly cold pulse, Khan style, but Eddie is very nervous and when he takes his drink, he drips a bit of it.

Oh, so sorry. I didn’t…
Sorry, I’m getting old…
No, no. It was my fault.
No. The fault was mine.
I insist. It was my fault. Please, accept my apologize.
I don’t have to accept your apologize for something that you haven’t done.

ALAN RICKMAN approaches to Eddie. Alan touches Eddie’s shoulder as a symbol of acceptance.

Don’t worry. We, all, get nervous in our first Tea Awards Nomination. Dan almost did the real magic trick of disappear the first year that the Dames invited him. Isn’t it Dan?
(Looking to the infinite)
Is in this moments when you really ask yourself why after all this years in Hogwarts I haven’t really learnt the most important spells…
(Looking outside)
How long is it going to be this time?
With the ladies nobody knows it for sure… And don’t spy. They will call us as they use to do.
Are you going to continue with your instructing tone, Rickman?

Benedict leaves his drink on a near table. He grabs a cloth from the drink cabinet and he kneels down to clean the wet floor. Eddie acts in response. He kneels down to clean the mess too. He tries to grab the same cloth that Benedict is holding. There are no more cloths inside the room.

Let me do it. After all it was my fault.
I’ll do it.
No, I’ll do it.

Benedict looks with his deep psycho face to Eddie who seems a bit confuse by the reaction. Gary, watching the expression, kneels down too to clean the mess and to try to relax the situation. He taps Benedict’s back. Benedict turns back towards Gary with the same cold sight.

I can do it too.
I said: “I’ll do it”
Sorry, but none of you two have to do it! It was my fault!
Sorry, son. But I have already told you it was my fault!
No! It was mine!
(very angry)

A huge silence invades the room. Nobody dares to reply to Gary, the angry man.

(Cold and calm)
No. I’ll do it.
Because I’m better… In everything…

Suddenly, a call to Sean Bean’s phone interrupts the tense scene. Sean doubts between to pick the phone or not. Finally he does it.

(on the phone)
I don’t know who you are but I will find you and I will kill you.
Try it. I’m a professional dead man.

A bullet cross the window and it kills Sean Bean in a new weird style which the audience have not seen before. Alan Rickman and Daniel Radcliffe magically disappear. Gary, Benedict and Eddie look one to each other confused and nervous.

All the years the same… He dies. The wizards and superheroes disappear and Gary has to clean everything!

Gary nods his head in a repeatedly affirmation gesture with tones of huge desperation. The three men have forgotten about the spilled drink and they are now standing up looking at each other. The new ones are surprised and confused.

And who wins the Tea Awards?
Meryl Streep! Or don’t you already know that she always wins all the awards?

Benedict and Eddie look at each other very confused. Gary, exhausted, sits on the sofa. He is sad, about to cry, because he has seen how Sean Bean has died so many times.


Now that I have fulfilled my dream cast in a silly scene let’s be serious. Do not deny me that “dear” and “sorry” are always in the vocabulary of Brits. Is it me the only one who find it cute and adorable?

Audrey Hepburn in My Fair Lady. Picture courtesy Warner Brothers Pictures.

Audrey Hepburn in My Fair Lady. Picture courtesy Warner Brothers Pictures.

No offense americans but I lived in the West Coast of your country for a while and you speak even weird than the Brits. You even change more words and people from South… Brrrr…! “Ain’t get half wha’chu sayin’?” but I am glad because I know that I am not the only one in this universe with that compression problem.

Probably most of you, dear english speakers, have never experienced the respect that your language causes to other cultures. I say you have not experienced because you have been born talking english so to you it is normal. However, to the rest of the world it is not.

We learn the language of Shakespeare because we must, but most of the times we also learn it with fear. We are scared to say things wrong or that you will not understand us. I am not sure were this fear comes from but it happens a lot. I have seen it a bunch of times. Now please, non english-born people, tell me and raise your hands. How many of you have apologized, like thousands of times, because you are not sure if you are communicating right in english? How many of you still being unsure about how to write certain things or how to pronounce them? To all of you: “welcome to the club” but I am going to confess you a secret; most english-born people have the same problem than us.

Let me tell you a personal story. When I was just a kid I had the capacity of to be hours quiet and silent in a same spot. No, I did not had any development problems. My family just told me: ”Stay here and don’t make noise” and I did. My record is 3h 50min without move of a chair and don’t say nothing. At that point. I asked permission to move. That’s me: the weird.

I grew up sharing room with my aunt who was in her early twenties but she was like an angry teenager in her fifteens. Everybody knows how annoying is a teen… If you did not give me the order of to be quiet and silent I did not. Let’s say that I was extremely good following orders… She did not say that order to me because I was creepy. In other hand, I did not stopped to ask things and being curious. Fact, which is extremely frustrating for a teen. So why did she in that times? She put me the headphones of her walkman and she always played the same cassette: a basic english learning method. I was only three years old.

The good side of this story is that I started to learn another language very soon. The not so good side is that she never bought the cassettes which continued the learning method. So I was stuck in my language learning process for several years.

Then, you arrive to school and you are a genius. English, my favorite subject, always A+… So, yes folks, put your babies to listen language tapes. It works.

Rex Harrison and Audrey Hepburn in My Fair Lady. Picture courtesy Warner Brothers Pictures.

Rex Harrison and Audrey Hepburn in My Fair Lady. Picture courtesy Warner Brothers Pictures.

Maybe this is the main reason that I feel more comfortable writing and speaking in english than in my mother language. I do not know. I am a real weird case.

Imagine, if I am weird that since very young age people from my country is always asking me from which country am I or if I speak Spanish.

Once, in Los Angeles, two latinos (Mexican to be exact) started to had fun with me in Spanish saying one to each other: “Qué te parece la gringa? Viene acá tratando de platicar el español, será bicha!” (TRANSLATION: “What do you think of the dirty foreinger? Come here trying to speak Spanish, bitch!) And you listening their pathetic “español” understanding perfectly how “huevones” they are.

I am not kidding when I say that I have had to show my ID or passport several times in my live to confirm to people that I am from Spain. And, before you ask: “No, I don’t dance flamenco”. Neither I speak like Penelope Cruz. I have my own accent. It’s a special brand. One day, in the British Museum an anthropologist who worked there tried to classify me without I said a word from where I was. He said some strange place in Welsh… Not sure about that.

The case is my accent it is quite funny, undeterminable, but funny. When I was living with my roommate from Alabama she introduced me a woman with the most amazing facelift job. Seriously, we went out to clubs and I thought she was thirtish early forties. When we was back at home my roommate confessed me that she was the step-daughter of a famous Beverly Hill beauty guru and she was, in fact, 54 years old. My eyes kept open as dishes for long, so long… Anyway, when my roomie introduced me to her, the first that she told me it was: “Oh, “Roomie” told me that you were from Spain and you had a bit of funny accent but it’s not the one I expected”. Surprise! Be ready to the unexpected…

Although, I am not perfect. I make tons of english mistakes and I have problems with pronunciation. Some of your words are like tongue-twisters to me. I have problems with the R, C and Z, X if it is in between letters, almost all the verbs in past and the U and A but when they do not sound like U or A. Are you really aware that they are only five vocals and you pronounce them like if they are fifty? That is the reason you have problems with the spelling!

If you cannot understand ones between the others! Have you ever heard a guy from the muddy deep Louisiana? They make so many talking short cuts that it is already impossible to try to dub them to other languages. Checked! The dubbed voice could keep playing meanwhile the Southern folks has already finished half an hour early.

Rex Harrison in My Fair Lady. Picture courtesy Warner Brothers Pictures.

Rex Harrison in My Fair Lady. Picture courtesy Warner Brothers Pictures.

Once, I had a real British professor. We, the college folks and I, were extremely scared that nobody will understands us. Do you know what she confessed to us? That her lovely mother which was born in the British Island could not watch American movies without subtitles because most of the times she did not understand what the Americans were saying on the movie. That gave me hope, but my english baptism and new faith came a bit later. In the same class, half of the folks had studied in English schools. When it arrived the english exam, they were extremely scared of to answer basic english questions like:

Fill with the right verb (HAVE, HAS, AM, IS, ARE):
You ______ beautiful.
_______ you done your homework yet?
I _______ writing this as an example.
Where ______ he been? (I know it sounds weird)
_____ it raining?

So, imagine if the insecurity that aliens have to your language is huge that even having they studied in english schools and talking this language ALWAYS, they have fear to speak your language and to answer this simple questions? What is it going on?

Furthermore, how people who has been studying in British schools since 6-7 years old until 18 years old can say that they have forgotten how to talk and to answer this questions? Is like to ride in bike: you never forget that! And I am the hillbilly… Nice!

Julie Andrews in My Fair Lady the Musical. Picture courtesy Wikipedia

Julie Andrews in My Fair Lady the Musical. Picture courtesy Wikipedia

The case is, that in all this years, the people who has told me that my english is awful, horrible and depressing were not people who has been born talking english. I mean, the people who has said terrible bad things about my english are Spanish (for excellence), Indians, Germans, Mexicans and Brazilians. With the “honoris causa” exception of an Alabama woman who doesn’t know that “violate” exists in her dictionary and it means “rape” (After one hour of discussion and making me doubting about it) and an Australian woman who did not know that “reflexion” (“Reflection” for Yanks) also exist in the dictionary and it means “think deeply”.

Do you want to know the most shocking thing of all? That english people is very polite and when they see me they do not put in doubt my English if I do not say my nationality. They put in doubt my Spanish. Spanish people (Mexicans included) put in doubt my English and also my Spanish because they say I am pedantic. English folks use to tell me that I am quirky. Oh dear, after all this english confusion I am exhausted…

However, it seems the main problem of my english incompetence it is that I do not have any academic title which can prove that I speak english or I can write it. Yes, folks, you are hallucinating: all the texts that you have read until now, including this one are not written in english because I do not have an English Academic title. So I am going to say that they are written in Ambrosian and it is ME the only one authorized to give that Academic titles…

I remember a conversation with an old folk whom I do not met anymore because she has so many crushes with fictional characters and actors. That is also exhausting.

The conversation was after she had an english exam in one of this official schools in which they give this kind of titles. She told me that the Conversation Exam was extremely difficult because they have chosen hard matters. The first text to read and to comment was about “bəgs”. To what I answered very impressed: “Wow! And what have you talked about beetles, ants…?” Her answer: “No idiot! ‘Bəgs’ that things with pages which are for read.” “You mean ‘bo͝oks’” I replied. And then she said: “And what I have said?”

She told me the next text was about ‘tʃɒpin’. I was dubitative because she had expended almost half an hour before this to tell me how dramatic and hard it was the exam. So I tried to guess a hard conversation matter and I bet for ‘ˈSHōˌpan’. Unfortunately, I guessed wrong and after another lovely word like: “bitch” she explained to me the theme of the text: ‘ˈSHäpiNG’. Definitely, Mr English it is not my pal.

However, the worst it is not the discrimination because you do not have a title. The worst is that in some Yank places they do not even want to rent you a place only because they have read your surname. It is the most absurd since when I was 14 years old and I went to Florida with my parents. The guy who was written us the Disney passes asked me if we were family of Jennifer Lopez. Sure! Why not? Later, when I came back to school nobody believed that I was in Miami and Orlando two weeks and I had simply invented everything. Ignorance, again. She is the best friend of a bunch of folks in this planet.

In resume, do not ask me for my English anymore. I know it is pitiful and I should feel very ashamed of it. Since now, I will communicate with the rest of the world in Ambrosian and if you do not understand me it will be your problem, not mine. I am also aware that I am going to keep suffering of discrimination the rest of my life, simply for my surname. And that if I pretend to rent a place I should not say my nationality at least the landlord ask for it. Non-Compressible but true, if I do not say nothing after they have seen my face my surname or nationality does not matter. Same happens with job search. Ai, ai, ai Alejandro G. Iñárritu you do not have idea of how much I understand you…

I do not know… Maybe one day my nuts get loose and I will become an UK citizen. On there, everybody treats me kindly. They are so polite… I have only found a woman who was a bit dry and harsh with me when I said to her where I was from. It seemed she had something against the people from my country who went to her place to try to get a job. However, she relaxed her tone after explain to her my tourist intentions and after she saw me feeding my beau Dan the Swan. Everything can be resolved with a good communication: in English or not, verbal or not. On there, it resides the pure magic.

So folks, do not be ashamed of your english because I can swear that most of the times British cannot understand Americans, Americans cannot understand British and nobody can understand Scottish, with the exception of the Scottish, of course.

Audrey Hepburn in My Fair Lady. Picture courtesy Warner Brothers Pictures

Audrey Hepburn in My Fair Lady. Picture courtesy Warner Brothers Pictures

Everybody makes spelling and typing mistakes in their own mother languages so do not be afraid to do it in other ones but always be polite. To me, for example, it does not matter how bad written is the message that somebody will send me always that this person use nice words. One rude word and my claws I will show.

Be polite and do not worry so much about the spell. Most of the times, it is far better to be excessively polite and to create a comedy situation like the one in my short scene than to speak perfectly well. By the way, thank you very much to the amazing cast who made the scene true in my head. You are ALL of you a bunch of very talented and inspiring folks. Including the Iron Lady, Meryl Streep. Next time, I will try to book you in real. Dream seriously, speak nice and let others enjoy the fun. Good luck.

NOTE: Despite in the film My Fair Lady is Audrey Hepburn who plays the role. She was dubbed by another singer. So I think it is good to also remember Julie Andrews who also played the same character on the stage musical. For this reason, the mix of the pictures.

Cookie Monster Cupcakes

Me, Cookie Monster, it’s going to be the one this week will explain to you the post. My friend Esther, had work, work, work so she let me write in her blog. Me excited because Me knows there are a bunch of good folks out there who like her and who love her. She’s a good monster as Elmo and I. But, there are some naughty kids who do not deserve cookies at all. Bad boys, girls too.

Well, Me had to resist to do not eat cupcakes before to share it with you. They are made with chocolate chip cookies! Ahhhhh! Me cannot, Me cannot resist anymore.

Cookie Monster Cupcakes 1copylow

Ingredients: (2 dozen cupcakes)

– Cookie Batter

– 1 1/2 cups GF flour

- 1/4 teaspoon baking soda

- 1/4 teaspoon sea salt

- 1/2 cup vegetal shortening, softened

- 1/4 cup white sugar

- 1/2 cup brown sugar

- 1 egg

- 2 teaspoons vanilla extract

- 1 cup miniature semisweet chocolate chips

– Cupcake Batter

- 3 cups GF flour

- 3 cups sugar

- 1 teaspoon baking soda

- 1 1/3 cups water

- 1/3 cup canola oil

  • 3 eggs

- Chocolate Frosting

  • 500gr vegetal cream

  • 1/2 cup brown sugar

  • 250gr chocolate for melting (your choice chocolate)

  • Easy version: Nutella hahaha

How To DO it:

1. First go cookies, after… Ohhh Me cannot wait…. The rest. Whisk the three first things of the first list. It means: 1. flour, 2. baking soda, 3. salt. In other bowl beat vegetal shortening with the two types of sugar until it looks like a cream. Mix the powder mixture to this and after add all the chocolate chips that you can. Mix it again. Me resisting, no eat. No eat… Take a spoon and separate the batter in 1 spoon ball sizes. Then, chill and freeze 2 hours.

2. Frosting needs to chill too. So now goes this. Ask your parents to put a pot on the stove and warm the vegetal cream. It’s like the non-vegetal one but made with soy beans. Dissolve sugar and melt chocolate. Once everything looking like hot chocolate without marshmallows. Let it chill a bit then beat it until it will come whipped chocolate cream. Chill, a lot…

3. Cupcake. Mix dry ingredients. Beat eggs 1, 2, 3. And add water and canola oil. Beat again, add dry things and mix. That’s it, not chocolate chip.

4. Warm your oven 200ªC (350ºF). Me don’t know exactly what this means but Cookie Monster trust Esther. In a baking sheet add cupcake liners put one cookie ball in each liner. No, Me are not eating them! I am good… Fill half of the cupcake liner with the cupcake batter. Bake it for 20 minutes. If there are so many chocolate chip cookie balls you can bake cookies and after use them for top the cupcakes. Cannot Me eat them yet?

5. Me so impatient. This process of cook cookies is longer than the three movies of the Lord of the Rings. It’s so much waiting. Cupcakes have not chilled yet but I think I can frost them. Wait. Why is the frosting melting on the cupcakes? It’s okay. I know how to fix it. NOMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOM

Me, Cookie Monster, is a good chef. Not so good as my friend Esther. I only know how to prepare cookies and to eat them but I am a good friend. Me shares recipe with you. Me share the Cookie Monster Cupcakes in a picture. Good luck!