Months ago, when I published One Is the Loneliest Number, I received a message from somebody who use to read my site. That message told me: “Why if you need help do not ask for it?” My answer is simple, but as when I answer people using my Twitter account a lot of people think that I am quite loony. In part because they do not understand the complexity of the situation and they cannot see the whole picture. I decided that one day I would write a bit more about HELP and why I do not use to ask for it but, now that I am deciding to write about it, I think it is better if I show you a big part of the picture.
Probably, most of you, are going to think that this text it is a crying lament about somebody who is upset with the world because nothing has gone to her as she has expected. Think what you want. In fact, stop reading right now. If not, try to deal with all the laments that this creature it is going to offer you as best as you can. For my part, I will try to do not seem more pathetic than I already am or I will try do not make you cry. If you can laugh at any part of this text this will mean that I will have done my job right.
I do not use to ask for help because I have never received it even if I asked, cried or begged for it. I had none. Do you know when you are living in home with your parents, maybe you are a kid, a teen or a grown up, and you say to your mother: “Please, can you cook anything* for me? Well, I can count you with the fingers of my hands the times that I had that privilege. However, most of the times when… let’s call it: “I ordered food in my house”. I did not have what I ordered. For example, let’s say that I would like fish with vegetables. The concept of vegetable it is always potatoes and fish it is banned for several excuses. So, it arrives meal time and you find yourself with potatoes and a piece of meat which it is so cooked that it seems the sole of a shoe. If you ask why you do not have what you wanted the answer it is going to be, in the best of the cases, a bunch of excuses. In the usual cases, a bunch of shouts and screams of all kind. With no sense included, of course.
I am talking, about this as HELP, because I know a lot of folks who see a recipe and they say: “Oh great, I’m going to tell mama will prepare it for me.” Folks, you do not know how lucky you are. Trust me, because this is only the beginning.
” I suppose, that was the main motivation which made me start to worry about kitchen themes.”
Of course, and despite that I could have certain culinary eccentricities, or not**, do not think that my whims are last minute nuttiness. Both, my grandmother (whom I lived until my 18’s) and my mother have the same problem: they never know what to prepare. So, being a very young kid I prepared to them schedules with the meals that I wanted and no, they did not included chocolate, or pizza or pasta to each meal. I did not taste pizza until I was 13 or 14 years old and at 15 most of the kids in my school get fun with me because I had never tasted carbonara pasta in my life.
My meals included spinach omelette, lentils, soy bean soup, rice… I told you from the beginning of this blog: I am a weirdo; but do you know what? It does not matter how unconventional I can be with my tastes. It does not matter how many times my family asked me they did not know what to do to eat, and it did not matter how simple it was the recipe or how many schedules I did. They had always an excuse to do not prepare that meal so, I finished with a good excuse to do not prepare more schedules and with a bigger one to hate boiled egg sandwiches. Well, in fact, to hate boiled egg.
I suppose, that was the main motivation which made me start to worry for kitchen themes so early. Because I really wanted to taste what it feels to eat anything else apart of egg, potatoes, tomatoes and all kind of crappy frozen food. Although, do not think that I made the classy childish number of “I do not have what I want to eat” and I started to cry, scream and kick the floor like I see tons of spoiled kids do in the supermarket. I did not. I ate my food, burned, salty or raw, it depended of the day my “mothers” had.
John Lennon and Ringo Starr. Picture by Help! the film courtesy of United Artist.
Talking about meals. In special, I remember one year near my birthday. I was just a kid and grandma prepared me a ‘cake’ which basically it was: biscuit layers, with layers of custard and layers of strawberry jam. Nothing else, but I loved it. The next year, around two weeks before my birthday she asked me what kind of sweet I wanted for my celebration. I asked for that ‘cake’ but she told me that she could not do it because she did not remember the recipe. I gave her three more different options but I did not had none of them but I did not protest***.
In fact, one of the things that my family has always recognized of me it is that I was a quiet child. I have never protested of nothing and they could leave me sat in a chair for hours. I did not said nothing. I only looked at all of them how they talked and after 3 or 4 hours I asked permission to move of the chair. Do you see how weird I am?
Let’s going to set aside the culinary terms because I think that you had enough to know why I did not had HELP for that side but now, let’s talk about feelings. How many of you feel that the words “I love you” or a hug it is very HELPFUL to remove bad sensations and making you feel good again? I think that most of you are agree that this really HELPS. In my case, when I have received a hug from anybody from my family, even a phone call it is because they want something. I have never heard the pure words “I love you” directly from anybody in front of me and when I heard that words from somebody it was not the “love tone”, it was more the “excitement tone of thank you for have given me X”.
In fact, treat with anybody in my family it is like treat with the character or Miranda in the Devil Wears Prada, played by Meryl Streep. You are never going to heard a: “Please, can you…” or “Thank you for…” No, everything are tough orders without nice words, without knowing what these people wants and, the worst, without any sense of fashion.
It does not matter that you expend with any of them 300€ for Christmas they are never going to appreciate it and, with a bit of luck you will have a gift which probably will not be more expensive of 30€ but know for sure that in a 80% of the cases you are not going to like it. Because when these people is giving you that gift they are already telling you: “If you do not like it, you can give it to me.” Which means, that they are not really buying that for you if not for themselves.
In fact, I grew up fast. I have always been pretty tall for my age and meanwhile my grandfather was alive he dressed me, he brushed my hair and prepared me all my styles. When he died, my grandmother cut my hair as I was a boy and she started to dress me with Mutant Teenage Ninja Turtles T-shirts. When my mother saw it the excuse was that I had “baby hair” and it was necessary to cut my hair so short to make it grow back stronger. Please, do not ask.
“Wear your mother clothes at the age of eight years old does not make you the most popular girl.”
Two years later I had the same height than my mother so they had the fabulous idea that I can dress with her clothes because, I did not tell you something about my family: but they are perfect in everything and it is you who always has the fault, in ALL. As you can imagine, dress at eight with your mother clothes it is not very popular and fancy, even less for your pals in the school but it is okay. It is past and it is gone. The only trouble it is that since a few years ago everybody wants my clothes. You cannot imagine how long is the queue of demands and things that they “must heritage from me”**** the question is that right now I am using a 36/38 and they are in a 46/50 but, hey!, the point it is to have the things, isn’t it?
In my last birthday, thanks God I went out for days, my mother bought me clothes as a gift. They were of her size we had to go back to the store to change them. The store manager was completely shocked to check how she ordered what I had to wear and neither the girl or I had any opinion at respect. Let’s get clothes to one side too… But folks, please, really remember me that this year, when my birthday will arrive I must completely disconnect my phone. It seems that to cross a sea and to be out of the country it is not enough to make me feel guilty, worried and sad for others. Because I have never told you one thing, but I am very sensible.
When you were a kid and you were drawing and your eraser finished. What you did? I cried because it died and it had expended a long time with me. We had a relationship, we were friends, maybe family, and she died exhausted of have been worked so hard. One day, I will tell you that story… but seriously, I really feel the things and, if for example, you are my grandmother and you call me on my birthday and I notice in your voice that you are crying, you are going to touch me. Of course you have pride and you are never going to recognize that you were crying because that it a thing that only weak or crazy people does. However, you have touched me and I am going to remove heaven and earth from London to know what the hell is happening. I even going to buy you a teddy bear and I am going to skip a meal to can buy it. To later, check that it was nothing, that everything is in my head and that the teddy bear… just… ok.
Most people does not know what it is to grow up with the stigma that like you have the same horoscope than your aunt which it is crazy*****. You are going to be crazy too and it is going to be all your fault for have been born in that day. The others, they never have any reason to blame themselves. The world always spin around them.
The Beatles. Picture by Help! the film courtesy of United Artist.
I do not know neither what it feels when anybody from your family clothe you in bed and tell you a story or sing you a song until you fall asleep. I think that is the reason why I create so many stories.
If I had any problem with my homework which was hard to resolve for me. It did not matter how much HELP I could ask for. Nobody gave it to me, neither the teacher, professors… The answer was always: “You can manage it.” “You can do it.” “It’s your problem…” and the other school pals only wanted to copy what I had because they never had enough time to do their homework.
Only a teacher, in my first school, tried to HELP. She called two of the most prestigious private schools from my area. I had went there without pay anything meanwhile I had kept with the same academic records. My parents did not want that I go there because they did not wanted that with her daughter passed the same than in the American movies where the kids with uniform are waiting to their parents out of the school for hours until they come home and later they hate their parents. It is truth, it is much better if the kid can go walking to the school by him/herself. It is less picturesque.
When my parents decided that I had to occupy my evenings with more things. They decided that music would be good. It was for two reasons: the first, that they have read or heard that the kids that study music are more mentally aware; the second, it was that a gipsy told my mother that I will become a great artist and music is art, isn’t it? I hated that f* place and it did not matter how many crying scenes I did in home saying that I did not wanted to go. It did not matter how much I protested because I was going to become a great musician because a gipsy said it.
I was terrible, or that made me the people believe. I do not have idea, I am very confused about it. The only thing that I know it is everybody was a “rockstar” always high on drugs. Cocaine shots in the bathrooms before to start the class and a joint or two after finish it. When I started in that place I was only 8, I finished at 18. I can tell you “a bit” about how some “rockstars” are and some are not. How the ego is so huge that two of them cannot be in the same room because the room it is so small that the two egos do not fit inside. And, of course, without mention, anything of how all that kind of substances can affect the mind.
In fact, I am going to advance you something of this text. It is about groupies. Girls… boys… do not think that most of your idols really love you and appreciate you. It does not matter if they are singers or actors. Most of them do not know about your existence and the few ones that can know that you exist are not interested in have a relationship with you. That is pure marketing and branding. When you insist more in be noticed by them, first, they are going to ignore you, then, they are going to have fun of you -probably criticizing you at your back as you use to do with your friends when you talk about them-. Both of you are humans. The difference it is the amount of ego of each one of you have, nothing else. And, as you talk, having fun with your friends about if they have showers, if they are better sweaty, how huge is their c*, the depraved fantasies that you will have in bed with them… They do the same with you, except that in a 80% of the cases they talk about your crazy head, that you are fat, ugly and all that stuff. I heard so much of that kind of babels from childish “rockstars” and from the teachers too; but trust me, when you are in their minds, it is much better to be the ugly duck than the porn star. Neither, men or women, can control their manners when they had “wild” fantasies and they are in front of the “fantasized one”. The fun part is how are they going to react, but I am going back to the school days.
“Mozart and I finished our relationship with a lot of hateful feelings between us.”
I remember once in the Choir/Singing Class. The teacher was testing us to see which kind of voice we had. He was in alphabetic order calling us and making some simply voice tests. He called a girl partner before me and when she came back she was so happy and smiling: “Mezzo-soprano, he said!” Very exciting, as you can check. Then he called me: “Soprano” he said. My girl partner looked at me with that sight which it is saying: “I’m going to kill you.” So, she said: “I can do that too.” with all her cockiness and ego she run toward the teacher and she asked to make the same test again. After, she became happy because she was soprano too, but not very happy because she was not the only one. What a pity!
Anyway, I can tell you that to be a soprano it is not very exciting. My friend Mozart and I stopped to be friends soon and we finished our relationship with a lot of hateful feelings between us. Everything for a Magic Flute that he decided to compose when he was high because there is not other reason to write that. My other relationships with Bach, Faubert, Haendel, Morse and other famous “rockstars” did not worked well neither so I decided it was not good to my health to have any kind of relationship with any “high mass musician whom likes that his songs are played in huge auditoriums and listened for thousands of people”. No, thanks, I had enough of it.
Call me animal but do you know what I had to do to I can stop to assist to the music school? Because they were six years more waiting me… I injured myself, on purpose. I was tired to cannot go to experiment what it feels to skate or ice skating, to dance or to do a bunch of things because a gipsy said that I will be a great artist and my parents decided that I would be a great concertino. In case that you do not know, classical music player it is more respectful that become the next Hanna Montana, or Britney Spears (whom it is a bit closer to my age). In fact, I completely understand Lindsay Lohan which it is only one year younger than me. So, no more piano, guitar, and specially flute to me. And, no, in case that you ask, my singing concerts are private: only the shower and myself. No one allowed.
Definitely, that was a very HELPFUL period in my life. I hope you can read between lines the sarcasm. I started the college with the hope that things will change. The first year, a professor suspended me the examination having as allegation that I did not answered all the questions. When I went to the exam revision all my answers suddenly show up in the paper as art of magic. Maybe, I must be a witch and I made some magic trick, but he told me that I had the face of “to never have broken a dish” so he was HELPING me with that suspense to assume things… Bad things, that will happen to me in the future. Because everybody needs to start to be hit in some moment of life to become stronger. Now, dear readers, I really want to know, please leave a comment below. When you watch a picture of me it is really telling you that I am some kind of angelical being who had a perfect life and who needs to be tough so I will survive to the city jungle? Please, do not shut up what you think. It will be very interesting to know it.
The Beatles. Picture by Help! the film courtesy of United Artist.
When I almost finished the college I went to a producer company looking for an internship job. They were so captivated with my CV picture and my physical presence that they decided to gave me an opportunity but not as an editor as I solicited. They decided that I would better as a production assistant but as I denied that offer they told me that I could be director assistant too. Now, an advise to anybody who is looking desperately a job. Despite what the society, your boss or your family will tell you: run away from internships. Even more, if they force you to be a runner with heels.
In that producer company they made a weekly television show which it was a length of 30 minutes approximately. In case that you do not know nothing about music rights let me explain you a bit to make you understand.
You, as producer company, make deals with discographic brands. For a price, you can use songs from what they call “a library” which it is nothing that a bunch of songs from unknown composers. Each time that you use any song more than 30 seconds you have to pay an extra, which it depends of the discographic, song and percentages. Usually, “library” songs are very cheap to use but nobody wants to use them because people does not know them and they are not cool. So what do they do in tons of producer companies around the world? They use the songs of famous Dj’s or rock bands… but, later, they had threaten people like me in internships making us faking the musical contracts. So, if they really had used anything by David Guetta or U2 (which are the most abused) you falsify the reality and say that in the television show where played songs from the library. The producer company saves money, the artists does not receive a penny, the audience watch the show and he did not know nothing and the artist only ask “Where is the money?” But hey, who is going to check for the musical licenses in a local television station. Do you know how many of them are around the world?
The case is that it was my job. For unknown reasons the intern that occupied my job before mine had missed to update licenses since March and it was July. I remember you: weekly program, 30 minutes length, a bit more or less than 30 seconds the music changes… That means that for each show it was around 60 licenses to make, fill the forms and to send them. I did not know why, but it seemed that somebody though that I would be busy the whole summer with that task. However, like I live in a different temporal dimension, I made it in less than two weeks. So, the rest of my days at job were made of the personal maid of the niece of the boss. In this company they received millions of euros from the government to make some shows and, that boss, later said that the company had not money to pay anybody or to invest more in the show. Deceived for the high rate of corruption I decided that work in my area it was not what I was looking for.
“Nobody can HELP you except yourself.”
I went to Hollywood, I learnt that corruption it is everywhere and that the nieces and daughters of the bosses are well positioned in all the offices making life harder to the rest of the coworkers or human slaves. I also learnt that when you are looking for a mentor and they see your resume they got scared and most of these people tell you that they cannot HELP you because they have worked hard to arrive where they are. They cannot permit that anybody with more knowledges than them steals them the job position. Of course, there is the other kind of mentors and ex-professors which they will HELP you if you make to them some sex favors. And finally, it shows up the feminine side which will HELP you with their support, remembering you each day how ugly, fat, b*, w* and thousand of compliments more, you are.
Then, your family, which it is perfect, will HELP you too asking for a Chanel perfume or something like that. In that times, when you can pass a month with four potatoes, two lettuces, four tomato cans, tons of lentils, chickpeas and bread. To later, discover that you are not poor and you have a tiny fortune in the bank but, in that moment, you do not know that and the pressure to get a job it is so high that it can even make a spatial rocket go to the moon without gas.
However, if I have to create a special mention to all the HELP I have received it is to some “famous” people and their personal stalkers. Really, that happens to me for being idiot. It stills happen me, in fact. Because when one of these loons catch you there. It is no way to get out, not at less in these virtual times.
Imagine if I am idiot that I was literally falling on the floor almost each day because I did not eat enough and I really have tendency to be anemic. Somedays, when I stood up from bed I fell because my legs where sleeping. Other days, I fell sleep typing in my computer. And, even that, I offered to care of a guy who I did not know and who was injured in his back and neck, simply because I felt bad about him. Because I did not wanted that he felt alone and sick as I did. Thanks God, I did not went finally. But I went to care of my friend in the hospital. She had a terrible car accident few weeks ago and at the begging she was in coma. It did not matter how much time I expended with her or not. It did not matter that her mother was surprised because after six hours I did not leave her daughter alone. The most lovely thing is that all this people thinks that you do that because you want something in exchange. Probably, a job in a great spot like she did with her daughter finding her a job in the Golden Globes. It is very tragic and sad, for do not say depressing, that this people is always thinking that anybody wants to get something of them. That is life in LA.
The Beatles. Picture by Help! the film courtesy of United Artist.
Definitely, Los Angeles was very HELPFUL to know how people is behind their masks. On there, I discovered that your family do not even care about say Merry Christmas or, months later, tell you that everything is fine. If not they will push you until the extreme that you will really believe that there is nothing else to eat if you do not get a job right now, you become rich and you make them famous and rich to all. Of course, what they would do for support you would be go to the gipsy or to read more coffee cups. That is what it is really useful. And, about people that I met there… It did not matter if you payed to them a meal, made to them a gift or helped them in something because it is like your family: you will never have enough qualities which can satisfy or please them and, for this reason, it does not matter if today it is your birthday or it is Christmas because they are not going to remember you anyway. Although you NEVER must forget to congratulate them.
And, my favorite part: fans, stalkers, groupies and trolls. The last ones are specially HELPFUL. In fact, I have advanced a bit about groupies but like I am the demon reincarnated in a sweet face. I am going to talk without restrain my mouth and aliases. In fact, on November 12 I received this tweet:
“@elmwrites: RT@AChaosFairy @DomsWildThings If Lady Gaga was an incest this would be the one. ♡ her music
Excuse me, person with a chicken in a detention room as profile pic and chaotic fairy but I am not very clever in all these social networks. Does your tweet tries to express that I said that about the fairy and the hobbit? Who is having incest with who? Who is brother of whom? Because I can tell you that I am tiny, not hobbit size, but I do not have nothing to see with Charlie/aka Merrin… “You Know Everybody”. My apologize, dear “rockstar” Lost in an island whom made me cried when you wrote in your hand “It’s not Penny’s boat”. I do not know if you are going to read this and I do not know who are these trolls and why they are keeping mention me in a strange Twitter loop. I only retweeted the pic of one of your bugs because I thought it was cool but, in fact, I did not know that the picture was from a “rockstar” because if I knew it I did not RT it. It was not until that Lady Gaga incest when I clicked your name. Let’s hope that these two trolls will finish with their loops. If not, I am afraid that this could be more annoying that the polar bears or the strange numbers on the Island. They were entertaining but they did not really had an explanation to be… OMG! Let’s hope that we are not dead and trapped in a Twitter universe… O_O
Let’s do one thing: keep with your bugs. I will keep with my books. And about the trolls… Pff… Let them do.
Next. Do you know how to deal with an stalker or troll? It is easy: you give him/her enough rope and he/she will hang him/hersef. There is nothing else you can do. Neither go to the police because they change their IP’s and Bang! Let’s going to start again.
I am like three and half years trying to deal with it. I swear that between all that I told you before and these kind of people they made me wish to die. I almost did. I hid in a cave for long time and I almost finished like: Gollum! Sorry, Tolkien moment. But no. Really, it was very bad times…
“Despite what some online dating sites say: When somebody falls in love of you on-line you are scuppered.”
At the begging everything was nice. She was a women from Germany who only wanted to talk. She was older than me so in my naivety I thought that it could be good to me because there is something that you can learn from people older than you. The problem became when she started to though that I was not me, I mean Esther Lopez. I do not know why, but she thought I was a famous “rockstar”/actor. I am not going to say his name, his name is banned from make any kind of promotion because I know that he uses the internet as a Hive to do that. I must recognize him something, he HELPED me to develop the art of say the things without saying them. Which can be very funny because it really tricks all the stalkers minds. Like I am a weirdo, I am going to confess you the two names that I have given to him. That way, you will can read easy and flow the text without get Lost. (I am bad I know)
The first name, and making tribute to a stalker who was obsessed with the Harry Potter’s world, it is The One Who Should Have Not Be Named. The second name, and making honors to the greek legends and myths that he loves to create, it is Nemesis. Yes, as the goddess. Why? Because he is obsessed with wear skirts, in show his cleavage and he is definitely a chaos agent.
Well, the thing was that this German woman thought that I was Nemesis and she fell in love with me. Of course, when she awoke, because I have never lied her about my sex. She get mad and, unfortunately, (this is completely true) I have the same initials that Nemesis personal assistant. So, she started to get mad and more mad saying that it was all a game played with her… That we were fooling her… I tried to explain it to her but in that moment she did not wanted to hear any explanation. She was so mad that it did not matter what I would said to her, but she continued harassing me. That was when I wished to be dead and I almost finished with myself. I had all the blame from my family, partners, the stalker… inside of me. That I thought that I really had the fault of everything that happened in this universe. If that made me not hungry at all, imagine how you can feel if your father is eating your food or giving it to the dog. Even now, I have to eat alone in my office or bedroom because I can swear that I feel less observed and judged eating a huge dish of fish and chips in front of the Tower of London in the middle of a tourist attraction than in my own home. All that I eat, all that I wear it is wished for others with an anxiety that sometimes you cannot even imagine.
The Beatles. Picture by Help! the film courtesy of United Artist.
However, the problem get worse. To that person joined others with the same problem: all of them thought that the other was the “rockstar” and they got more confused between them, until the point that some of them really lost the concept of reality. I tried to explain to them which was the real situation but The One Who Should Not Be Named was very quick in delete all kind of comments which tried to explain any misunderstood. Unfortunately, this people preferred to believe a lie that affront the reality, in fact, most of them still want to believe that lie. Girls, I do not deny that your “rockstar” can make any comment in his page and he likes to play hide and seek. Now, I do not care anymore if you hurt between yourselves your feelings or not. But what I cannot really permit it is that you still confusing this site with his work and that you mix my fiction stories or my poems in your head as they have been written from him to you.
I remember what one of you told me once. She said, that the comments that I made (almost three years ago) or the stories that I have wrote only could have been written by him because he is the most talented person in the whole universe. Well, I do not know if he has talent or not but I can swear that he is not the only one with talent in this universe and all that written stuff which tried to help you, to tell you that you should be free, to follow the light and no the darkness it was me, not him. Despite of what you have read, I try to see the positive side in everything and I like to encourage others to do the same because I know how hard it is when you do not have nobody whom can help you with it. However, I still being the witch, the evil… which it is playing with your heads and who is trying to marry with your “rockstar” and if not, it is me who is playing the card of the victim to try to have your compassion and your mercy to later I can scre* you again and again. Do you know how you made me feel most of the days? Do you know what I want to scream? I am going to give you a clue: it start with F and it finish with U.
And then, there is the more crazy stuff: that I do not know if the message that you leave in my site it is for him, for his brother, bandmates, assistants, girlfriends or for me but, anyway it is nuts. Seriously, do you really think that for the simply fact that I had a picture a year ago of a table with a coffee and the newspaper Le Monde in my profile of the Nemesis Vy** virtual site, that was a secret code from Nemesis brother towards to you telling you which is his favorite spot in Paris to take coffee with you? Do you really think that for the fact of like U2 we are soulmates? That we should marry? Sure! Let’s marry with 100 million people more too. Oh! that you and I are unique because both love coffee. Really? Don’t tell me? How many thousands of millions more?
Really, this does not have any sense to me. So, if you want to keep hurting one to each other fine. I am not in your games but do not come to my site asking to mercy and comprehension because I cannot give you that, not anymore. Not after all the games that you have played and the “rockstars” played creating more of that dementia which really attracts to more fans, but at which prize are you getting your numbers rise? If you are musician you depend of your music and no of magic tricks to confuse the audience. If you are confusing your audience with mirrors and masks you are creating doubt. And, in a future, maybe they cannot legitimate your image or your work. That is a fact.
I never wish nothing bad to nobody and I have not any plan to start to doing it. However, when I told you that I wished to die, I lied. A part of me really died in that times and in the successive years of mercy that I gave to some of you trying to help you. It is a deep wound which starts in the middle of my heart and goes down crossing my body and parting my soul in two. And this wound, which probably will never heal, it was not made because somebody decided that it was fun to play mental games and reveal personal messages to all the stalkers so they could have more fun and entertainment. It is not because all the information that I said to anybody was filtrated, even if it was a lie and I saw how several of you get fun about it. That wound, it is because you really confirmed what I expected for long. Love, compassion, sense of care, respect… They do not exist in our world and whoever who tries to sell you that, it is really good telling stories or creating marketing promotions. People lives in a fantasy and they do not want to wake up of it because it is much better to keep dreaming with to be a super famous actress/actor or to buy Dior than to worry about finish with the poverty.
Thank you to all of you who has stepped at any moment of my life. All of you HELP me a lot, despite you do not know, because you made me like I am. Now, I think you know, more or less, why I never worry in ask for HELP. Because when I did: or it has not come, or the chaos ate everything. So better, just let it go and Let It Be.
*With “anything” I mean something that you wish or something special.
**Everybody knows that salads are very unhealthy.
*** Later, when you are a grown up, you learn that in some houses the birthday party it is not about the person who was been born that day. It is about let others arrange a party as they would like it to have theirs. Also, let them can eat what they love, not what you love. This means, that when bigger the party huge it is the problem until the point that if you are going to marry it is not going to be your wedding, it is going to be the wedding that your mother would liked to have but she could not. CONFESSION: This is the biggest reason and excuse that I have to do not marry.
**** Textual words, even from the family members older than me.
***** Crazy means she had a post part depression because she never wanted to have children but abort it was not allowed. Then, that became a bipolar mental illness.