Cookie Monster Cupcakes

Me, Cookie Monster, it’s going to be the one this week will explain to you the post. My friend Esther, had work, work, work so she let me write in her blog. Me excited because Me knows there are a bunch of good folks out there who like her and who love her. She’s a good monster as Elmo and I. But, there are some naughty kids who do not deserve cookies at all. Bad boys, girls too.

Well, Me had to resist to do not eat cupcakes before to share it with you. They are made with chocolate chip cookies! Ahhhhh! Me cannot, Me cannot resist anymore.

Cookie Monster Cupcakes 1copylow

Ingredients: (2 dozen cupcakes)

– Cookie Batter

– 1 1/2 cups GF flour

- 1/4 teaspoon baking soda

- 1/4 teaspoon sea salt

- 1/2 cup vegetal shortening, softened

- 1/4 cup white sugar

- 1/2 cup brown sugar

- 1 egg

- 2 teaspoons vanilla extract

- 1 cup miniature semisweet chocolate chips

– Cupcake Batter

- 3 cups GF flour

- 3 cups sugar

- 1 teaspoon baking soda

- 1 1/3 cups water

- 1/3 cup canola oil

  • 3 eggs

- Chocolate Frosting

  • 500gr vegetal cream

  • 1/2 cup brown sugar

  • 250gr chocolate for melting (your choice chocolate)

  • Easy version: Nutella hahaha

How To DO it:

1. First go cookies, after… Ohhh Me cannot wait…. The rest. Whisk the three first things of the first list. It means: 1. flour, 2. baking soda, 3. salt. In other bowl beat vegetal shortening with the two types of sugar until it looks like a cream. Mix the powder mixture to this and after add all the chocolate chips that you can. Mix it again. Me resisting, no eat. No eat… Take a spoon and separate the batter in 1 spoon ball sizes. Then, chill and freeze 2 hours.

2. Frosting needs to chill too. So now goes this. Ask your parents to put a pot on the stove and warm the vegetal cream. It’s like the non-vegetal one but made with soy beans. Dissolve sugar and melt chocolate. Once everything looking like hot chocolate without marshmallows. Let it chill a bit then beat it until it will come whipped chocolate cream. Chill, a lot…

3. Cupcake. Mix dry ingredients. Beat eggs 1, 2, 3. And add water and canola oil. Beat again, add dry things and mix. That’s it, not chocolate chip.

4. Warm your oven 200ªC (350ºF). Me don’t know exactly what this means but Cookie Monster trust Esther. In a baking sheet add cupcake liners put one cookie ball in each liner. No, Me are not eating them! I am good… Fill half of the cupcake liner with the cupcake batter. Bake it for 20 minutes. If there are so many chocolate chip cookie balls you can bake cookies and after use them for top the cupcakes. Cannot Me eat them yet?

5. Me so impatient. This process of cook cookies is longer than the three movies of the Lord of the Rings. It’s so much waiting. Cupcakes have not chilled yet but I think I can frost them. Wait. Why is the frosting melting on the cupcakes? It’s okay. I know how to fix it. NOMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOM

Me, Cookie Monster, is a good chef. Not so good as my friend Esther. I only know how to prepare cookies and to eat them but I am a good friend. Me shares recipe with you. Me share the Cookie Monster Cupcakes in a picture. Good luck!

When the Baboos Watch the Sun

This is a childish poem which belongs to a longer piece but like some weeks ago I shared some inspired art based on this. I have thought it was good to share it. However, like it is very short I would like to share with you another point which I think it is important.

Probably, the ones who follow me on Twitter have read about my morning quest. I was looking for some peanut butter chocolate snacks or bars to celebrate Oscar’s. I said it is a quest because it is. You can define it as Esther Lopez and the Lost Chocolate Bar. This film starts in supermarket where everybody is like Borat but without that fancy swimsuit. No, seriously, certain things are not easy to acquire where I am from. We are a strange culture. I mean, if you ask any Spanish they are going to tell you how poor they are when, in fact, most people is not.

I do not really like candies or chocolate bars. In fact, I should not eat them because they are not good for my royal blood type. Long story… Anyway, the case is that the best that I have could find it was this: https://instagram.com/p/zXPp8BC0gE/

I tried long ago the Twix one but I did not know how the others taste. So, I have bough a few of them. At the supermarket door it was a black african woman asking for help. She was not asking for money, only food.  I told her: “Do you want chocolates?” She did not know exactly what I meant because her Spanish it is not very fluid. I showed her the packs and I started to open them. She said: “Good, good. For girls, for my little girls”. I gave two of the small packs of one brand and I started to open the other to gave to her two more. In the third pack she stopped me. She told me that I was very generous but it was not necessary. Honestly, I had given to her the whole packs and I would be without nothing to celebrate the Oscars.

I do not know in your countries, folks, but in mine, nobody gives nothing. I am not going to explain with detail why I never have presents even in some selected dates or why if I want to taste certain things I must to hide them. Leaving to one side my personal family situation I can assure you that, where I am from, people only tends to keep things with selfish intentions and it is very weird to find someone who wants to share.

I am aware that most of you have not experimented hungry and I do not mean to skip a meal for several reasons. I mean, to be days without eat or to be eating so small portions which are the same than do not eat nothing. I did, I had friends who did and not for pleasure or to archive enlightenment. It was because we had to decide between to pay the rent in LA or to eat and no one of us had the right to work in that country to get some cash to can have something in our mouths.

It is extremely shocking when you met some of the most talent african actors/ actresses in that city and they told you that the celebration meal in their families it is a roasted sweet potato. When they look around and they see how easy and “cheap” it is to get fried chicken, they confess you that thanks to the chicken offer price of that fast food restaurant they are going to eat enough chicken to do not have to worry the rest of their live or until they will win an Academy Award. That scene happened in a cold morning before to start shooting. This african friends were having fried chicken as breakfast.

A lot of people is not really aware of the difficult situations that a lot of human beings are suffering out there. Personally, I know how it feels to grow up without having a bunch of things or to have tasted it. My situation is different, it was not because I could not afford them. It was because I grow up in the lie: “you could not afford them”. That lie made me pass each month in Los Angeles with four potatoes, two lettuces, tons of lentils, chickpeas and flour. So, when I see somebody who is in need I try to give my best.

Maybe, the kids of this african woman that I met today they have already tasted that brand of chocolates. Maybe they will not like them because each one has a different taste but maybe I will make their day. I do not know that and, certainly, if I tell this story to my personal circle they are going to tell me that I am crazy for to have gifted that “expensive” treat to someone but I am going to confess you something: You do not have idea of how good you feel being crazy and suffering this kind of insanity.

So, folks, share more. You are not going to be able to change the people who does not want to be changed to improve themselves but, if you want, you can change and feel better with yourself.

When the Baboos Watch the Sun 

When the Baboos Watch the Sun. Pastel and watercolor on a binder.

When the Baboos Watch the Sun. Pastel and watercolor on a binder.

When the baboos watch the sun,
two things only can think:
“Where are their hats?” And…
“When will they have feet?”

“This is boring” sentenced Baboo One;
“I don’t know what to think” said Baboo Five;
“Baboos don’t think” corrected Baboo Two;
“Don’t say it, don’t say it!” screamed Baboo Three;
“We, baboos, can only stare at this” explained Baboo Four;

The sea was calm, blue and warm,
The waves lightly touched the baboos heads
The sun rays made the water shine
The baboos, half wet, half dry
Kept there staring at the sun.

“Are we going crazy or what?” sentenced Baboo One;
“Crazy it is only a tag” said Baboo Five;
“We are not going anywhere, dear?” corrected Baboo Two;
“Quiet, quiet, quiet!” screamed Baboo Three;
“We, baboos, can only look at this” explained Baboo Four;

And this is the baboos’s life,
It does not matter if it is one,two or five.
This creatures were born privileged
Having the most beautiful views nobody has seen
but that’s it.
Because a Baboo cannot think about it.

Why You Should Buy a Diamond

Romeo+Juliet. Picture courtesy 20th Century Fox

Romeo+Juliet. Picture courtesy 20th Century Fox

Today, it is one of the most saddest days of the year. Today, several couples around the world join together in some sort of mating ritual to celebrate a death. Today, hundreds of years before this era Valentine died as martyr.

Probably you do not know why he died. His story it is not very clear but it is very tragic. It seems he was condemned to death. He was beaten with clubs and stones but he did not died. So, Claudius II ordered to behead the poor Valentine. Then, he finally died but not at all. It seemed that before his torture he sent a letter to the jailer’s daughter who who was suffering from blindness. The letter, made her recover her sight and it was signed at the end as “Your Valentine”.

Casualties of the destiny. The poor Valentine died in the middle of a pagan tradition called Lupercalia, which it was the festivity dedicated to Lupercus: a wolf god which it was the patron of shepherds. In his honor, a goose and a dog were sacrificed. It was also some sort of orgy celebration. However, I am going to let that my old friend Plutarch explain it to you better:

Lupercalia, of which many write that it was anciently celebrated by shepherds, and has also some connection with the Arcadian Lycaea. At this time many of the noble youths and of the magistrates run up and down through the city naked, for sport and laughter striking those they meet with shaggy thongs. And many women of rank also purposely get in their way, and like children at school present their hands to be struck, believing that the pregnant will thus be helped in delivery, and the barren to pregnancy.

Ok, now you now the boring basics. Time for the fun part because I am sure that most of you have not gotten the sarcasm…

I’m going to confess you something. I have always disliked Valentine’s Day. I think it is the most stupid festivity of the year. Seriously, why are people obsessed to get a “Valentine” one day at year if you could have the choice to have it 366 days each year? (Cheers up for the leap-years)

If somebody will give me the opportunity to choose between have an “unforgettable day” and to have somebody who will really care of me and who show me his affect each day of his life I will not doubt for an instance. Option two for sure and I think the common sense of the majority chooses the same option: two. So, why there is a bunch of people out there acting like whippersnappers? Of course, later they do not get what they were imagine in their heads and they become extremely depress. “OMG! What a cruel world. Do you know how hard it is to get back to reality?” Hold on, have you been in Matrix?

Claire Danes in Romeo+Juliet. Picture courtesy 20th Century Fox

Claire Danes in Romeo+Juliet. Picture courtesy 20th Century Fox

Sadly, I must to admit that I have heard that phrase about to come back to the reality in more than an occasion: literally. In special, after this dates or when people have come back from holidays. “What a strange world we live in…” said Alice to the Queen of Hearts. Alice was right, bloody right.

Probably most of you are thinking: “Ha! She’s the typical one who hates Valentine’s Day because she has never received nothing in this day.” No, dear, despite my way to express myself it is quirky and weird for some folks* and they consider me odd that does not make me foolish.

When I was 12 years old, my friends decided that we were grown up enough to have a boyfriend and to have a serious relationship. So, between them, they arranged to all of us a partner. That was one week before Valentine’s Day, so long ago. I remember that I gifted to my Valentine a watch. He gifted me a small bag not bigger than my hand with candies. I am weird, I do not like candies. The other girls took the bag and they ate the sweets. Next week, my friends told me that he had broken with me because our relationship could not work in the distance. That was my first Valentine.

Years later, I received a disgusting Valentine Card as a “fun game” for other girls on the high school. To try to make you understand it, this girls were the queen bee and her entourage. The letter was anonymous but their stupid laughs delated them. It was a mix between a very bad prose, porn and the bad imitation of the character of a fictional teenage boy obsessed with me and sex. Things like: “When I see you, my body feels like a volcano on the verge to enter in eruption…” Yes, pretty things like that. Of course, these girls did not had the same fun when I won the writing award of the high school for a fiction tale that I wrote but what I am going to do… It is me the one expresses wrong not them.

Since then, I have never thought about Valentine’s Day. Seriously, I did not. My first crush was Basil the Great Mouse Detective and I will never forget him. Sorry, folks, he left very high the battens.

I remember that when I was in that teen years everybody had a crush with Leonardo DiCaprio. It was for that tedious movie called Romeo+Juliet. After, it became Titanic and the global Leo addiction became worst. In special, I had a friend who had a very serious crush with Leo. She had her whole pencil case covered with pictures of Leo, and when I say WHOLE, I mean WHOLE. It was awkward. Each time that I looked at my left several Leos were looking at me with strange faces and deep sights. One day, I tried to draw to one of the Leos a mustache. She almost killed me for try to spoil and harm one Leo’s face with my pen. Creepy…

Leonardo DiCaprio

Leonardo DiCaprio in Romeo+Juliet. Picture courtesy 20th Century Fox

Anyway, Love is a dangerous thing. I know how it can disorder a mind. I have lived it in my own family. So, it is not that I run away from LOVE. It is that REAL LOVE it is very difficult to find. Furthermore, it is very weird that I find someone who I like. Let me explain this better.

Going back to my teen years. I had a friend, who sadly she is not my friend anymore but who I really miss most of the times. She was like a sister to me and she was one of the few people in this planet whom I could have great conversations. Unfortunately, some dreams are broken and with them people change and they do not want to be at your side anymore. We were just kids, but we both disliked Barbie dolls. Our main conversations were about horror movies and X-Files. Do you remember that television series? She wanted to be like Scully and I wanted to be ginger like I was born. Anyway, it was fun that time expended with her.

One day we were walking and we started to make a list of our “lovers”. I mean, all this famous people whom you use to have crushes. I said three: Brad Pitt, Ronan Keating and Michael J. Fox. Ok, I confess… maybe George Clooney too. In her list it was 112 people, all of them actors, singers…

What I pretend to say with this. It is that a lot of people confuses LOVE with admiration or sexual attraction but, in any case, that feeling it is not infatuation. It is normal meanwhile you are a teen and your hormones are making you experiment things but, after, you have a problem.

Anyway, do not take me as a reference or an example because I am very weird. Seriously, that I consider Brad Pitt handsome it does not mean that I want to have sex with him or to marry him. It is complicated to explain to most of you but I must see something in the brain. I have told you, Basil left very high the battens.

However, let’s go back to the main purpose of this compilation of words: LOVE, symbolism and Valentine’s Day. Well, it is not that I disliked this day but since 4 years ago, I hate it. I hate this corny day and all the days before. Why? Not because of me. Honestly, I have never cared about February 14th but, four years ago things changed.

Leonardo DiCaprio and Claire Danes in Romeo+Juliet. Picture courtesy 20th Century Fox

Leonardo DiCaprio and Claire Danes in Romeo+Juliet. Picture courtesy 20th Century Fox

The story is long, some of you already know it, so I am going with the short version. Somebody confused my persona with a famous bearded, hairy singer and his assistant. We both share the same initials but hey! Estée Lauder and Evangeline Lilly too. Please, go to mess with them.

Anyway, like I am tired to try to explain that I do not want to be involved in nothing related to Mars. I am not going to continue explaining it but some folks still coming to my site messing around and for that I hate this dates.

It was a year, I do not really remember exactly which one, but they made a concert in Paris on this date. You cannot imagine how many stupid messages of “lovers” I received about “Be my Valentine in Paris” and later, when he did not assisted to all that dates, the quantity of messages that I received, shouting me because I did not go to the date. Do you really want to know more about why I hate this dates? It is nuts but at least, it is almost over. So, I think, this year it has been more calm down than the past ones. Although, just in case, I repeat again: “I am not him and even less her secretary/ assistant… whatever she is. I do not care. I will eat alive the next one who will suggest something about it. Clear?”

I think, most of these folks have confused to LOVE him with the sense of admiration that I have mentioned you before. Probably, most of them, they have also confused the desire or lust for his body with his LOVE. However, I am not psychologist I have only studied psychology as a part of the narrative aka storytelling. Nothing else, so I am not going to tell you who is in love with WHO and who is not. I let that up to you but, please, let me aside of your love affairs. They are not interesting at all.

Usually, when somebody develop an infatuation for someone. They find in their heads a bunch of reasons about why this person it is the right for them. It happens the same, but inverse, when somebody thinks the other person it is not the adequate. I live for create stories and characters. I know a bit about this human defects.

Leonardo DiCaprio and Claire Danes in Romeo+Juliet. Picture courtesy 20th Century Fox

Leonardo DiCaprio and Claire Danes in Romeo+Juliet. Picture courtesy 20th Century Fox

For this reason, I think it is much better to test. Honestly, I love to scare Valentine’s with my Wednesday style. Ok, sometimes I am not so creepy but I could be. I am using this method since I remember the boys started to approach with THAT intentions. It works. If you want to rid away somebody, girls, just start to talk about babies, family or test them in the kitchen. It never fails.

However, do not think I hate man. In fact, when I was young I had more conversations with boys than girls. I was a bit tomboy. They called me lesbian for that but the other day they called me moll just for wear my solitaire ring and talk about when I was in Hollywood. So, who cares?

Anyway, ladies, have you noticed that when a man has a crush he never says “I’m in love with…”? They tend to say, that girl is hot, they want to have sex with her… But most of them do not use the word love. Why? Because it is different. To really love someone requires time. It is not a Valentine’s perfect date in which you have sex and: “OMG, it is the best that has happened to me in my whole life.”

To love someone it is to clean his/her shit almost all the days of your life and stand side to side, for the good and for the bad. Unfortunately, life has more bad than good but that is to really love someone. The rest it is all bullshit.

“Oh, I had a dream I was with him having a very romantic dinner and he later touched me and we made very wild sex on the couch. Then, we went out and we enjoyed being together. He held my hand and suddenly some paparazzi approached to us and we run…” Lovely, so you did not take a shower after the wild copulation. I cannot imagine how you could smell, better I do not think about it and I keep in doubt. Are the dishes still on the table or your imaginary maid has cleaned them for you?

See? That was only an example of what some people creates in their heads but that is not real. When you try your ideal world became a reality it is when couples tend to break up.

Do you want to know when this celebration of the Valentine Cards and all that stuff started? It was in the 18th century. In that times marriages were arranged. In fact, it stills like that in our days in some countries.

Leonardo DiCaprio in Romeo+Juliet. Picture courtesy 20th Century Fox

Leonardo DiCaprio in Romeo+Juliet. Picture courtesy 20th Century Fox

The problem with that deals it was that they did not have in mind the behavior of each subject in the couple. It was only pure economical interests. For that reason, the parents tried to marry the girls when they were still teens. Using that method and marrying them with a men older than the girl, they attributed the experience of the men as wisdom and the lack of understanding in the girls as “you need maturity”. If the woman did not feel happy with her husband it was because she was not mature enough to understand him or his necessities. In the other hand, he acted as a father/protective figure that she should respect. Love was not contemplated at all because it was in the common culture that LOVE it is not a feeling. To love it was to be with a person all your life bearing all kind of behaviors and manias.

However, in that ages, they really know about to FALL IN LOVE which it is very different. It was considered an illness, like a fever. You can call it Bieber fever if you want it. It tends to pass like a fashion trend but it does not stand for long.

Like it was a moment in which there was a bunch of women not-satisfied with their husbands. A genius decided to incorporate this old myths about St. Valentine and Lupercalia and create a new festivity in which, it did not matter if you hate your wife or husband you must show some love and respect to the other.

They took one of St. Valentine symbols: the roses, and they transformed in the special flower as a declaration of love. The birds start to mate in this time so they used that symbol too. And, for excellence, they took that legend about the last Valentine’s letter and they transformed it in the official “Love declaration format of these dates”. Do you want to know more about to date someone in that times?

Well, girls, you cannot wear white clothes if you are not virgin. Sorry ladies, that trend it is not for a bunch of you. Umbrellas and hats mean that you have social status because not everybody could afford a hat or an umbrella. Most of the times, when a girl walked with an umbrella in a sunny day it was not only for protect her skin. She was saying that she came from a wealthy family. Black dresses, were saying that you are a widow, or you are not virgin. In any case, it was a visual symbolism that you were ready to have another mate. Usually, prostitutes wore that color, until it became a widowed symbol and the molls started to wear bright colors.

Claire Danes in Romeo+Juliet. Picture courtesy 20th Century Fox

Claire Danes in Romeo+Juliet. Picture courtesy 20th Century Fox

As you see, in the end, it is the same that the animals do in the wild for mating. We use clothes and they use their feathers or fur, but it is the same. In fact, some men fight for girls like harts do…

And about the diamond… Why you should buy one? Well, like this arranges started to do not be a safety “investment”. In part, because: men lie, they have affairs, they are sinners, who is going to save his soul… Please, feel the tragedy of that times… Women started to say: “Ok, I am going to marry with you but if you suddenly decide that I am not good for you. You are going to dump me out of the house with our children. So I want something, in exchange of my services, that will assure my economical situation in case that you do not want to be with me anymore.” And here it comes the ring with the diamond on it. It was not only a sign of engagement, if not, an very valuable object which it could save for economical difficulties on the future.

So yes, ladies, if you are not sure about the loyalty of your partner or “rock-star lover” ask for diamonds and gold. They always revalue in the market and this is a fact since the middle of the 18th century. To know history is wisdom.

In other hand, if you still preferring to have a crush with each man which cross your path: “OMG. Ian Somerhalder… You are so sexy. I wish to crash with him when I get out of the Starbucks and we both have a crush and we fall in love to each other…”

You can do it. In our days, people change lover as they do with clothes but it is accepted. So keep on it if you want, but do not dream with “be happy your whole life” because that it is not compatible. That is not LOVE neither it is to have STYLE. When somebody has STYLE it does not matter if he/she wears brands or not. It does not matter if they are wearing the last line from a clothing store or not. LOVE and STYLE are not about trends or crushes. They are about to show who you are and to be loyal to it. Call it as you prefer, but most of the people out there are not loyal even to themselves. So, how is the majority of the world going to speak about LOVE or STYLE to others? Let, them talk. What they say, even if it is about you. It is not your business.

Love died long ago in the place and era where Shakespeare took his inspiration to write Romeo and Juliet.

Rest in Peace: Saint Valentine.

*(even in my mother language which it is not english)

How to Make a Movie and Don’t Die Trying It

 

Michael Keaton in Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance). Picture courtesy Fox Searchlight Pictures.

Michael Keaton in Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance). Picture courtesy Fox Searchlight Pictures.

Prolog

This text is a resume of the long paining road which it supposes to make a movie. Of course, this text does not only includes films because to try to release something in television or in theater, it has almost the same road to travel. Music industry it is quite different because it includes less actors in the developing process BUT, it is a pain in the ass too. So for all the ones who want to know more about how to make movies: “Here I come”; but I warn you… As everybody in the industry seems to be a master in the art of filthy words. I am not going to be less, and maybe you can find in this text some Tarantino inspired dialogs.

First Act: The Story
Some people thinks that movies born from dreams. Which means that they basically think that movies grow up like the tomatoes that you have sowed in your orchard: you can think about them all the time but you cannot pick them until they are reddish and juicy enough to make a good soup. However, films are not tomatoes, neither potatoes or peas.

It is truth that some writers develop stories because they have dreamed about them but they do not become so easy to make. One thing, it is to dream about it and other, completely different, it is to know how to tell a story, which it is really an art that a lot of people try to master.

Not everybody working in the filming industry it is a good storyteller, neither are all the people working in Hollywood. Some of this people are simply there because they were family of a good storyteller, for a chance of luck or because their managers and agents are very good in their job. That is the sad reality.

Despite this shocking reality, some people insist in tell: “for to work in Hollywood, or in the filmmaking industry, you must be terrific”. Let me remember you the strange case of a British overweight storyteller who was acclaimed as the Master of Suspense. Alfred Hitchcock directed tons of films and it is almost impossible to meet a human being who have not seen or heard about one of his films. However, he never won an Academy Award in his life. Why? Because one thing it is what audience says and other, very different, what Hollywood says.

Other example of a good storyteller whom have never seemed attracted for Hollywood it is Woody Allen. Not sure how many of you know the story but when he started with his films nobody in the USA wanted to watch them. The critic reviews were awful, depressing… it seemed that everybody wanted to kill him. Wait, maybe this is the reason why he goes to the psychoanalyst in almost all his movies… Hmm, I will think about it later… Well, the case is that if it was not for the troop of crazy Frenchs who invented the Nouvelle Vague probably today we will not know the old Woody. Can you imagine a world without Annie Hall? Jesus, it must be depressing…

Michael Keaton in Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance). Picture courtesy Fox Searchlight Pictures.

Michael Keaton in Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance). Picture courtesy Fox Searchlight Pictures.

Anyway, do not be surprised by this affirmation but all the ones who work in the film industry are a bit nuts. No, nuts in the aspect that they need to be in an asylum but all of us are nutty as a fruitcake: sweet and delicious. Think in the Mad Hatter, Alice in Wonderland and all that stuff. We have so much pressure at our backs that our nuts get a bit loose but it is necessary to create good stuff. So, do not worry kids, if you see the world in different colors than others and everybody points a finger at you. You are not a cuckoo, you can officially come to the club of storytellers and make others enjoy with your vision of the world. NOTE: Not LSD users approved. This is a request and yes, they make you drugs tests. Impossible to cheat or you have been born with the GIFT or you can dedicate to other stuff.

The problem with stories it is that everybody thinks that they have something to tell, when in fact they do not. Today, we are living a crazy multimedia times in which everybody with the access to a phone with camera thinks that they can do it better than Tarantino. I really want to see Tarantino shouting at them to see how they are going to shoot the iconic trunk scene making that it will have sense with the rest of their story.

A lot of people in filmmaking thinks that a story it is very easy to tell. You simply take a camera (when better image, better it is going to be your film. Fact which it is wrong) and you start to copy your favorite scenes from acclaimed movies. Most of them simply think in zombies…, Tarantino…, blood, fuck you, you motherfucker asshole… etc, etc… This folks tend to be what we use to call “perfectionist”. I mean, they are like Kubrick: making 127 shoots of the same scene because Tom Cruise has not opened the door as Kubrick visualized it; and, in the meantime, they are annoying and making upset the whole crew. I am not sure about Kubrick because I did not meet him but this folks does not have a story prepared at all. They are improvising and making jumps from one side to other and that is not storytelling.

Later, there is the other bunch of folks (whom seriously, they have me quite tired) that they come to you asking for “the screenplay that will make them win an award”, in special Sundance. I do not know why the festival that Robert Redford created long ago has this kind of myth surrounding it in which, if you win, everything it is going to be fabulous for your career. I do not know, really.

I had a teacher who won Sundance, who was an Academy Nominee an who has released a major film with really great actors and who is not having easy at all to develop his new project. In fact, I met him before he released his major film but he already had that awards and I am sure he was teaching us because he needed the cash. Sometimes, between one project and other your life can be a mess. So do not think that to win an award it is going to save your ass because it WILL NOT.

Going back to the folks who think in to make stories to win awards… If you go for that path you are thinking wrong. Just think about what I have wrote before about Hitchcock and Allen.

Michael Keaton and Edward Norton in Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance). Picture courtesy Fox Searchlight Pictures.

Michael Keaton and Edward Norton in Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance). Picture courtesy Fox Searchlight Pictures.

Later, there are this other kind of folks who send you their screenplay asking you to fix them. Folks, I made this once, for free. Now I understand why some credited screenwriters have that abusive fares to do this kind of jobs. Oh my goodness… I do not understand how all this people can even walk around the Earth proclaiming that they are storytellers. ( Insert a huge Macauley Culkin scream here)

One of the basics of any story is: “What is it about?”. If I ask that question to the one who has written it and he does not know how to answer me, this means that it is not a story, it is just a relate of events. If even that, I suggest the things he can do to improve it (Never say a person what he must do. He has his own will to do what he wants) and he is not open to change nothing… Why do you come to me? To tell me that you made an amazing job and to feed your ego? or to waste my time? See, this people cannot go far in this industry and I am going to explain you why.

Part 2: Ok. I have my story. Now what?
Well, darlings, welcome to the show because now it really starts your own via crucis.

Let’s say that you really know about what your story is about and you have finished your amazing screenplay. Then, you have two options: A. The Indi Way ; B. The Long Path Towards Infinity

A. The Indi Way
Think about this like you are going to be the main actor of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. You are going in a dangerous quest to recover the Cross of Colorado and when you have already recovered it you discover that your father has been kidnaped so you must save him meanwhile you are researching for the Chalice of Christ. When you finally save your father you are not going to get the Chalice, you are going to lose the “hot girl” and before that a bunch of folks will try to kill you. Yes, this really are the Indi ways. Why?

Because you go with your screenplay in a quest where nobody will give you a coin, so you must get the treasure to shoot your film by yourself. You are not going to have money to even pay for a newspaper or a coffee so you are going to look for your disappeared father to see if he gives you some cash. He is almost going to die of the budget fright that you are going to put on him. Your girlfriend/ boyfriend it is going to fly away because you are weird and “obsessed” with a thing which “never is going to have success”. Your crew are going to be colleagues which they are going to “try to help you” but in most of the cases they are going to mess up more than really “help”. You know that scene:

After your bestie has stumbled with one of 5K Kelvin lights:

Bestie
“Dude! Why this shit must to have three legs it is always one the middle of the door and everything”

The light has crashed, maybe it is not broken but your heart it is already telling you that probably you are going to have a serious heart attack if you continue in this profession.

The rooms where are you going to shoot are basically not bigger than the coffin where Indiana and the lady protect of the fire in the Tomb of the Chevalier. Which it is the reason everybody is hitting others… getting upset and it is impossible to record good sound because it always pass around a motorcycle or a plane when you are filming the scene. ALWAYS.

Michael Keaton and Edward Norton in Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance). Picture courtesy Fox Searchlight Pictures.

Michael Keaton and Edward Norton in Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance). Picture courtesy Fox Searchlight Pictures.

Everybody it is going to start to hate you and “try to kill you” because “who do you think you are, Kubrick?” Then, you will finish shooting, everybody will curse you even if you have payed to them all the eating and traveling expenses… and you will be in a “solo” in the edition room. Which it will be like the three quests before to get the Holy Chalice: “Pray, Spell, Believe” Even if you are not Han Solo style in the edition room you are going to have to overcome these quests. Because when you see all the raw material you get depress, really depress. Then you start to pray and make some magic and when it is done you finally must believe in yourself and in your baby if not you are really screw.

Continuing with the Indi ways. I must tell you that if you release your movie and nobody notice it. You probably will be stuck in the Chamber of the Knight forever and you will not go out of there. In other hand, if somebody notice you, they are going to get your Chalice and make of them a Magic Goblet. Which it is great because somebody it is going to tell you that you are good but your baby it is not going to be yours anymore and when you will want to go in a quest for another relic… You are going to be solo again because you are playing out of the system.

This method it is ONLY for the real adventurers.

B. The Long Path Towards Infinity
Here, you have your story. Of course, you have it copyrighted. If you are lucky and you have an agent you make him start to work. If not, you need to find one because, if not, you cannot advance in this path.

Let’s compare this path with the Snakes and Ladders game. You need an agent to have the opportunity to fall in the ladder square, time to time, to can advance a bunch of squares. If not, you are always going to fall in the snakes ones, which will bite you a lot and are not nice at all.

However, you cannot get an agent so easy as knocking them at their door. Trust me, I have tried it and it does not work. They are like a sybarite club where they decide who has potential and who do not. After all, darlings, everything it can be resume in: “who will give me the more benefits and who do not”. People who works in Hollywood are like the Wall Street stocks. The difference is that in California the brokers are called agents but it is almost the same game.

Well, you have your manager who helps you to find an agent and you have the story that you want that it will become a movie. Can you go to a huge studio telling them “here I am”? NO. Because there are something in between called syndicates. Which are good for somethings… but for others are just a big pain. This unions have some rules about who can and who can’t play in Hollywood and if you have not all the requirements that they specify you cannot play in Hollywood.

Michael Keaton in Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance). Picture courtesy Fox Searchlight Pictures.

Michael Keaton in Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance). Picture courtesy Fox Searchlight Pictures.

Unfortunately, I do not know all the norms from all the unions. For that God invented agents isn’t it? They learn that things for the creative people and they fight to try to get the best deal for their clients. Why? Because if they do not do that dirty job the creative people waste their time do not doing creative things and that, in long term, it is not productive for any part.

Agents not only fight with the syndicate rules they also fight with producers, which it is the filmmaking title more abused in our profession. Not all the people who is credited in a film is a “producer”, some of them are simply credited as a way of “thank you” because they have helped to resolve certain deals. Others, are on credits because they have put the money or they have found somebody who has invested in the film. However, others are credited in the film because their name is a “celebrity” (I like to call them brands) and simply for to be that name on credits there is more probability that people will go to watch the film. As example of this, you can take JJ Abrams. Not all the television series in which he is credited he is working 100% time on them. His name is used more like a brand than like the real producing job that he could be doing.

Once the producers, syndicates and agents have fought enough between them. The blood has arrived to several rivers and they have said to themselves all kind of compliments like: “Motherfucker”, “Bastard”, “I’m going to fuck you until dead if you don’t get that fucking deal now”… And they get the money, the movie starts a long process, which it will depend in longevity according to the type of the story.

This people are going to find a crew, actors… everything that your story will need to become true but all of them have the right to think about your story. So, almost all of them, it is going to change a bit of that story. The producer, will change this, the director will change that, the actor will change that other part… Your story will become a living thing where everything will be constantly in the flow. So, if you are not the kind of person who accepts changes forget about this system of work because you are going to get upset but you are not going to get anything.

Furthermore, when it arrives the filming days there are always changes. Probably you have thought that the story will happen in a sunny day. That day it rains cat and dogs. Maybe this will bring you more drama to the scene but, maybe it will screw it. Nobody knows.

A giant bird can show up in the middle of the production and make your movie better... in Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance). Picture courtesy Fox Searchlight Pictures.

A giant bird can show up in the middle of the production and make your movie better… in Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance). Picture courtesy Fox Searchlight Pictures.

The production designer has thought that it was better a green wall than a one red as it was in your story… A bunch of etc. This is one of the main reasons why screenplays are very short on description because it is useless to explain something which it is going to change thousands of times. This is, of course, the main reason, why some books are much better than the movie adaptation. Everything can be measured in the quantity of the changes. It is a proportional mathematic equation.

Although, if you are waiting to know where your story it is going to really change it is when it arrives to the edition room. Honestly, I love this process. I think it gives magic to any story. Honestly, once upon a time I wanted to be like Alma Reville: a great editor; but, right now, I prefer to write. Maybe because I do not have the option to edit and the new technologies advance extremely fast.

The edition room is where you give sense to all that changes that people has done in the story. So, basically, it is like rewrite it again. Some people hates this process. That is completely subjective but I firmly believe without a good edition and sound editing most of the films out there are pure crap.

However, do not be naive thinking that after all the edition process you can release that story and that is it. No, this is not how it works. When you are editing them, suddenly, one of your producers is overwhelmed by an insecurity attack. Which means, he will convoke screening tests with segmented audience. After that private passes. People it is going to fill a test and depending of the results the movie it is going back to the edition room, even it can go back to the filming set. Are you still thinking it is easy to make a film? We have not finished yet.

Part 3: The Release, or the Anguished Path Towards the Ignorance
“Finally! It arrived the moment! The Big Event! The Premiere! We are here waiting in the red carpet in front of the _____ Theater to offer you in exclusive the event of the history. What will wear our most beloved stars? Will surprise us this time the claimed director and producer with this new intriguing film? We will tell you everything in a few minutes but, meanwhile, enjoy this exclusive sneak peak from the most waited movie of the decade.”

Michael Keaton in Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance). Picture courtesy Fox Searchlight Pictures.

Michael Keaton in Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance). Picture courtesy Fox Searchlight Pictures.

And meanwhile, the anchor is saying all this extreme exaggerated words, thousands of people are watching this from their homes. Some of them thinking how disgraceful they are because they cannot assist to the event of the year, or because they are not going to see the movie first than others. Very, very, very sad. (last phrase was full of sarcasm)

Seriously, do you want to know what is a red carpet? It is a pain in the feet, in special, if you are a woman. If you are a man you can say it is a pain in the neck, in special, if you tend to be taller than all the ones who interview you. Have you noticed how all of them curve a bit their back to listen well the question in the middle of all that noise? Just saying where it hurts…

And the dresses and outfits… Brrr… Gorgeous, spectacular but most of them are harsh and not very practical for natural human routines, like pee. Furthermore, there is a mysterious curse which implies that it does not matter where or when it is the red carpet: it is always going to chill. So, after the event, ladies, you finish frozen, trembling as a tinker bell, deaf for all you fans support or share of love, with pain in your neck, back, feet, if you wore a girdle in that parts too.. your throat will be sore and probably you will be hungry because on red carpet events the catering is gorgeous but it comes in chocolate sizes. Just a bite and take care with your fingers!

Let’s going to recognize it. Not everybody is made with Lady Gaga paste. Seriously, this woman has the ability to wear the most uncomfortable looks and make the scene like if nothing happens… this is completely normal… Sure! Ask Christian Bale about how embarrassing was to ask help for pee wearing the Batman suit. Yes, to be a superhero is not easy neither… Can you think in a Stormtrooper…? Ok, I think you have got it.

What I am trying to explain is: “Do not let the shiny lights let you blind.” Not everything it is so wonderful like in a music video of Katy Perry.

It does not matter if this kind of red carpet events are because it is going to be released a new film or somebody it is going to win an award. Basically, they are all the same, with more cheerfulness or less depending of the moment and situation but nothing else. After all of them, you will come back hungry to your house or your hotel and everything will be closed. It is the golden rule.

However, here it is the paradox. When you will go, with your finished story, to any of this events you will not be thinking in the event, if not in all that depressed people in their homes who are not there with you. What they are going to think of your story it is what matters. Well, maybe you will have in mind why this people will think of your outfit too… Why? Because of that depends to have more opportunities to get better job offers or not. If not, ask Michael Keaton or Kevin Costner. Both have interesting stories to tell about how it does not matter how good you are in your career if people it is not constantly talking about you, you do not have the opportunity to access to the best roles, e.g. like they do with Jennifer Lawrence.

Andrea Riseborough Michael Keaton in Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance). Picture courtesy Fox Searchlight Pictures.

Andrea Riseborough Michael Keaton in Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance). Picture courtesy Fox Searchlight Pictures.

It works exactly the same for directors, screenwriters… Do not think this stupid rules only affect to the ones who show their faces on camera.

After all that circus mediaticus events you go back home and you and your story, are both at the mercy of the critics and this new era of youtubbers, bloggers… Were everybody believes he/she has the right to criticize and destroy your product without know nothing at all about all the things that happened before they can see it on the screen.

Each day, I firmly believe the pray that the father of an old friend of mine made constantly to God: “Thanks Lord for did not make ignorance can fly, if not, we could not see the sky.”

And here it is. Sometimes, between when the idea is conceived and the film is released it can pass more than 50 years, e.g. Unbroken. Other times, it follows the routine of one or two years. In any case, it is not easy at all. There are tons of ups and downs who audience it is not allowed to see. Even if you are watching a film which it is extremely bad… You know… that ones in which you decide to protest and reclaim your money back.

Why we do what we do? Because we are survivors, gladiators who can resist things that others cannot. For that and because, after all, we still being kids whom do not have grow up. When we are in a cinema looking the movie we are not looking at it, we are looking at you. If you enjoy it, you fill a missing piece which it is gone in our hearts: delight. Then, our toy heart will be fixed again and we will feel happy enough to become a kid again and to start to play. Creating dreams: our most beloved travail.

Michael Keaton in Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance). Picture courtesy Fox Searchlight Pictures.

Michael Keaton in Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance). Picture courtesy Fox Searchlight Pictures.

Pasta Bologna

I know. I am the devil and the karma it is going to treat me terrible bad because I eat animals. Which it means that as I am breaking the natural energy circle with my behavior, everything it is going to be wrong in my live. I am going to be cursed eternally and my life will be a full disaster with all kind of tragedies surrounding me… Ok, but if I am the devil it supposes that evil beings are great co-living in tragedy, disgrace and despair, isn’t it? We must remember that the Devil was once an angel but, in branding, you are what people calls you. Yep, this is completely starting to get shape, not sense. It had never sense since that terrible Hurricane. Anyway, I have never been agree with this PETA folks. I believe in a moderate intake of animal proteins, which of course it depends of the necessities of each body. But studying the human species history for long, I believe that if people does not breed chickens, cows… for eat them, probably they will be extinct in short term. Just like happened with Dodo bird: nobody find it an use, their feathers where fancy and people hunt it until they were no more feathers. Exactly what it is happening with elephants, rhinos… It is sad, but human beings need to find a use to everything, even to other human beings. If not, they kill the other species or folks until destroy them. As an unicorn that I am I know a bit about this kind of hunting parties, some days are worst than the witch hunting of the Salem times. Imagine how crazy this hunting parties are that one day, long ago, I decided to fly up to my rainbow cloud and to watch the hunt from it. They thought that I was on the field… That I was hiding in a disguise. So they started to hunt one to each other in a chaotic madness that this obsessed hunters tend to create. Yes, the hunt continues today just in an unknown field.

Oh, you are asking yourself why somebody wants to hunt this girl? Well, it is because I am an unicorn. Very difficult to find, very rare but extremely magical. I give luck and make magic and everybody wants a piece of me but noooo… You can call me devil, witch and that word with rhymes with the last one but it starts with b*. Unicorns does not have soulmates, neither jedis. We are in the Force blended just as one and if you try to hunt one of us your face will be full of warts. That’s the Unicorn Curse.

I think there is enough crazy written. Sorry, but I have a bunch of naughty kittens. If they could use their online talent to do things. They will be more powerful than kings; but they prefer to waste. So I answer them best I can.

Like this week it’s the crazy SuperBowl. I’ve thought in reinvent a classic; but with a bit of love. Sweet and spicy; meaty and saucy. If you taste this evil pasta; you’ll be eternally hungry.

Pasta Bologna

Pasta Bologna

Ingredients: (for 2 unicorns)

  • 500gr of GF pista (Pasta: penne, spaghetti…)

  • 250gr of rounded biiv (grounded beef)

  • 2 tbs Oreo Ano (oregano)

  • 2 babyleafs (also known as bay leaves)

  • 3 garlish cloves (garlic gloves)

  • 500gr cant tomatoos (canned tomatoes)

  • 2 tbs Olif the Loil (olive oil)

  • 2-3 tbs Suck’A (Sugar)

  • 1 tash Alt (dash Salt)

  • Pepper

  • Tabasquian Sauce at taste (Tabasco)

Preparation:

1. Take a pot and ad water inside of it, not outside. You will waste your time and water the other way. Bring the pot to boil. Add Alt, Oreo Ano and babyleafs. Boil until bubbles are formed and the babyleafs stop to scream. When you have the hot pot add the pista. Keep it there until is ready. That will depend of the one you will buy. Mine was so soft as you can see in the pic. It breaked!* I freaked! (*I know broke)

2. Drain the water and dry the pista. NOTE: Using paper towels is not a good idea.

3. In a sauce pan add Olif the Loil. Do not let it burn, he gets upset. Lightly fry the rounded biiv using a paddlo spatula to break the round shape. When it is Goldie Hawn take out of fire and reserve it for the final date. In the same pan add a bit of Olif, if you need it, and fry tomatoos. Please, discard the cant, that part of the tomatoos does not fry. It tastes metallic and it is hard to chew. Cook them at slow temperature for long time. An awesome tomatoo sauce it lasts four full moons to make but you can speed it… It will not be so awesome but it is okay

4. When it is almost ready, add the Suck’A, Alt, Pepper and Tabasquian to taste. You will know when the sauce is ready The Force will guide you. Add the biiv which it is not rounded anymore and lightly recooked on the sauce. Now the sauce is ready.

5. You can pour the sauce over the pasta and eat it or pour the pasta over the sauce. I let that to your choice, BUT if you choose option two and lightly mix all the awesome recipe in the pan meanwhile it stills hot until some of your pista gets crunchy: you will really know what it is awesomeness in a dish. It creates addiction. You later will not enjoy to eat more pasta if you don’t make it crunchy with the sauces, this is a warning.

NOTE: As you have noticed my english it is a bit weird. That’s because unicorns does not speak the same english as current humans do. Thinking about it… Do you know that with the exception of 1 person in this planet all the people who has told me that my english it is not good they are not “english speakers”? Hmmm… This deserves a post.

I hope you enjoy the SuperBowl, folks. I cannot watch that spectacle it is very violent for my unicorn sensibility… Better I will watch any horror movie or a Chuck Norris film. It is less brutal and intense. Have fun with Katy and Lenny! And good luck with the recipe. Please, remember to do not fry the can :)