I Think I’m Going To Die

I have told you so many times about all this virtual confusion which spins around the internet. It is like a global circus mediaticus which is broadcasted everywhere. However, between all this chaos I have found there is always people who is only interested in to be the focus of attention and to create drama. I did not know it but it seems I am so perfect an ideal that people fell in love of ME or HE. Not sure, because some folks have grammatical problems and like they do not want to express properly via letter or email. They do strange things which are very complicated to understand.

It seems, I had a virtual secret love affair with one of this fans. I did not know it but I am the WORST and I have broken his or her heart because I am not sure of the sex of this folk neither. It seems I feel so much anger towards… -Let’s call it “virtual creature”- that all that I post is an attack against his/her persona. “Je suis désolé” about it. So, I have written a breakup song which represents what most of my fans can feel and tell me if we breakup in the future. So, imagine an angry fan singing this, ok? I hope you hate it. I HATE YOU TOO. Have fun. Xo

I Think I’m Going To Die

Taylor Swift. Picture from the music video Blank Space courtesy Big Machine Productions.

Taylor Swift. Picture from the music video Blank Space courtesy Big Machine Productions.

It was a sad Saturday evening
when the world did not spin
Lonely in home. My computer and me
I found you. You looked so chic.
Then I decided we must meet.

Oh my God! You look great,
I can’t believe we’ve just met
Your my dream. Your my life.
Babe, I think I’m going to die…
Tonight.

You like Star Wars and I’m a trekkie too.
Can I call you my boo?
Mars rules, Britney sucks.
I can’t believe we both love U2

Oh my God! This is it,
I can’t believe we’ve just fit.
Your my dream. Your my life.
Babe, I think I’m going to die…
Tonight.

It has passed two weeks and something doesn’t work.
Babe, what’s going on?
Are you chatting at my back with that other folk?
This is not fair. I’ve given you ALL!
You can’t make this to me. Please, STOP!

Oh my God! I thought you was great,
I can’t believe you cheated me this way.
You were my dream. You were my life.
Babe, I think I’m going to die…
Tonight.

You’re just a lier more
Cannot you understand I felt alone?
This was a lie. This is a bad joke.
Babe, you don’t have a soul.

Oh my God! You are so fake,
I can’t believe we’ve just break.
You were my dream. You were my life.
Babe, I think I’m going to die…
Tonight.

Monthly Update

Hello, hello there… How is everything around the galaxy? Well, it seems quite nuts for the messages that I am receiving… I must confess I am not in one of the best moments of my life. I am having some kind of… “crisis”… Yeah, let’s call it that way… You know, it is confusing because I know who I am but it seems a bunch of folks does not have idea and after almost five year I am like: “Common… You cannot be serious with this stuff…” And the problem is they are. So, I do not know what to do because it seems my geniality is not mine. There is only one man in this planet who can have my intellect and he is actually from Mars. It is confusing, really, because it arrives a moment in which you are not really sure if the folks are saying that “I am” her soulmate or “He is” his soulmate. Well, thinking it better. Maybe we need here a basic English lesson:

1. Him: It is used when you talk about males. Also it is HE. Alright?

2. Her: It is used when you talk about FEmales. As it is SHE. Got it?

3. Its: It is used when you do not have clear the sex or when you talk about things: like robots, monsters, animals… O.K.?

I have decided one day I am going to edit an English method book with the help of Ellen. Because I have discovered a bunch of you: English speakers, do not know how to write or to speak english properly. Seriously, difference between “what” and “which”… “be beware”… Oh, dear… So, Ellen you have a job with me and it is going to be very funny because we are going to use pictures of “famous” to explain the language differences. You know, if we do not do it this way… People do not get it.

Anyway, I really know who I am because I am pretty sure HE does not pay my bills. No, no, he is not doing it… And, despite., what you think… when I will publish something it is going to have my name, not his, not Bart neither. It is just I have been born in the wrong country and there is so many bureaucracy to fix when you are playing the “Indi” ways.

However, my “crisis” it is not only for my identity or your messages. It is a… (I can’t say right now) very sad and emotional issue because it seems I have broken up with… a fan. Like the French folks say: “Je suis désolé.” I cannot think clear for this break up. Although, I am not sure if it is Me who has broken up or it is He… Well, anyway… It is sad. So I have written a song for this Saturday. I hope you hate it because it is dedicate to all the FANDOM (in big).

Apart of my life existential crisis. I am quite upset. Seriously, folks. Or you don’t like Marc Jacobs? Or you don’t know what is a “soulmate”? Nobody has participated on the contest. NONE. Just one person was interested in to buy the keychain but not in to write anything. You are all a bunch of boring pandas. WHY? I thought we will have fun with this… I am going to give you more time, okay? Maybe until Christmas you will have enough time to think about “soulmate”…? Is not so difficult, isn’t it?

More things… I have been nominated to an award. Yeah! To be exact is the: “Very Inspiring Blogger Award, Changuito-Flower version.” This is the link: https://josinynuri.wordpress.com/2015/03/18/selector-de-frecuencias/. I love the “Changuito-Flower”. Just awesome! I am not sure what I have to do right now but thank you very much, folk, for the nomination. It is fulfilling.

Also, it seems today is the release of a new song or something. Quite weird… I know… But why do not you click here and listen to it? Have fun folks. Xo

Daisy Dream by Marc Jacobscopylow

What You Want Cannot Be Found On a Store

Chanel Avenue Nº 5. Picture courtesy Chanel.

Chanel Avenue Nº 5. Picture courtesy Chanel.

Some weeks ago, I wrote some lines about why: “I will never buy Chanel” and some of you got a bit shocked by my arguments. It is normal. Chanel is a brand who everybody desires or aims to have. I understand, I will love to can afford to buy one Chanel jacket each day without the necessity to really buy it. It would mean, to be financially save… Who else shares this crazy dream with me?

Anyway, somebody has asked me why Chanel has an overrated price. In special, after they recent business modification in which they have increased the prices of all the products that this brand offers.

The reason is simple. Chanel wants to stay in the fashion market as a luxury brand. If everybody wears Chanel it stops being exclusive, so the logical step, it is to increase the prices to make it less affordable.

No offense, fashion addicts and bloggers, but this wave that all of you are having wearing all kind of extreme luxury fashion brands; drives, inevitably, towards the increase of prices. I know some of you are selling your kidneys to pay for that brand and for to pose and to gain status but this is not how the real world works.

Some people, consider themselves exclusive. You can call it the “rich club”, if you want it. This club, is not only delimited for the amount of zeros -at the right side of the main number- the bank account has. It is also closed to all of them who does not have some social status or some manners.

One of the easiest way people have to classify somebody it is by the clothes. As you can see, if all of you wear Chanel, you are confusing this people too. You are creating a lot of noise and they cannot know if you are “worthy” of to share with them some moments, or a simple chat. It is a different culture…

So, since now, you can really be upset with that brand which all of you desire because you are really going to PAY for it. Honestly, I do not really understand. Well, I understand Chanel perfectly. I mean, it is like: “This people is crazy and they desire anything that I create even if it is the most uncomfortable thing in the whole universe. They are going to buy me whatever I do. So, I am going to really make them pay for it.” Why not? I think is clever.

Quote by Gabrielle Chanel

Quote by Gabrielle Chanel

What I do not really understand is why people become nuts to buy certain brands even when they cannot afford them. I am sure all this brands will have certain quality which others does not have, but you dump the clothes after each season even if they have quality or not. So why to expend so much on them? It is something I do not really understand but I know it happens a lot.

I do not know how old are you or where have you grown up, folks. However, the place where I did it was not the most rich in the world.

Spain, has always had some political-economical issues and we had always a huge barrier between social classes. In fact, in the 80’s-90’s if you grown up in a town you had to get the clothes from the local tiny store. Which put them at the price the owner wanted. Sometimes, more expensive than if you traveled to the main state city… The older folks know that.

Obviously, like all the people went to buy to the same store we almost dressed equal. I mean, who cared what the trends said if you did not had more offer. Curiously, and for what my family has told me, it was my generation which started to break that rules in the 90’s.

I remember, I went to school and I had the same jacket than another boy. I remember, because we confused jackets and I arrived home with a very dirty jacket. My grandma was freaked out because it seemed she had just cleaned mine past weekend. She shouted me as you cannot imagine because she thought that I had been messing around or something. Then, she discovered toy soldiers inside the pocket. Next day, it was resolved the “exchanged jacket problem”. However, I won that unfair ruction for : “To have made dirty my (not really mine) jacket” and later, I won another one for have not recognized my recently cleaned jacket. Nice.

I suppose you are not interested in this jacket’s story. I am sure of that, but I am telling you this because the important it was not that event. If not what happened next: the boy, with who I had the “jacket problem”, did not wear that jacket anymore. Maybe did he grow up? Or maybe did he break it? No, it was not that and that jacket was very cool. I mean, it was white and it had snowmen with green scarfs. It was very Christmas like. Too girly? No, it was tomboy style. In fact, the snowmen where fighting between them. So what happened with his jacket…? It went prematurely to the jacket’s cemetery because it was worn by someone else. By Me to be exact, but it was a very cool jacket. That kid was stupid.

The case is this was not the unique incident. Not with me. I do not care if you wear the same clothes than I. Well, I will get worried if any of you will copy extremely everything about Me… Isn’t that creepy?

Quote by Gabrielle Chanel

Quote by Gabrielle Chanel

Anyway, the folks on my class started to want to be “more special”. If by casualty, any other folk wore the same piece of clothes or shoes than other. Those clothes were quickly sent to the clothing cemetery. The worst part is nobody worried in to prepare the appropriate funeral for that outfits. See how desensitized have some humans become?

I am talking we were younger than fourteen years old and none of us were rich. However, this clothing and branding stupidity increased exponentially until now. So, if this it is not a local event as I thought when I was young and naive. After, I traveled… it seems this branding fever has passed worldwide. Then, I can understand why in the teens the brand was Nike and now you want something else: Chanel like. It is normal… looking it for certain perspective. Your fashion addict perspective.

However, who am I to talk about fashion and what you should wear? I am nobody, just an alien whom on the passport control of my own country people doubt about my real nationality…

Imagine how weird I am that one of the main problem I have it is I do not know how to reward myself. I mean, I can be working as crazy for hours and days but when I finish I never have nothing. Of course, I cannot expect any reward, accomplishment or deal coming from outside. I know that, but, I do not know a way to reward myself. Let me write an example, because if not maybe you are not going to understand.

I type a lot, so that ritual which the main character of Misery novel had about the cigarette and the glass of champagne after finish, it cannot be used. Because, despite I finish things I know they are not going to go anywhere. So, which kind of goal is this? I feel like if I am wasting my time but, I know, I am not doing it because I need to write this things. So, it is okay. I do not reward myself for to write.

I force myself to spoil myself when it arrives certain dates but it does not matter if I expend a lot or a little. Somebody AlWAYS find a way or other to make me feel bad about it. It arrived a moment in my life in which I do not desire anything. Why? If later I am going to feel guilty for to have it… In any case like I “need” to have certain things, I say to myself: “Ok, each time you will pass a 500 more number. Reward yourself.” This moment has arrived and I do not know what to do. I do not know, I must be the only idiot on this planet whom does not know how to recompense myself and I start to make a spring cleaning because I thought what I would like it and the first thing which came to my mind was that. I mean, I wanted to have everything neat and clean. So, I did… Well, almost…

People tell me why I do not buy one pair of Louboutin shoes and I will feel amazing. I start to look the shoes and I am like: “Damn, they look very uncomfortable.” I do not know if they are, but they look that way. Then, other folk tell me: “Buy clothes. Women love clothes!” I start to watch clothes and fashion trends and after a while I decide I must not be a woman because the most expensive things look pretty uncomfortable too… It is confusing…

Quote by Gabrielle Chanel

Quote by Gabrielle Chanel

Do you know how I use to reward myself? Preparing a special meal or some varieties of coffee or tea. Which it is relativity cheap if you compare it with a Chanel jacket. It was Coco herself who said: “The best things in life are free…” and she was completely right because what I want to reward myself it is not in any store.

I do not really want the coffee or the cup of tea as reward. What I want is the moment of tranquility and peace that to drink the beverage gives me. It is magic, independently, of how much caffeine it can have. It is the moment. And trust me when I say, that when I am back living in my hometown and working in my office it is not an easy reward to have. Curious, right?

Then, thinking about my own dilemma I had a crazy thought. Maybe, all of you who are so addict to clothes and brands do not need them neither. Maybe, I am wrong but I think what you are looking for cannot be found on stores. I think, if you change your closet each season, you do not really love fashion. And the clothes that you are buying are for to get “social recognition”. You simple are using the outfits as an excuse to try to get that acceptance. Although, I think most of you have to know it. Clothes or “style” cannot give you by themselves all this recognition or attention that you are looking for. They can help, but you must to put of your part. If not, it does not matter if you dress Chanel or Dior because I am sure the magic spell will not work.

I talked about this buying hysteria once with a folk. She always needed to have the last DVD, book, television series… released. Until the point she collected them but most of them was unwrapped because she did not had enough time to watch them. So I asked her why did she spend money on all that stuff? Not for nothing, if not because later she was always saying she did not have enough cash. Curiously, she told me she needed to reward herself because she deserved it. Maybe, she had been studying all the week and preparing some meals in home. That was enough for to have a reward.

When I was at school most of the folks only approved one or two subjects. They had rewards each trimester because they only suspended seven subjects. I had A+ in all and I had nothing. Do you think this is the main reason why do not I understand the “reward” concept?

Some other folks have told me it is true: “Not everything we want it is on a store.” However, this kind of conversations usually derived to explain the things people want and… usually… they were all about relationships, partners, ideal weddings… Then, they started to talk and I just listened to them and my mind started to create all kind of bizarre stories. They really feed my imagination as you do not have idea.

Quote by Gabrielle Chanel

Quote by Gabrielle Chanel

After, some people told me: “I cannot believe you do not have this kind of fantasies with to wear this, or to marry that impossible hot guy, or your ideal wedding…” I use to get away of this kind of conversations easily because I know if I tell the truth nobody is going to believe me. So, I simple twist and flip, make a joke and avoid to answer. It is an art, some people get tough and they are more tricky but then… I say the truth and no one believes me. As it was expected…

Let’s see. It is not I do not dream with to wear Chanel, or my perfect wedding, or that hot guy on a tv series. I know how to dream too. Do not worry about that. However, that dreams are not what I want. I really know what I want and it is not in that dreams, it is not to date a hot guy.

If I could have the opportunity to afford a Chanel jacket probably I will not buy one. I will get that money and I will invest it in to publish a book or to make a film. Probably, I will give some part of it to save a panda or other thing because I am so stupid. To me, it really fills me more than when I gift something people say: “thank you” than people give something to me. And, maybe, you are thinking: “Say thank you. That’s not so much”. It really is because nobody uses to do it anymore, for nothing. Or, almost, I do not have none. Personal addressed thanks… Not in home, not in “friendship”… Seriously, what is it going on with the world?

The hot guy theme it is exactly to me like the Chanel jacket. Why do you want a jacket which probably you are not going to wear because it is very smart for the daily occasions and you do not have the opportunity to use it for “great events”. It is all about common sense and choices. The hot guy, maybe can make you happy when you look at him but for that you need a poster not really him. It is going to be more rentable to have a poster in long term. (making voices) “Oh, no, no, no! I want the hot guy and he is going to be rich too. He is going to be very romantic and he is going to gift me all the whims I have.” This, folks, is the best. Joke. Ever. I am just going to say to that: “Keep dreaming girl. You can. Keep on it.”

Maybe I am extremely realist. I do not know but, what the common sense tell you, folks? To me, if I must choose I prefer not a very handsome guy meanwhile he can speak the same language that I speak. I do not mean Spanish, English or Ambrosian. No, it is a secret language reserved to myself. I love to cook things but it is a must he knows that too; and if I know how to clean or how to fix certain things in home, he must know it too. (making voices again) “Why? If someone in a couple knows it, the other does not need to know it because it is about to complement each other” I heard once. Maybe, it is that way. Honestly, I do not know… And maybe, I am very messed up inside me and I cannot see the world as the normal people does. Probably is that… However, I still having very clear what I want, and what I do not want, so I come back to the Chanel jacket. It is about life choices and preferences. To me, some kind of things, some behaviors… have preference on my taste list than others. Look good, is on the lower gradient because reality obliges us to sacrifice things and, if not, you keep dreaming.

I do not really think there is a human being who can pass my test. Seriously, I really prefer to be alone than in bad company. I had so much. SIMPLY, with my family.

Why do not reward myself with a Chanel jacket when I can afford it? Because I prefer to make a movie. “So, why do not you make the f* movie?” Probably are you thinking. Because I have not found the real kids who want to make movies. I mean the real, real ones. After all, it is a business. You are not going to marry with the first one who shows up at your door simply because is hot, isn’t it? Oh, okay. I know some of you have done it. Sorry then.

Quote by Gabrielle Chanel

Quote by Gabrielle Chanel

I think the main problem of the society it is people create not dreams, if not fantasies. Later, they try to make that fantasies true and that is impossible. I tell you it is impossible I pretend to rescue several fiction classic movie sagas and I do not have idea of how to start. STOP.

If you have a fantasy, not a dream or goal. It is quite hard to make it real. Dreams and goals require planning and strategy. If you do not have that, it is just a fantasy.

Keep dreaming with the “hot guy” or the Chanel jacket but if you do not create a master plan, probably you will never get it. Or, maybe… you can have a fake Chanel jacket to feel yourself empowered and to have the “social recognition” which cannot be bought on stores. Same with the “hot guy” you can have a “fake” one and maybe in long term he is not so “ideal”. In any case, both fantasies are going to loose quality with the time. Beauty fades and threads break. You will tell me what you would have left then.

The Long Journey Towards Meeting Someone or How to Deal with Your Number One Fan

Tom Felton with members of the Stormtroopers UK. Picture courtesy Tom Felton Meets the Superfans by BBC.

Tom Felton with members of the Stormtroopers UK. Picture courtesy Tom Felton Meets the Superfans by BBC.

I know it. It’s not easy. You folks wake up one day and suddenly: “Bam!” A new public person shows up on the newspapers because he/she is talented in something. Kardashians included. They are extremely good as public relationships and posing.

The case is that you are reading so much about them that you cannot avoid to start to feel something for each one of this “famous”. It is bizarre. I know. I have lived it but it is real. You start to feel things for this folks even if you have never met them.

As an example let me tell you a true story based in real events. I travelled to the UK recently and I did not know nothing about One Direction. Yes directioners, you can kill me now if you want to. Well, thinking about it better… Please, do not. I appreciate my life a lot.

The case is, I had heard about that band. I had read on Twitter all that stupid trends but I did not know the names of the guys who sing the songs… Sorry, I’m getting old. I started to lose the music fandom concept long ago when Bieber had not grown up.

Anyway, in less than a week and thanks to the underground free newspapers I have learnt a bunch of ‘non-interesting’ stuff about this boy band but, above all, I have started to feel worried about them. Poor kids. Girls, please stop! You are perturbing them! Zayn had a serious break down and Louis had split with her girlfriend after 4 years of relationship and all because of you… The fandom. You are cruel, folks. I do not know if this kids sing like angels or not but they already have more ink in their skin that most people who have been in prison. Definitely, something is wrong…

Austin Powers and other fans.

Austin Powers and other fans. Picture courtesy Tom Felton Meets the Superfans by BBC.

However, let me confess you something: I am quite disaster. Probably, I have learnt a bunch of things about these folks on the past week but I am not sure if, in the remote case, any of them will cross on my path, I will recognize any of them. With a long conversation… maybe… But when I am walking or having dinner or something… Ehhh… most certainly almost completely sure I will not recognize them. Not a One Direction member, not Bieber or any other. And I know it because it happened to me before. A bunch of times, but the most bizarre one was with Madonna. Although I am going to leave this story for later.

Imagine which kind of disaster I am that, e.g., I contacted with an actor long ago and I did not know nothing about his work. Yes, I know… Quite embarrassing… The case is after I checked Imdb, the holy directory of filmmaking, I discovered that he appeared in a bunch of films that I watched. In special, one which I have seen like a thousand times as a teen. However it was impossible to me to remember him in any of his films…

Maybe you can think the guy is sort a chameleon and he blends so well in his roles that it is impossible to recognize him. No, it is not that because Viggo Mortensen is more shapeshifter than this other guy and I remember Mr Mortensen roles. So why did not remember this folk who has a legion of fans worst than the directioners following him? Let me say it again: ‘I’M A DISASTER!!!’ Yes, folks, you can easy prank me with the trick of “let’s see if I’m in disguise and she recognizes me”. The most sure is that I will not recognize you. Even without disguise.

So no: “I’m not being rude with any of you” if I do not say: “Hi”. It is just that there are millions of folks in the world and I cannot remember the faces of all of you. As a funny anecdote I am going to tell you a truth: “My father has always wore the beard fashion trend.” One day, when I was a kid he went to the barber and he shaved his face. When he came back home I saw him and I run away scared hiding screaming to my mother: “Someone has come inside home and he has keys!” It passed that way I swear.

A simple pair of sunglasses distracts me and I cannot recognize even the most familiar faces. So, as you can imagine I cannot work as a paparazzi. I would be the worst EVER, but if even when my mother is watching that stupid television shows which talk about famous and clothes I am almost all the time: “Who is her/him?” So, yes. I would be the worst sensationalist journalist too. Maybe this is the main reason I have developed my social jujitsu skill until to be even better than the one who is better in everything. Seriously, J.J. Abrams and Cumberbatch you gave me the best cue joke for the rest of my life. Even better than Blinky: “I want to be your friend” or Misery: “I’m your fan number one.”

Superfan and Tom Felton. Picture courtesy Tom Felton Meets the Superfans by BBC.

Darren Cris and Tom Felton. Picture courtesy Tom Felton Meets the Superfans by BBC.

Well, the case is that I can develop perfect conversations with other folks without recognize them at all. I have done it with people from my town. They have not noticed nothing weird and after the chat I have asked my family with who I was talking and they, of course, had fun with me. It’s not my fault! I use my brain to other stuff not for to know the list of all the ex-girlfriends of someone! Seriously, folks, why do you find all that gossiping interesting?

Now, you can understand why I didn’t know about One Direction existence, isn’t it? Well an even better explanation is: “I am weird” but you already know that.

The case is I haven’t grown up as the rest of the kids use to do. Believe me. I did not, and I confirmed this when I told my story to my college partners or some colleagues on the NYFA. The first ones, officially declared that I didn’t had childhood. The other folks felt pity.

Luckily, I grew up knowing what Star Wars is, not like others… But let’s just say that I had so much to study that it arrived a moment in which I did not had any time to play with other kids/teens. My fandom disconnection started when Geri Halliwell left the Spice Girls. Please, do not ask me what happened in all that years between that date and college that I cannot answer you anything.

In college everything changed. I had time as I had not could imagine in my whole life and I discovered I had not experimented the basic things that any child/teen from this ‘rich world’ consider as ‘normal life’. To start, I had never had allowed to have posters hanged on my walls, neither portraits of someone. I could not buy magazines until my 18’s. Neither the filmmaking ones. The books that I read was the ones who my uncle gifted to me or the ones which the teachers ordered as a homework. The first time I tried bologna or carbonara pasta I was in college. The first time I ate in a McDonalds was because my aunt decided to take me with her when I was six years old. The second and third were in trips with the school folks. Next in college. I can continue but I think you are getting the point.

When I arrived to college I was completely lost and I started a socializing stage in my life. Soon, I discovered that the kids whom had ‘normal lives’ are not really interested in that.

People say we are in a new times but I think we are exactly in the same evolution stage than in the era of the tribes. It did not matter how good or bad I tried to treat the others. There was always an excuse to discriminate others and to do not let them to be part of the clan. If we were thirty six in our class it was like ten different tribes which was formed the first day based on arbitrary things like the clothes you wore. It was then when I really started to feel interested in anthropology, psychology and social behaviors.

The clan which accepted me helped me to discover the things that I missed in my teens and childhood. Like films, television series, music and books. It was there when I started to discover some dishes, food, or the weekend trips to any place simply for to have fun. However, they also helped me to rediscover the fandom universe and how obsessions can work. Here, it begins the story of Harry Potter… Or how Daniel Radcliffe is following me… Or how the world is a handkerchief because there are so many coincidences behind this. Seriously.

Super Harry Potter fan and Tom Felton. Picture courtesy Tom Felton Meets the Superfans by BBC.

Super Harry Potter fan and Tom Felton. Picture courtesy Tom Felton Meets the Superfans by BBC.

My tribe was babbling and chattering something about some fascinating books which were part of a book saga and I felt a bit: “Let’s going to try to read this to see if I can fit better in this clan.” Alright, Rowling, you got me with the wizard world. I think it is fascinating and a very creative work. However, I think Harry Potter’s character it is quite depressing. I understand why he is that way in concordance with the rest of the story. However, what I cannot understand is why people identifies with him or they would like to be like him. Are you insane folks?! The darkest wizard in the wizard history is trying to kill this kid since he was born an all because a witch had a déjà vu! Please, do not wish to be like Harry anymore. I am very serious with this folks.

Anyway, if I was fascinated with the social tribes imagine how it was my fascination after discover the hysteria that HP awoken up on my folks.

I had seen something similar in The Lord of the Rings too. I convinced a friend of mine, who disliked that kind of stories, and when she saw Aragorn and Legolas she almost died. Hellooo… It is a movie… they wear tons of make-up and everything is a huge lie… However, she did not accepted my weird arguments. Am I insane, right?

To me, Harry Potter obsession was quite more strange. Not for the obsession itself if not because the main characters who played the roles in the films were just kids. Younger than my college mates and Me. “Common! Don’t tell me you have a crush with this Harry Potter guy?” Asked I. “No, no. It’s not a crush. Of course it’s not! He’s younger than us but he has something in his eyes…” Said one of the tribe members. Trust me, I have heard that ‘thing’ about the eyes so many times…

The Harry Potter adventure is addictive. I must confess that if I get in my hands one of the J.K. Rowling books the world can stop to spin because I cannot do any other thing that read, read, read. The only: “Oh, please stop…” Are the “who loves Cho parts”. Apart of that, the rest of the text is an addiction, but of the good ones, not like the bad drugs and all this stuff.

Not sure how they convinced me, probably because I wanted to travel to London my whole life… But I finished in a plane to London with two members of my clan with destination the premiere of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. I was there. The night of the Velvet Revolution and when I discovered that dragons are real and they really breathe fire.

Probably, you can see me in some videos recorded by professionals because it seems I also have that ‘thing’ on the eyes. Seriously, to all the folks with the ‘thing’ on the eyes, cannot we patent the ‘thing’ or something like that? At least, we will ensure us with some cash for the bad times…

Darren Criss and Rupert Grint. Picture courtesy Tom Felton Meets the Superfans by BBC.

Darren Criss and Rupert Grint. Picture courtesy Tom Felton Meets the Superfans by BBC.

Just in case you check the videos. I am not the one who screams. I am the one who hides her face or is looking like “doesn’t this finish yet?” Because I am sure Emma Watson remembers that day as I am. Her gown was gorgeous but that day was freezing and drizzling. The whole day!

I must confess something. That day, I learnt some things:

  1. Or you are very obsessed, crazy or devoted to your idols to be waiting more than eleven hours under bad weather conditions to just get a pic, or not…
  2. Or you are like me: an spartan warrior who can handle stoically this absurd situations or extreme weather conditions.
  3. People is nuts, bonkers, insane and a bunch of adjectives more.

And what I really learnt and I swore to myself it was: “If I assist to other premiere in my whole life it is not going to be to this side of the fence anymore.” Because it was hard, tedious and hard, terribly hard.

Although, I am going to explain to you my fandom experience from the beginning, from the flight:

It was okay. Not a big deal, but it is what you expect what you fly with Ryanair: after they will make to all the passengers move their arms very fast to try to can departure safe. Later, they will try to sell you calendars of the naked crew posing. Just in case any boy has had any serious crush with a flight assistant an he will want to remember her: ALWAYS.

After the landing, everything was a bit chaotic because YOU, Brits, do all the things on the wrong side. Do you know your street directions are indicated different as the rest of the world does? That you drive on the wrong direction? And what about that mania of to twist the indication maps? I’m sure all this things are part of your British sense of humor and you are really having fun confusing all the tourists of the world… However, I still thinking you are adorable and, after I have lived in the USA, I agree much more with the Brits, above all, with Sting. I also like the toasts to one side.

Rupert Grint, Darren Criss and Tom Felton in disguise. Picture courtesy Tom Felton Meets the Superfans by BBC.

Rupert Grint, Darren Criss and Tom Felton in disguise. Picture courtesy Tom Felton Meets the Superfans by BBC.

Anyway, we made it. We arrived to the hostel but I am not sure what was expecting one of my comrades… A palace, maybe? The case is this two pals had arranged the whole trip so I expected they knew what they were doing… First surprise: we were three and it was only one bed booked. Lovely.

The folk on admission was very kind and he did his best to find us three beds. Unfortunately, it was full of fans because, guess where all were going to attend? The problem was he could find us three beds but each one in a different room to share with people whom we did not know at all. I was brave and I slept in my bed with a bunch of crazy Australians and Germans buy my friends were not. They slept together in the same tiny bed because they were scared of strangers.

The fun part of this it is that I have started this text telling you that, to me, it is hard to recognize people. Well, sometimes it is not. I suppose it is hard to me to recognize faces at first sight but not the way people have to express and to act. And the voice… That’s something which really keeps recorded in my brain. Well, at least you are having a very very bad cough, sore throat? Anyway… Just keep in mind there was an Australian girl in the same room than Me in an hostel…

Next day, my tribe pals thought the breakfast which the hostel included was disgusting. Following the “Ew!” rule we finished in Camden’s market were they ate a huge hot dog for breakfast from a place where the dirt on the walls and floors had even learnt to speak English, but that meal and place was much better than a free continental breakfast at the hostel.

We had three days to watch ALL London, but one day was only for the Premiere. So the deal was that if we were going to miss one day, because it was the wish of one of the other girls; each one of us would have the right to choose what she preferred to do or to watch. I chose the London Eye and the other other girl wanted to dinner at the Rainforest Cafe.

We went to one side to other of the city without to really see so much. The other girls were for days remembering me how expensive it is the London Eye. Then, we arrived to the hostel where the nice guy from admission had arranged three beds in the same room. Yeah! Problem: there were not only three beds in the room.

To be exact… Well, I do not really remember how many but we had in the same room people from Russia. You know how are Russian couples… Like loving birds but after have finished the ‘loving touch’ they have fights worst than the ones in Bond movies.

Rupert Grint and Tom Felton. Picture courtesy Tom Felton Meets the Superfans by BBC.

Rupert Grint and Tom Felton. Picture courtesy Tom Felton Meets the Superfans by BBC.

We did not wait so long. Probably, because the other other girl was expecting a palace not an hostel. Probably, because none of the other girls were agree with to share a room with strangers. Or, probably, and certainly, the most sure because the other other girl had phobia to people kissing in public. Not kidding. I am not sure if she stills doing it but in that times it was enough for her to see a couple kissing on the street to start to blame them with all kind of things. Hold on! I do not mean with kissing, this kind of exchange of mouth fluids so passionate which can make feel horny to anybody. I mean, the quick kiss on lips. That’s it. This was enough reason to blame and to start to say atrocities; but always in a low profile, between the ‘friends’ because it is way cooler than the other way. Really, have you ever met an ‘Ew girl’? Because I have met a bunch of them.

The Russian couple started to kiss and the girl got nervous. So what we did? We left the hostel. And at 12am, we were looking for a cheap place to stay in London. Lovely… We ended in a hotel sleeping three on the same bed. So I still thinking this ‘cheap’ trip was not cheap at all. In fact, this wild ways costed much more than other luxurious trips that I had after… But let’s go to the point: Harry Potter.

The other girl had a contact which was “the real obsessed”, she was not. This contact had told her that they were people waiting for the event on Leicester Square the night before. It was true. We went to check it and ‘to see if any of the stars were around there’ because you know it, folks. It is not the amazing crew behind the stars who prepares and organizes all this kind of events. It is the start itself. So Dan, dear, what the bloody thing were you doing the night before the premiere that you were not saying to people how to put well the red carpet? Do not you see you broke the heart of all your lovers whom was waiting you? What a bad boyfriend you are… Even if, in most of the cases, your relationship with some of these fans could have been considered illegal or an act of pederasty…! I do not remember exactly, what you did after that premier, maybe you answered a letter to them or something… But I was surprised on college by some sweet treats as a celebration of… that thing you did! Ok, I am not going to creep him out. Well, maybe I will… Just in the remote case he decides to read this.

It is truth. It is scary to be like Dan but this is only the beginning…

Daniel Radcliffe. Picture courtesy Tom Felton Meets the Superfans by BBC.

Daniel Radcliffe. Picture courtesy Tom Felton Meets the Superfans by BBC.

Have you ever been 11 hours under the drizzling rain and the freeze of November to see a bunch of kids who play wizards in a movie? Of course not! You are not so crazy… I must confess I expended most of my waiting time thinking: “How the hell have they done the dragon moves and it breathes real fire?” This is the reason why I love filmmaking. The real magic! Not the “famous” ones. My other though was: “Hey folk who are using the crane camera. I still learning how to use all this stuff and cameras but if you need help putting tape on the cables or you need a break I am the first one on this queue to help you and I can raise my hand even higher than Hermione to show you I know all the answers.” (Yes, read the quotes without breath) And I am not lying, I was the first on the queue next to the fences but… On the service path and not the main ‘star avenue’ but anyway people filmed me. It is the ‘thing’ on my eyes. I cannot do nothing about it…

Now, can I blame Robert Pattinson? Can I hate him? Because he was there too and he really was who awoke the pure madness. Thanks to him, Radcliffe and Felton, I finished with bruises on my thighs with the shape of the fence which, by the way, it was the same shape than my logo. I had it engraved on my skin by the force of the fans. Literally.

Now, can you guess who was the girl who pushed me so hard and with all that hysteria against the fences? No…? It was not none of the girls of the clan. It was the same Australian which who I shared room the first night!!! But, do not having enough with this… Guess who I met years after in the NYFA and I booked her as an actress? Can you guess who? The same Australian bloody girl!!! Can you understand why do I say the world is a handkerchief? Because despite there is millions of people in this planet it seems there is some kind of magic voodoo out there or some law of attraction that we have not discovered yet which makes this bloody casualties come true. Or is this, or the real Gods of the Olympus which are playing with our figurines have a real bloody twisted sense of humor.

Going back to the premiere. Do you know who assisted and I did not recognize her? Madonna, herself. She passed and I was like: “Is this blondie on the film? Maybe she is one from the French Wizard School…” After, I read on the newspaper who was her. Can you see what “I’M A DISASTER”? By the way, the most pathetic it is not the event itself, the hysteria of some fans or how your body feels sore, wet, bruised and frozen. The most pathetic it is to see how the newspapers make sensationalism arguing about why all the main actors decided to wear velvet jackets or how all the depressed lovers had break ups and they burst in tears because you, “famous”, had not “magically” fallen in love of them. Or… you had not exchanged phone numbers. Yes, yes, yes. It is that way… But they only confess this secret dreams when they feel between comrades.

J.K. Rowling. Picture courtesy Tom Felton Meets the Superfans by BBC.

J.K. Rowling. Picture courtesy Tom Felton Meets the Superfans by BBC.

I call this desolating moments: “The Disillusioned Tears” but do you know what? They do not last so much because after a nap and you, “famous folks” say: “I love you.” The wheel starts to spin again. It really is the never ending story. The only way that I have found and obsessed leaves his/her addiction for a theme or a folk it is when this people change their addiction for a new drug, but nothing else.

You know… Paul McCarney is right. This is like the Queenie Eye game. We are just passing the ball ones between the others to relieve some pressure of the tons of hands who wish to hold our hands but which they are, in fact, holding our necks.

Now, do you really want to know why do I like to joke that Daniel Radcliffe is following me, as Cumberbatch and anything Echelon related is doing too? Apply the handkerchief rule explained before. Relax, enjoy, and have some laughs, or die of creepiness.

After all the crying my friend had after the premier we came back home. The world admired us as heroes for to have assisted to this kind of event. I am still hearing voices which remember me the lucky that I was because I assisted to the event an I watched “famous” in real… Not in HD…

How I said, the crying is just episodic. So do not worry bad famous boyfriends, your fans are stronger and they recover of this ‘bad romance’ you are having.

Now, something I must say to Dan:

Dear Dan,

I am sorry, but I know all the jokes about the “magic wands” and all this theories in which J.K. Rowling is a “real witch” because there is no other way she could have so much imagination to create that fantastic world. As I said, they even celebrated something that you did and I cannot remember. All that I know about your persona is because they told me, but despite I celebrated your birthday once I do not remember it, neither how old you are. Although, I had to engrave on my brain that Potter and Neville were born July 31st.

I have even see you naked on theater. Unfortunately, I disliked that part and I preferred the one in which you sang jingles. However, you keep following me because after all this strange meetings with people whom even know your shoe size, you have worked with my teacher on NYFA. So I had your face in my Fb wall each day he posted a self-promo of his film. I had not seen the film, please Kroki forgive me, but I really pass to see you naked again… Seriously, Dan, if I had not enough with your crazy fans, then you start to work with people who I have met… This must to stop. I am getting tired to see your face… Well no. I am not saying you are ugly. Just it is exhausting, ok?

Sincerely,

Not your fan and I do not really care of what you are going to play next.

Daniel Radcliffe. Picture courtesy Tom Felton Meets the Superfans by BBC.

Daniel Radcliffe. Picture courtesy Tom Felton Meets the Superfans by BBC.

The fun part of all this Dan story is when he played Equus, which it is interesting to check by Shakespeare and Lumet not by a naked Dan. Even it was interesting by the impressive Richard Griffins who really nailed it but whom unfortunately passed away. The curious part is when the play is going to start and everybody start to feel nervous because there is a rumor about some “famous” folks whom had come to watch the play. Then, everybody looks to each other like… “Are you the ‘famous’?” After, when the play has finished, people started to get out of the Gielgud Theater very quick. Did they need to go to the restroom? No, they went after Dan to ask for an autograph and a pic. Seriously, have not you had enough with to see him naked? It seems not; but the funnier part of all it is when I asked those people where do they went in such a hurry. Then, all of them told me “for an autograph” BUT, all of them also told me it was not for them: it was for her little sister. It seems everybody has little sisters… Isn’t it weird?

However the “hunt of the famous” it is not so simple like that. It requires dedication and patience. It is almost an art… Of course, like I am a disaster in this things I cannot really understand it, but I know there is people out there who works really hard to catch their prays… And I know what I am saying…

To start this part of the story I will simply say: when I went to London, in the trip that I mentioned you, we met Seal and Donatella Versace. Fact, which it is completely normal because Heathrow is a huge airport and even famous people need to take a flight. Anyway, the other other girl (which is really the one who recognizes everybody) recognized Seal meanwhile we were waiting for our luggage. I do not remember what she said but I bet he heard it. So, in less than a blink of the eye Seal used his ninja skills to disappear. Because it is true, to be in this artistic professions you do not only need to be a master in social jiujitsu. You also need to be the best ninja and to know how to blend between people and to disappear. At less, of course, you are Donatella, in that case you are going to pass of all that stupidities that “fans” and “famous hunters” DO because you are a queen, girl. Queens like her, who are saying to the whole world how to dress, do not worry for a couple of jackanapes.

As I told you that first trip to London really impacted to me because I discovered a facet of people who I did not know. This stupid behavior really permeated inside me but no as people thought… I think, my folks, thought in that times that I was cool because I shared an important experience with them. However, after that trip what I felt was not happiness. I felt fear. I thought the people with I was hanging out was creepy and part insane. And, my worst fears, were revived again when they suggested to do the same crazy premiere stuff again. They had several attempts to plan a new trip to the new ones but I did not know if they finally went or not because I did not. Seriously, I will always remember the bruises on my thighs only for to try to see a kid who has the same size as Me. I think part of the cryings that the folks had after the event were something about the childish aspect of Dan. Sorry, I do not remember well that.

Tina and Tom Felton. Picture courtesy Tom Felton Meets the Superfans by BBC.

Tina and Tom Felton. Picture courtesy Tom Felton Meets the Superfans by BBC.

I remember how that day of the Premiere I went to Burger King to order all the food for my pals who were waiting me on the line. I think I remember Tina but I am not sure of it. I will tell you who is Tina after… And I remember that meanwhile we were eating on queue people surrounded us and it was impossible to move. I had the paper bags of the food with me and I asked a bobby who was closer to me if he could throw our trash for us. He, as a good gentleman and Londoner, offered to do it without problem. However, I received a bunch of insults from the bloody Australian girl who was just behind me. Why? Because it seems it is not appropriate to ask a policeman for such a thing like that. I do not understand, different cultures maybe… Perhaps, that unapproved aptitude that I had with the bobby was what make her push me harder against the fence. Or maybe it was just Tom Felton. I do not know… What I know it is that I have very bad blood. If you look to me a bit harder a get bruises. So imagine for how long I had on my thighs the several diamond symbols who formed the fence marked on my legs and body. Like to do not remember the face of the Australian girl. Other stuff it is that I know very well how to play the stupid girl.

Seriously, folks, one day I would like that any of you who have the “thing” on the eyes and who know about what I am talking send me one fake Oscar. Even if it is just bad draw in a piece of paper I deserve one to be: “Best non-official actress in a constant supporting role.” Because I am better than Meryl Streep and Cumberbatch. In special when you are meeting people, which maybe are married, and they start to talk about with who they would like to be… It is bizarre. Like, e.g., a woman who is married with her husband for years and you are talking about George Clooney and she confess you that if he just shows up on the door she leaves her husband and she goes with George. Really, try to play that scene Meryl, I know you can; but I have a lot of experience with that one…

I find this behaviors insane and scary, just for the fact this people do not really know Mr Clooney. I do not know… maybe he likes to put his feet on the coffee table and you hate the behavior… Maybe, she (the woman about I was talking) hates the same behavior too… So, why are you going to leave everything to be with a person who you do not know? Because he is “famous”? Rich? Looks good? Or is it because he is always portrayed like the perfected gentleman? Do you know something, girls? Clark Gable was always portrayed the same way by the Hollywood Industry and he liked more a bottle than anything. And, as I have read, he did not had enough with one woman. So are you still thinking you really want to be with “these famous”?

Voldemort and Tom Felton. Picture courtesy Tom Felton Meets the Superfans by BBC.

Voldemort and Tom Felton. Picture courtesy Tom Felton Meets the Superfans by BBC.

It seems… If I had not enough with Harry Potter… Later, it came LOST, a television series where a bunch of unexplainable things happened and which it could be resolved in 24 hours if you had casted Jack Bauer. What were you thinking J.J.?

It is alright. It worked very well as a make money machine which, after all it is what it counts, let’s be honest about it… However, this series hit strong to the folks of my clan. I, the weird, I had not seen any episode until my fifth year on college (2007-2008). Yeah, old studies, five bloody years on filmmaking and broadcasting to later people out there does not know what the hell have you studied… Anyway, another member of the clan lend me the past seasons of LOST. I must recognize some chapters really had their mysterious point and I was quite addicted but because I wanted to know where the bloody polar bear came from, not because the half naked boys and girls on the beach, the whole day… Alright, alright, alright, the guy who played Sawyer had his point shirtless and Desmond with his Scottish accent and his “brotha” was adorable STOP. That’s it. However, everybody was in love of Jack and freckles… I was confused… I wanted to hit them on back of their necks in almost all the chapters and people had a strong crush with them… WHAT??!! Yes, I am using the names of characters because… (Whispering Secret: “I do not know their real names… Shhhh…”) I can google them I know… but, in a week, probably I will have to google them again. Yeah… I know… I have a problem… Except with Dan, people have done I memorize his face very well. Although that hair cut in Kill Your Darlings confused me for a while… Sorry.

What I was saying… Oh, yes, to “hunt famous”. Yep, yep, yep. Imagine how twisted are some of these minds that you want to believe that you are studying a degree in filmmaking and broadcasting and the rest of the people whom are studying with you want to be like you: great filmmakers. To the surprise… And after all the Premier and fandom experience you start to discover that not all the people who is studying the same, they want to be the best in their jobs. Some people is only studying this subjects because they believe working in the industry they could have more possibilities to meet “famous people” and of course, to marry one them. It is logic, if you think about it like if you are an addict of Grey’s Anatomy… It has sense. If you want to marry a doctor you study to be a nurse. It is the same theory applied to the spectacle world.

I am not lying when I say this and I am writing about it because all this text started not only for One Direction crisis if not because I saw the documentary that Draco Malfoy did. Sorry, Tom Felton, I think after your work in your documentary I am going to try to memorize your face and associate it with your real name because you are a very brave man. However, I cannot promise you to call you Tom. It is my problem, man. Arrrgghh… Anyway, he made a documentary, which I really recommend you, called “Tom Felton Meets the Superfans” and it is about to try to understand all this fandom phenomenon but, above all, he was trying to understand why a woman older than him, called Tina, is following him everywhere. I am not sure if Tom really understood why some people follows others but I know he could not have my perspective because he was at the other side of the fence: the day of the Velvet Revolution. Wait, Tom did not wear a velvet jacket, or yes? Not sure, kid. Sorry again.

Tom Felton with a bunch of Superfans. Picture courtesy Tom Felton Meets the Superfans by BBC.

Tom Felton with a bunch of Superfans. Picture courtesy Tom Felton Meets the Superfans by BBC.

When I was in college I received acting classes because you cannot direct if you do not know which is the actor’s job. I must recognize, some of the great actors… or they are completely looney or they are masochists, because why the heck do you want to experiment all this kinds of trouble sensations inside your body? To win an Oscar?! I need someone explains me that point because I cannot understand why some actors are always looking for the most anguish and tortured characters which crazy minds like mine create. Maybe I had bad luck, but all the characters that people wanted I played were depressive, maniac, psychos with affective problems… I know why my pals created those characters, I did too. (Whispering Secret: they impact more to the professor and to the audience)

I suppose something about the acting has been left inside me because when I see some film scenes, like Cumberbatch Khan’s Speech or Eddie Redmayne playing Hawking, I find myself watching and trying to do the same at the same time. I say to myself: “Esther, can you stop to be an idiot?” Because I promise you I finished the Theory of Everything with my neck to one side and making weird things with my jaws. I know it is nuts but yes, this profession is nuts.

Anyway, “famous folks” and in special to Tom Felton. Do you want to know why I know of the master plan about to study filmmaking to marry some of you? Because my acting professor discovered it in some of my college mates. These girls, to be specific, were more interested in Valencia FC players but it is the same. After a chat trap -please have in mind, my old professor is a very popular supporting role actor in my country; like J.K. Simmons but without any important award- he made them confess as, if it is the most natural thing on the planet, that they were really studying the same degree than I because they had the HOPE to be working as camera or producer and someone “famous” will fall in love with them. Shock!

Not finishing here the story. I am going to creep you out more, until the point you are not going to look again, with the same eyes, that journalist which is interviewing you or that assistant producer which brings you the coffee each morning on set. Hold on! This warning experience goes for both sides, boys and girls, because I am talking about girls with loving problems towards famous people but this also happens in the other direction too. This, darlings, it is what has made me to raise “my personal boyfriend test” to a level so high. That, honestly, I do not really think there is any human being in this world who can pass it. Just my dog can pass it and not always… She always wants me for the food and the belly rubs, sometimes it is not platonic love…

After finish my degree I traveled to Los Angeles to study more about filmmaking. I had the naive hope, people there would really like to make movies and not to have romances with everybody. I am going mention J.J. Abrams again. That movie called Super 8 about kids who really love filmmaking and to make films: “It’s a LIE!” Not the aliens, maybe that part is true. The part of people really wishing to make films and not to fall in love with “stars”. Do you really want to know which was the first thing I found on the school? Everybody wanted to have a class inside “Steven Spielberg’s room”.

Daniel Radcliffe. Picture courtesy Tom Felton Meets the Superfans by BBC.

Daniel Radcliffe. Picture courtesy Tom Felton Meets the Superfans by BBC.

Dear folks,

That in the school they have named one room as a film director whom stills alive. It does not mean Steven Spielberg lives there. He is not in the room. He is busy making more films but, definitely, he is not in the room, ok?

Honestly,
The common sense

Imagine how nuts is the romance story that we were a small filmmaking group and we had a small group of actors for the first assignments. In the whole group it was only one good actor. I worked with him several times and he is the African Cumberbatch. How do I know that? Well, because I was the first one who worked with him in my group and he needed to be very scared for the play. So scared that he had fear for his life because some thugs wanted to kill him. Then he asked me: “How many tears do you want my eyes cry: one or two?” Do not deny it: this is to be awesome. If an actor can give you the exact number of tears which are going to fall, slowly, for his cheeks, please, take care of him. Usually it does not work this way.

It is right. This folk is awesome but do you really want to know why some folks insisted in to cast him. In special, one of my group, because he is hot and you know that sexual rumors about black guys, don’t you? Well, sadly, it worked like that. People started to cast the “hot” ones and no the “talented” ones. In the case of this folk he had both but he was an exception. Then, I understood why some actors have so many hangs-up about their appearance. It is very sad and depressing but this is how most of the people work.

However, like the classes were finishing and it seemed nobody had a serious romance with any other like on the movies. Everybody became a bit hysterical and like if it was spring. The last month of classes it happened all kind of “romance” issues that I better keep for myself. Because it was not only what it really happened if not what people pretended that happen or… what they were planning that it would happen. As I did not show interest for any of this things they managed to make an inquisition interrogatory to know my tastes. They used a night in which we supposedly we were all drunk… Ha! I have told you I deserve an Oscar. The case is I tell to them the truth and they did not believed me because it was impossible that I had that “personal” tastes. So, they assumed I was lying and that I was lesbian. For this reason, I was not interested in guys. I can confess you: “I kissed a girl and I don’t like it…” Happy now? I told you damn, Basil the super detective left the batten very high. No human can overcome that.

When I was in LA for the first time I did not understand all of this “romance with the famous” or with the “one who will can really become famous” very well. I needed years to have a better perspective about all of this.

In that moment, I did not really know if people really thought that I was awesome or not. I am a bit astute. When everybody introduced themselves the first class day, everybody had done a lot of things and everybody was super important. I did not say nothing about my five year degree or my work on broadcasting… Why? I mean… it was really necessary. The next year I met Janusz Kaminski and he does the same that I did. So, I suppose I am not so weird after all.

Daniel Radcliffe. Picture courtesy Tom Felton Meets the Superfans by BBC.

Daniel Radcliffe. Picture courtesy Tom Felton Meets the Superfans by BBC.

In any case, I passed to be “the one who does not speak well english” to “you are the number one” and “I will love to work with you”. The red carpet for a “stupid short film presentation” became a circus mediaticus. Everybody wanted a pic with me, work with me, tell me the talented I was… Blah, blah, blah… And do you really want to know something? I do not think all this crazy “red carpet stuff” were for me or for my short film. I really believe they were because before to come inside to the Egyptian Theater the professor, whom have done the film with Radcliffe, told me that if I needed help I called him. Well, it was not really call. It was an email but I think you have got it.

Red carpets are the worst event ever because everybody think they have the right to have a piece of you, even if you do not want to. What silly thing I am saying? Who cares about who is on the red carpet is thinking? That would be like think about to plant more trees or to save the planet. Who really cares about that? If the only thing that most of the people cares it is about to go to a coffee store and walk in Ian Somerhalder and you both fall in love FOREVER, for that he died to became a vampire, isn’t it? The FOREVER… Or Robert Pattison…? Exactly the same… GIRLS, which problem do you have with dead guys?

I do not know folks… It is like the ones who dream to date Elijah Wood because he has the “thing” on his eyes. Do you know the “thing” makes us literally half blind? Hi…! (Reality) Anyway, how are you going to think in to date a folk who has grown up with you… I mean… Do you know in how many movies he is as a kid? I have seen him die in a bunch of them… Definitely, I could not, but people is different… They are constantly looking for bad romances everywhere. And now, they are having this crush with Cumberbatch… (I have also heard Cucumberback but better I am going to ignore it) I have not seen half of his movies I remember him and Redmayne from The Other Boleyn Girl. I thought this two were terrific but as it is usual in me I did not hold their names. Until this past Oscars who I was like: “These two nominee faces are familiar to me.” And people telling me: “Of course! He is Sherlock!” I have not seen Sherlock, I had not seen Star Trek Into the Darkness before the Oscars but I knew I had seen both of them in something Tudor related. See.. how my mind works…? Anyway:

Dear Cumberbatch,

Are you God? We all know you are very good, but, seriously, I am getting worried about your omnipresence EVERYWHERE. It is even worst than with Radcliffe or Jared Leto. Not offense, folk, maybe you are a very cool guy but I find your constant presence: creepy. It is just a few weeks ago I did not know who you are and now you are everywhere… Well, congratulations to your publicist because he/she is even better than you. Make to him/her a nice gift.

With all my best to the future,

The one who finds you scary in special, when you are using the Khan’s face. (Whispery Secret: I have not seen the Imitation Game neither, despite Keira Knightley is there and I love her. Just the Other Boleyn Girl and Star Trek. I recognize terrific acting at fist sight but I have a problem with hold names)

Oh! Wait, I have not told you the Leto story… Well, you already know he is Jesus. His change of looks confuse me and, as Benedict, I find him creepy. Well, to be honest, the most creepy guy is Robert Downey Jr. followed by Mickey Rourke. Yeah, folks you are creepy. Sorry… I have the “thing” on my eyes and I am half blind. I cannot see your “hot” side.

Tom Felton as Joker. Picture courtesy Tom Felton Meets the Superfans by BBC.

Tom Felton as Joker. Picture courtesy Tom Felton Meets the Superfans by BBC.

However, I most confess I do not really have the problem with Leto I have the problem with his fans. The ones who are an organized army, called “Echelon”. Say it with Cumberbatch voice and do not tell me the name does not scare you. Although, the ones who are the worst are who do not consider themselves part of the army but they are fans of… Jordan Catalano? Who the heck is that folk? I had to google it because all my fandom troubles come from there. And guess which was the answer? Jesus! I could not believe it was you again! He already knows he is heartbreaker and if Cumberbatch can leave all of you, fans, pregnant only when you hear his voice. Leto know with a sight he can leave you pregnant too. He knows, trust me. He knows…

Let’s just say coming back to the Tom Felton documentary about the harmless Tina… Well, I cannot talk about Tina but I can talk about Leto obsessed folks. Some of them are so annoying that put their noses where they do not know because they think they MUST protect the STAR. My question is, protect him of who? Others simply tell that they are looking for a family or a place to fit. Which, remembers me my past HP experience… Of course, none of you are obsessed. It is always the other… you are not… And finally, there is this sector who thinks or better express, they believe, the are married in soul with the STAR… I do not have any problem if you want to be married with him. The problem that I have is that you think you are married with ME. Not because of ME if not because you confuse my talent with his.

Ladies, some boys too, do you really think all the messages he posts are secret messages direct only towards each one of you. Do you think he really speaks in these riddles only for each one of you? Seriously, because he closed long ago the comment section on his web. Thing, I told him, he had to do LONG AGO. I think it was on the Jurassic era but it is okay. If you go to other pages to comment (I do not know which pages you are using but I know some of you are still having conversations because you still coming to my site to complete your mental riddles). Do you really think is going to be him the one who is answering you to all the messages you are leaving in other web sites? Not even when this was allowed in his site I think he had the time or the patience to do it. So why do you insist in to live this fantasy? So bad is your real world? Or do you really need help? Because I, honestly, do not know. Some of you attacked me with all your twisted weapons because you thought I was a threat. Some of you still trying to hunt me, when I am not in your games at all. Others, with the lack of personality of a blank piece of paper, tried to imitate me to create more chaos and to hurt other people more. Have not explained you yet that I am even better than Khan? That I am 3000 years old which it is very quick to say but I have been beaten enough this past years to learn a bit… Do not worry, I do not have any intention to play your sick game or to seek for revenge. No, you have enough with yourselves, darlings. You are living your own hell. You only need yourselves…

When I created Worldless a bit more than four years ago. I was very naive. Do you want to know who were the first ones who followed my series on Facebook? Tony Stark, Peter Parker and Bruce Wayne. Not kidding. So, if this three superheroes were supporting me how do you think I can feel? I am even better than Khan…

Tom Felton. Picture courtesy Tom Felton Meets the Superfans by BBC.

Tom Felton. Picture courtesy Tom Felton Meets the Superfans by BBC.

Because I know both sides, not like the kids of Harry Potter whom only can know one and a half. I know how some fandom are really sick until the point to lie to themselves and to the whole world to do not feel rejected by their own clan, family… I know, some of you are not really in my profession to tell stories and to make the world happy. You are here only because you have HOPE to find the “right one”. I have lived when I was 12 years old to go to the phone booth all the Saturdays to call to a USA phone number, which I do not know where one my “friends” found it, to see if one of the BSB picked up the phone. Of course, it was always a pre-recorded message but they kept calling with that HOPE and for to hear their voice. I have seen how college girls got hysterical, literally, just because some kids who played wizards passed near them. Later, they had the biggest depression and break down you cannot imagine because their HOPE just exploded like bubble. I have seen how these girls had recovered their HOPE again when they received back a pre-written letter of their IDOLS, in plural. Because, of course, if you are on the fandom side you cannot only have one crush you must have several impossible romances. I have seen how when I was living in LA, people always went to the same places with the HOPE to see a “famous” and to be “notorious” but they were not really looking for this social recognition. They were looking for something else… which not all of them are going to confess you, dear Tom Felton. Most of this people lie to themselves in ways most of you cannot even imagine. So I am not going to get surprised if they lie to me via online.

I lived with people in LA whom had the dream to become successful actors/actresses but they were not really doing nothing to get that. I mean, to watch movies or television the whole day… Now I am going to a free acting class, tomorrow I have some theater here and there… “OMG! OMG! I got a role on CSI!” That’s it. Nothing else. The role on CSI only was useful to date more girls which it is what it really matter. To have a date…

I am not famous. I do not want to be but I know how it feels to be like a prey for some insane “famous hunters”. Simply, because I have the “thing” on my eyes and I must to be someone. People have asked me if I was Lindsey Lohan, Scarlett Johansson, Katy Perry, Hilary Rhoda and, most recently, Felicity Jones… Or is that, or they sneak pictures of me when I am in public, in special in airports… I do not know why, “seriously” but they do and it is annoying. When I went to the Warner Bros. Tour in London a guy was constantly taken pictures of me using as excuse his kids. Dude, I have a five year degree on cameras do not you think I do not know what are you framing and where is the focus?

I suppose this career is painful in this aspect. Maybe because people is always trying to “have a piece” of someone. I remember when Janusz Kaminski made a meeting for the NYFA students. I asked one of my partners to go, just for the fact that this people later told me that I never inform them of what I am going to do and it impossible to hang out with me. He told me that he did not know who was Kamisnki he did not care, he prefer to go on the next months to one where Spielberg was going to assist. No comments… Do you know what I learnt in that meeting? That people aways want to feel superior than others saying that they have more studies in NYFA than you but later they ask stupid questions, not even lighting related, to a professional. I have not seen a more nervous man in my whole life than Janusz. I think he was quite scared by the presence of all these “students” but maybe he already knew what I needed years to know: “Not all the people wants to be a professional filmmaker”. And it is completely true. As it is: “Not all the people who goes to concerts or Premiere events are unconditional supporters”. Most of them are people who are looking for something MORE.

Another, anecdote… Last concert I went it was filmed. The band did not really gave us a written authorization paper about to use the images… The singer simply shout if we were agree to be filmed for a music video. He said, “music video” not “film”. I know how it works the industry. I am just trying to “Save you” again. Thank me later. Anyway, they were testing cameras and lights. People got nervous after any person showed up on the stage and they always believed it was the singer the one who showed up. It was completely insane… But like I cannot avoid to feel like the mommy, of anybody… I found a girl who seemed quite lost. She was alone just like me. So I gave to her my best spot because I am weird. Her first concert… she does not want to miss anything, she traveled for a different country… Oh, common! Very tragic story. The case is I tried to calm her nerves explaining they where not going to start because the cameras were doing this, the light check was doing that… I think I know so much… If it was not enough to keep my sunglasses all the time on the queue because, two folks in front of me, it was a girl who I know… You cannot imagine how insane was to be on the arena before the show started. Seriously, let’s patent the “thing”…

Tom Felton at MCM Birmingham Comic Con. Picture courtesy Tom Felton Meets the Superfans by BBC.

Tom Felton at MCM Birmingham Comic Con. Picture courtesy Tom Felton Meets the Superfans by BBC.

However, what most frustrates me from all this “fandom” or the “huntings” it is not like you feel like a prey. Or when you came back from LA and the other other girl knew everything about were you have stayed and which “famous” lives there even if you have not told to her anything. What I find more annoying it is all the noise that these people creates and which it is really distracting the stablished people inside the industry. Until the point their trust have been broken and they do not accept nobody to mentor or to hire so easily. I know some folks in Hollywood hated that times were they had to work without freedom directing anything that the major studio said to them but, in my current situation, I had killed to have got one of that kind of contracts and to show people that I am not a pretty face. I know to work hard and to tell stories and of course, I have faults and I am sure I will make a bunch more the rest of my life. That is what makes me human.

It is very hard to try to win the trust of someone and it can be easy break by a stupidity like a jealous brat pretending to be someone who is not. Sometimes, I really think some human beings are pathetic.

Meanwhile these people think in romantic affairs with their “famous crushes” my mind thinks in grandiose things. I do not dream in to meet them or to have an affair with them. I want to give them a job, to a bunch of them.

Meanwhile, some of you are thinking: “I will melt in Jared Leto’s arms”. I am thinking he will be perfect on a role of psycho mobster. Or, meanwhile, folks dream Cumberbatch will be the ideal future husband. I think: “If Khan is so badass… What will happen if two members of the same crew are unfrozen and the other one is Redmayne… OMG! I need to write this!” And here it really starts my hysteria attack because:

  1. I do not have enough time to write all that my mind creates and casts.
  2. I cannot call J.J. Abrams to tell him. Let’s make this. You direct. I write.

See… now? Why I am better in everything, even better than Cumberbatch. Because he is not thinking in to give me a job but I am thinking in to give to him almost five. Life is not fair to privileged minds like mine…

So to the next one who will ask me: (making funny voices) “Oh, I want to meet you”; “Oh… I want to know more about you and about your life”; “Oh… Let’s be friends on Facebook you seem cool”; “Oh… Can you give me a job or hire me I can be a good actor/actress”… My polite answer: “When you will pass half of the filters that I had to pass to do not even arrive when I want to be. If you can handle that, come back to me. It will be waiting to you a bunch of filters more but if you can resist them. We can start to talk.” I think this deal it is afair enough.

My advise, darlings, stop to be predictable and do not really think people like me or this “famous” folks are going to receive you with the open hands only because you are dreaming about them. If you want to be respected in the industry. First, respect others and yourself. Then, work even harder and do not expect nobody will become your savior because St. Cumberbatch, Jared Jesus or Daniel Martyr are not going to do it but, above all, NEVER expect Ryan Gosling will ride a white horse the day of your wedding with HIM.

TO BE CONTINUED

Tom Felton and Tina. Picture courtesy Tom Felton Meets the Superfans by BBC.

Tom Felton and Tina. Picture courtesy Tom Felton Meets the Superfans by BBC.

Kitchen School: All You Need to Know about Tomatoes

The villains. Picture courtesy Attack of the Killer Tomatoes by NAI Entertainment.

The villains. Picture courtesy Attack of the Killer Tomatoes by NAI Entertainment.

Welcome to a new Kitchen School special edition about: (creepy voice) tomatoes… Because I am sure you do not know but tomatoes are creepy. Have you ever had nightmares with tomatoes? Of course not, you have never been on a stage and people have thrown to you that fruits… People have not attacked me neither with that fake veggie but I have received so many threats about it, when I was in the Music School, that I had nightmares with tomatoes…

Anyway, it seems a lot of folks who are discovering the fabulous kitchen world have certain doubts about tomatoes so I am here to do my best and to resolve them.

First, do not call tomato a veggie because it will be offended. Mr. Tomato is a fruit, other thing it is that we cook it as a vegetable, but it is a fruit.

You can prepare infinity of dishes using tomatoes. They basically fit in any recipe: sweet or salty. If you have never tasted tomato marmalade you have wasted part of your life with trivial things which do not really matter. Seriously, tomato jam it is better partner to the crispy peanut butter sandwiches than other preserves. And if you add to this combination a strong coffee… Oh, dear, that is heaven…

However, tomatoes are not only the main ingredient of ketchup. What have you thought: that ketchup bottles really grow up on trees? (sights) Seriously…

What you should really know about tomatoes is that they have acid which it is great to make a face tomato scrub which will brighten your skin BUT that acid can interact with other kitchen elements like metals. In special, aluminum. This is the main reason why when you buy canned tomatoes they taste quite bitter than if you use fresh ones. It is because its acid makes this fruit good to be preserved but it also creates a chemical reaction with the metal of the can. Making the stuff inside more alkaline which has a bitter taste.

I do not know what else I can tell you about Solanum lycopersicum… That they are amazing in pasta and pizza… That they are the main ingredient of the Bloody Mary and, of course, of the Tomato Juice… WHAT ELSE DO YOU NEED TO KNOW???!!!

Yes, George Clooney was on this film. I do not know who is the other guy.

Yes, George Clooney was on this film. I do not know who is the other guy. Picture courtesy Attack of the Killer Tomatoes by NAI Entertainment.

And all of this, has started because somebody has insisted in to ask about tomatoes A LOT…! So, yes, I have done your homework and now I know what you were looking for about tomatoes… I know what they mean… I am not going to look again to a tomato to the same way I did before… However, better I copy and paste what I have found:

“Tomatoes were called Love Apples when they were first introduced into Europe from the New World and were used to solicit romantic attention. Europeans also placed them on windowsills to repel negative energies. It seems that nobody thought of cooking with tomatoes until the nineteenth century, and today, the once lowly tomato is the basic ingredient of many sauces, soups, and salads worldwide.” source Alchemylab.com

“Love Apples” of course, of course. Everything is about LOVE. So, if I throw a tomato in your face it is not that I hate you it is that I love you so much that I am just thinking in to make you a tomato face scrub for free. No, offense dear. It is the deep way to express deep love in our days.

Anyway, here you have the tomato face scrub recipe, just in case… And yes, your welcome…